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Jerks, Boundaries, Actions, Character...

2012-03-04T11:45:00.003-08:00

My friend, Kelly, (yes, for those of you paying attention, I mention her often.) recently wrote a blog post titled Jerks Need Not Apply. I can't get her post out of my mind. I've read it several times. She links to an article that she quotes, but even better she shares her attitude from her dating days. She set boundaries that demanded she be respected. She provides a little speech she used to give to potential suitors. (Wow, did I really just say "potential suitors"?)

The more I thought about her post, the more I examined my own tolerance for "jerks" in my life. I've talked before about my inability to maintain lasting relationships as well as my struggle to set boundaries in my life. I began to wonder if perhaps, though I never gave such a speech, my attitude in my younger years demanded people treat me like I deserved or get out of my life.

In my single days, I had a tendency to attract jerks with a few notable exceptions (okay, three in total). I had many, many male friends who were most definitely not jerks, but most of my romantic encounters were with jerks. My male friends always respected me and some even attempted romantic relationships, but I shied away from those entanglements. I think deep down I may have feared if a male friend went from friend to boyfriend, he'd turn into a jerk. Not exactly logical, but what can I say?

In a way, I think I tended to get involved with the jerks because being left by a jerk, or pushing a jerk away, felt easier than risking hurting a good guy. Besides some part of me questioned whether I deserved a good guy, so I never trusted it when good guys came along. Of course, this is hindsight. It's been a long time since I've been in this situation.

I realized while reading Kelly's post that the idea doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It can also apply to the friends and colleagues in our lives.

We often make excuses for people. A friend recently excused away someone's behavior by saying the actions aren't the person. I disagreed to a degree. I see the point as well as the reason my friend needs to see it that way; however, actions are indicative of the person's character. People's actions are driven by their character. My friend pointed out that a person is capable of changing their actions, and that is true. People can also improve their character. I understood where my friend was coming from. My Mom always used to say "Hate the action, not the person." And, I get that in theory.

However, I still believe people are responsible for their actions and that character drives those actions. Which takes us back to the "jerk" Kelly talks about. When people treat other people badly, that behavior comes from somewhere in their character, especially if they consistently treat other people badly. Our actions reflect our character. Our character drives our actions. The two are intertwined.

All of us can learn something from Kelly, even those of us in relationships. If someone acts like a jerk, believe that person is a jerk. People's actions reflect their character. I'll say it again and again and again until we all understand it.

When we act in a way that honors our character, we are being true to ourselves. When our actions align with our character, we give the world our best. When we act like jerks, and we all do from time to time, we have to check ourselves and fix our behavior. That is why we sometimes see people act out of character or at least out of character according to our view of them. The idea that separates people from their actions allows us to care about others when their behavior isn't likeable. When we allow those people to continue to treat us badly by excusing their actions, we perpetuate their slide into becoming jerks. When we refuse to accept other people's bad behavior, it isn't about trying to change them. It's about honoring and loving ourselves enough to acknowledge that we deserve the best life has to offer. On the flip side of that, we have to offer others our best as well.

So, set your boundaries. Make your boundaries known. Don't let other people invade your boundaries but add enough flexibility into your boundaries to permit personal growth. Now, if I can just remember to do the same...

Not only do we have to apply that to the people we allow in our lives, whether romantic or platonic, but we must apply it to ourselves. We must occasionally look in the mirror and ask ourselves if our actions are reflecting our character the way we want them to. We all slip from time to time, and we must then do what it takes to get back on track. Male or female we must check ourselves to make sure we're not slipping into behaviors that treat others badly otherwise we risk becoming jerks.

Life is all about finding, setting, and expressing our boundaries while exploring the opportunities that test our boundaries.

Some moments in life force us to say "Jerks Need Not Apply" and others force us to admit "I know I've been a jerk, and I'm sorry."

Setting our boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others is the best solution for curing the epidemic of jerkish behavior we seem to face these days.

In the meantime, maybe Kelly and I should get to work on the t-shirts we discussed... Jerks Need Not Apply. I want mine to be red with black letters.. Or maybe greeen with pink letters... Or maybe bright blue with white letters... On further thought, just give me one of each...

Priority Check

2012-02-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

An author whose book I bought a few months ago has reminded me to review it three times. I'm not going to name names, but I mention it because I've learned something about myself from the requests. At first I felt guilty because I haven't finished reading the book. Then I started to resent the pressure to review the book. This author is fairly well known, but I have to admit I began to lose a little respect for her after the repeated requests. I understand the impulse. I'm waiting on a couple of reviews myself, but I'm not going to pressure the reviewers to review my books. I'm trusting them to keep their promise to review them.

And, yes, I have already promised this author I will review her book when I finish reading it.

This author's repeated reminders have reminded me that I have a tendency to put other people's needs before mine, which has made me think about my priorities. When I felt guilty that I was letting the author down by not hitting her publicity push, I stopped and thought about it. To meet her publicity push, I would have to sacrifice my own writing projects. To accommodate her needs, I would have to put two of my writing projects on hold and concentrate on reading her book and then writing the review. I asked myself if the author would do the same for me. When the realization that she wouldn't whispered quietly in my ear, I decided it was time to reassess my priorities. I thought about it and decided my work needed to take priority. For the first time in my life, I put my work above helping someone else meet success.

As soon as I realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice my work to help someone else, both the guilt and the pressure lifted. I will review the work when it fits my schedule without sacrificing my work. If this author is the professional she professes to be, she will respect my decision to treat my work with the respect and professionalism it deserves.

Other people don't sacrifice their work to support mine, and there's no reason I should sacrifice mine to help them be more successful. I need to respect and value my work as much as, perhaps even more than, I respect and value other people's work. Sometimes in my desire to help others, I forget this.

So today I am making a commitment to myself. From this moment forward, my writing and my life take top priority. Supporting others is still important to me, but I will no longer sacrifice my writing in order to help others. I will still support, encourage, and promote my fellow authors just not to the level of placing a higher priority on their success than on mine. And I refuse to feel guilty about giving my work the priority, respect, professionalism, attention, and love that it deserves.

Free for a Limited Time - All She Ever Wanted

2012-02-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

The Kindle edition of All She Ever Wanted is free from February 24-25, 2012. Get your copy today! If you like it, go back and post a review later!!

Thanks!

Abandoned by Optimism

2012-02-22T12:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life things happen that distract us from our lives. We're moving along a path. We're certain things are progressing like they're supposed to. We know there are some things that need addressing, but they don't stop life. We just deal with them or don't as the case may be. Then a truth is uttered. Then something happens to make us face something we've been avoiding. Then something is thrown at us changing everything. It stops us in our tracks. It shows us an alternative option we hadn't considered. It makes us question everything we thought we knew.

Sometimes we can talk to a friend and get a new perspective on things. Sometimes we have to just keep the whole thing to ourselves. Sometimes we can talk to a friend without revealing too much even if just to feel less alone. In the end, whether we can talk to others or not, the decision is one we must make on our own. Somtimes it's not even about making a decision. Sometimes it's about dealing with what the new information brings to the table.

When we are faced with things we cannot control, it can be difficult to accept that things will work out the way they are supposed to even if it takes a while. When life deals us hurts that don't make sense, it can be difficult to reconcile that pain with the idea that happiness still exists. When we're in the midst of dealing with one set of problems and another issue, seemingly unrelated, crops up, it can cause us to question the first set of problems. Yet, we don't live in a world that allows us to compartmentalize the parts of our lives. Everything affects everything.

And, so when life hurts and then deals us another blow, we may find it impossible to hold on to our optimism. In those moments, all we can do is breathe through the moments until we figure out how to see the path clearly again. Sometimes we have to embrace how we feel even if the feeling is foreign to us, and we'd rather not feel it. We may even feel like we're suffocating in that moment. Once we allow ourselves to feel it, we can begin to come out of it. The longer we fight the undesirable feeling, the harder it is to move through it. Once we embrace it without wallowing, okay it may feel like wallowing for a bit, we begin to see what we need to see. We begin to find our way through the haze of our issues. We begin to understand the lesson we need to learn. We face the guilt over the undesirable feelings. We face the possibilities and how the seemingly unrelated news affects the problems at hand. We face the fact that there's only so much we can control. The rest we have to trust will work out the way it's destined.

In that moment, our optimism finds a foothold in our lives again. While it may not be ready to take up residence, it is ready to visit again. And, sometimes that's the best we can hope for. But when we know optimism isn't lost forever, we can keep going through the moments when it feels as if it has abandoned us.

Valentine's Special

2012-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

FREE Kindle download of Love in Silhouette: Poems all day February 14th and February 15th, 2012. Download yours today!! Invite a little poetry into your life!! Enjoy!!

Valentine's Day - Must I Really? (Again)

2012-02-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

Some of you may recognize this post from last year... As I pondered what to write for Valentine's Day this year, I decided to revisit my post from last year just to refresh my memory. As I did, I realized I don't really have anything different to say in regards to Valentine's Day. I took some flack for this post last year, so I'd love to say I had some life epiphany or reason to change my mind, but well, I didn't, so I stand behind what I said last year. Oh, one small update. It's now twenty years of marriage instead of nineteen - It has been a year after all. :-)

The post below orignally appeared on February 14, 2011.

Confession time: I hate Valentine’s Day. I have for… well, as long as I can remember. Oh, yeah, when I was younger I played along, but I never really liked it. Okay, hate might be too strong a word, but it’s the word that came to mind…

If you love me on February 13 and you’ll still love me on February 15, why do I need you to make a bigger deal out of it on Valentine’s Day? Sorry, but the whole thing just plain escapes me. Some might say that I feel this way because I’ve been married for nineteen years, but that’s not it. As I said before, I’ve never really understood it. I tried to. I really did. After all, I’m a woman, these kind of days are supposed to be important to me. Maybe it’s maturity, but I can finally admit that I really just don’t care about Valentine’s Day without caring if people judge me.

Maybe I’m just not the “romantic” type.

I don’t get all excited by receiving flowers. The truth is while flowers are beautiful, they just die. They begin dying the minute they’re cut. Actually, they begin dying the minute they bloom… Not that I would turn them away or not appreciate the sentiment behind them…

I don’t get all mushy over candlelit dinners. I prefer to see what I’m eating. Thank you very much.

Okay, I do like love songs, love poems, romantic movies sometimes - well, I’m actually pretty picky about those, chocolates, and sparkling wine, but I don’t have to have any of those just because it’s Valentine’s Day. And, it doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day for me to enjoy any of the above.

Give me any of these things in the middle of September or July and it’ll mean as much, probably more, than if you give it to me on Valentine’s Day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Give it to me on Valentine’s Day, and I’m likely to accuse you of giving in to social convention - of it not really being from the heart. Okay, maybe not out loud, but the thought will cross my mind. I was raised with manners, so I would likely just thank you and smile.

Before someone feels compelled to point it out, yes, I got married on Valentine’s Day. When people hear this, they always say “how romantic” with such sweetness in their voices I feel compelled to point out that it had nothing to do with the fact that it was Valentine’s Day while struggling not to roll my eyes. Honestly, I would probably purposely pick a different day if I had it to do over, but that’s life. We live with the decisions we make. It was simply the first day Loay and I could both get off work (Technically, I worked until eight o’clock that morning (night shift), then went to get married.) and have a few days following it to spend together. Now, how romantic is that?

My wedding took place in a lawyer’s office. He happened to be a justice of the peace. There were five people present: Loay, my now husband of nineteen years, Todd, his best friend, Lori, my best friend, me, the bride, and the lawyer who married us. We were required to have two witnesses hence the inclusion of Todd and Lori. I wasn’t interested in all the pomp generally associated with weddings. I wanted the wedding over with, so I could get on with life. Again, how romantic is that?

The idea of romance is sweet, but I think it creates way too many expectations and tends to let people down more often than not. People get so caught up in the idea of what romance is they lose sight of what love is. They’re not the same thing. Really, truly they’re not.

Romance is when you you’re blinded by hearts and flowers. Romance is when you overlook those things you don’t like because you’ve convinced yourself the person will change because now you’re in his/her life. Romance is when you show your best self always. Romance is when you work to make someone like you. Romance is doing things you don’t like to do to make the other person happy and pretending like you enjoy it. Romance is looking for that special someone who will save you from... whatever it is you feel you need to be saved from. Romance is reciting vows at your wedding you don’t believe because it’s expected and it sounds good. Romance is tearing up as you make promises without any idea what they really mean. Romance, in many ways, is akin to manipulation - sweet manipulation but manipulation nonetheless. Romance starts to feel false, contrived, and like a chore as time goes on. Then it either gives way to genuine love or it dissipates. Romance is at best a stepping stone to something better.

Love is when you see reality - the hard work that is a relationship - and you don’t run away. Love is when you accept the things you don’t like. Love is when you support someone as they grow but you don’t try to force your expectations on them. Love is when you relax enough to truly be yourself and neither person runs away. Love is when two people see each other’s imperfections and alternately laugh and fight about them. Love is when you can fight vehemently but know with confidence you won’t lose the other person over an argument. I’m not talking about violence. Violence is NEVER love. Love is when you stay when the fun, newness and excitement of beginnings gives way to the mundaneness of every day life. Love is knowing that no matter whether times are good or bad, happy or sad, exciting or boring, you will be there for one another. Love is that moment when you really see one another for all you are worth - the good and the bad - and you still decide staying together is worth the work it will take. Sometimes love is walking away when you know that’s what’s best for the other party involved. That’s the hardest kind of love, but it can often be the most real.

Romance is always temporary, but love is enduring and everchanging. Romance loses its strength in the face of adversity, but love grows stronger when it survives adversity. Romance can be shaken right off its foundation with the slightest quake, but love grabs hold and shores up its foundation when troubles appear. Romance is easy to recognize, but love is often disguised to the outsider and sometimes even to those involved.

As we grow throughout life, we come to recognize that our very definition of love changes - sometimes almost on a daily basis. We come to accept that that’s okay, sometimes even desirable.

I’m not saying all romance needs to be discarded because romance plays its role in bringing people together and helping people get to know one another. Give me a choice though and I’ll choose real love over romance any time, any place.

Perhaps that’s why the romance of Valentine’s Day just doesn’t hold any allure for me.

Perhaps it’s also why I don’t write romances…

Letting Your Past Go Doesn't Actually Change Anything

2012-02-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously bothered by this quote I keep seeing posted on Facebook. "Your past doesn't define you. Let it go." Did I mention that it seriously bothers me?

It's not that I entirely disagree with the concept behind it. It's that I find it disempowering when its intention is to be empowering. It's a message about moving forward, or so one would think; however, when we disavow our pasts, we devalue our experiences and therefore our selves. When we don't value our selves, we can't actually move forward.

What happened in your past, happened. Nothing is going to change that. What you did yesterday, you did. Nothing is going to change that. Who you were yesterday is who you were. Nothing is going to change that.

Letting the past go doesn't honor it. Regretting it doesn't honor it either. Dwelling on it doesn't honor it either.

I'm not saying we can't change. I'm not saying who we were has to be who we are. I'm not saying we're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over. I'm not saying we can't change our present and our future. We can.

Let me reword that. We can change our present and our future.

We don't change by letting the past go. We change by embracing what happened in the past and who we were in the past. We change by honoring what we learned from the experiences of the past. We change by acknowledging what worked and what didn't work. We change by incorporating what worked into our lives and, finding new solutions for what didn't work. Letting the past go as a whole is not a solution to anything, and it is definitely not the path to change.

We change, and that change is based on our experiences. Our experiences make up our pasts. None of us like to be judged for what we did in our pasts, but if we own our pasts we take away other people's power to pass judgment. When we own our pasts, other people's judgment about our pasts ceases to matter. We can simply say "Yes, I did that. And here's what I learned from it..."
My past is my past. I learned from it, and I evolved.

But that's just me....

Pointing Forward

2012-02-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

"Pike would not back away. His arrows pointed forward, not back." from page 94 of The Sentry by Robert Crais.

Disclaimer: I am a little enamored with Joe Pike. There I said it... He grabbed my heart from his first appearance in The Monkey's Raincoat and took up permanent residence when I read L.A. Requiem (Elvis Cole Novels). No worries, my sanity is intact. I know he's a fictional character.

The above sentences leaped off the page when I read them and left my heart pounding. I grabbed my laptop and started a new blog post at one o'clock in the morning - the rough draft anyway - thanks to those two sentences.

Sometimes we move forward without resolving what needs resolved because momentum propels us forward. We find it easier to keep that "move forward" attitude in tact even if it means leaving behind people we cherish and things that are important. We let little things slide until they become issues that didn't need to become issues. Barriers are erected where none are necessary. We end up moving forward without thinking or feeling.

I know. I've been there. Maybe I need to have red arrows tattooed on my arms (yes, Joe's are red for those of you who don't know).... but I digress.

When we ignore what's in front of us in order to maintain our forward motion, eventually the past begins to collide in our heads. It creates chaos. It burdens us with regret and longing. To truly deal with it we have to be completely honest, we have to reveal things we don't want to reveal, we have to face things we want to pretend never happened. We stare in the mirror and want to just skip the part that's difficult. We want to move straight into fun and laughter and release, but we know that's not reality. That's just more pretense and more barrier building.

I know. I'm there right now. Still, if I had red arrows on my arms... but I digress.

Forward motion is important, but we mustn't use it to avoid today's issues. Forward motion is impossible to stop, but we mustn't forget from whence we came. Forward motion is always better than being stuck. Forward motion drags us along whether we want to go or not. When we move forward from a place that is healthy and balanced, life works. When we move forward just because it's easier than dealing with reality, we create a false forward momentum that keeps us stuck in what hurt.

Still, if my arms only had red arrows pointing forward tattoed on them...

My book of poetry, Reflections in Silhouette: Poems, is all about getting stuck, looking backward, and moving forward. It is about the struggle to accept one for one's self and allow one to grow through the pain. Poems, Willful Blindness, Distract Me, and Known and Unknown among others explore both the need to move forward and the struggle moving forward can be.

Perhaps red arrows pointing forward are just what I need...

Well, to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't make a bit of difference. I would still be me. I wouldn't suddenly become Joe Pike-esque. I would still have to find my own way to move forward from where I currently stand while dealing with the baggage I packed away and tried to forget existed.

Besides red arrows on my skinny arms would probably look ridiculous....

Urban Fiction Unleashed: Book ReviewBook ReviewBook Review

2012-02-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

Ray Ellis reviewed Reflections in Silhouette, over on his blog, Urban Fiction Unleashed! Check it out!

Urban Fiction Unleashed: Book Review***Book Review***Book Review: Book Review: Reflections in Silhouette: Poems by T.L. Cooper The last time I read poetry Ronald Regan was still in his first term as ...

Teddy: My First Fan, My Constant Companion

2012-02-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not Linus. I don't carry a security blanket, but I do keep a brown teddy bear that I've had since infancy. I love this teddy bear. His name is Teddy. Okay, I wasn't particulary original with that one, but, hey, he's been with me since before I was born... It's not like my naming skills were at the top of their game when he entered my life!

A family friend, Jean Wright, bought Teddy for me before I was born. I slept with Teddy. I played with him. I tossed him in a toy box. I ignored him. Eventually, somone in my family, probably Mom, stored him in the attic in a box with a bunch of other stuffed animals and dolls. I remember when I found him as a teenager. He'd been in the attic for years. I almost cried as I hugged him to me. I felt like a little girl. I didn't understand why he evoked that emotion in me, and I still don't. Perhaps it was because I loved Jean so much. She was a wonderful, kind, sweet, loving soul who always treated me like I was special. Maybe some of that infiltrated her gift to me...

Over the years, I cried into Teddy's fur, snuggled him close to me, slept with him, buried my head in his belly, and danced with him. I told him stories before I could write. I sang him songs I made up. I read him my poetry and my stories. Though he couldn't reply. I like to think he was my first fan. After all, he never criticized my efforts. But then again he never complained about my singing either, and I really can't sing. Forget waterboarding, just have me sing, they'll talk. Yes, I sing that badly.

Teddy & Me 1990 Combs Hall,
Eastern Kentucky University

Teddy accompanied me to college. He sat on my bed or sometimes in a small wooden child's chair. His outstretched arms always looked ready to give a hug. He watched as I made friends and lost friends. He sat silently while I studied and wrote papers. He never judged when I partied too hard, drank too much, laughed too loud, or played too late. He never demanded any attention when I needed to concentrate. He listened to my dreams no matter how outrageous. He watched me give my heart away and get it returned shattered. He listened I broke a heart or two and then buried my face in a pillow and sobbed. He stared straight ahead as I suffered the worst betrayal of my life. He probably wished he could close his eyes that time. I know I wish he could've. But he never left. Okay, you're right, he's a stuffed animal, he didn't have a choice, but I don't care. He's been a constant my entire life.

He may not have fought off the boogie-man or kept me safe from the monsters, but he was there. He never blamed me, scolded me, or told me I wasn't enough. He never betrayed me. He never minded when I ignored him in pursuit of ambition or even dreams. He never got jealous of my other relationships. He never complained that I squeezed him too tight or made him too hot. He never pushed me away. He never turned his back on me. He never got mad when I pushed him out of the bed. He laid right there when I had nightmares that left me shaking so hard I thought I might come apart.When I cried tears into his soft belly night after night, he soaked up those tears allowing me to face the next day with confidence.

He stayed with me through those college years and joined me when I got married. My husband complained that I sometimes brought him into our bed when I was hurting or scared. But he didn't get it. Teddy was a constant. He grounded me to the girl I once was - innocent and carefree and capable of laughter. Teddy held all my tears inside him. He never broke a confidence. He never told me I was stupid for feeling the way I did. He never told me to grow up. He never questioned my needs or my love. He simply sat there with his brown eyes staring straight ahead and arms stretched out inviting a hug. We fought over Teddy. I won.

Teddy Today

Or rather, I compromised. I rarely sleep with Teddy these days. He lived under my bed for a while. His chair went to charity, so some other child could enjoy it. Teddy now sits in my laundry room where he makes me smile every day. He always looks ready to give a hug. I love that he sits with his arms outstretched though come to think of it, they must get incredibly tired.

When Jean died a couple of years ago, I sat in the floor of my laundry room, held Teddy, and cried into his fur. He once again absorbed my tears, so I could let go of the pain in my heart. Yet he didn't give empty platitudes or question my grief. He just absorbed it into his soft, furry body.

Teddy makes me smile. He reminds me of all I can be. He reminds me of all I've survived. He reminds me of my dreams, my friends, my family, my self. He asks nothing from me as he sits there awaiting the next time I come to him for a hug.

So, I don't care if I am an adult. Teddy stays. Teddy lives where I live. I don't give up people or things that make me smile these days. Not that anyone would dare suggest it...

Acting As If: A Plan for Change or Self-Delusion

2012-01-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

Several years ago I was watching Oprah and one of her guests (I can't remember which one for sure, so I won't give a name) said that if you want your life to be a certain way you should behave as if your life already was that way. I was intrigued by the idea, but a little part of me thought it sounded more than a tad unrealistic. At the time, I'd never heard of the idea. Of course, now it's part of the common vernacular.

So, I started thinking about it. I could see how acting as if could lead one to take action to change one's life. For example, if one wanted a promotion, one might start dressing for the job, taking initiative to learn the requirements for the job, practice the skills necessary for the job, and take initiative to show one has the skills and knowledge to do the job. Perhaps that would even attract the attention of the person with the power to give the promotion. Maybe one would even get the promotion.

But, me having a writer's mind, also had to take things the other direction. Writers are experts at the what if game. You can't change other people's behavior and attitude though there are times you can change someone else's mood. So let's assume one had a boss who was verbally abusive and insecure. One could come in dressed for the job one wants, take initiative, practice the skills for the desired job, display one's knowledge and skill set. Perhaps attract the attention of the boss... However, an abusive and insecure boss is going to see someone overdressed, trying to overstep boundaries, and usurp authority. The acting as if behavior is going to backfire. No promotion and perhaps a firing.

The idea of acting as if could even be dangerous. Take a person in a physically abusive relationship who decides to act as if the abuser isn't abusive. They approach the abuser as if the abuser is a nice, rational, reasonable person. Abusers don't respond well to that kind of attitude. It tends to inflame the situation. Now the person ignoring reality while acting as if ends up injured or worse, dead. Some situations really don't respond well to acting as if.

We cannot control other people's behavior. We can act as if, but acting as if is essentially pretending. If problems exist, acting as if they're resolved only allows them to be ignored perhaps creating a sense of resolution that will never be met. Acting as if someone is meeting our needs when they're not only sets us up to be unhappy without the other person even knowing. Acting as if we have financial stability when we don't only leads us to debt we can't handle. Acting as if things are what we want them to be may lead us in that diretion, but it is just as likely to set us up to create a reality that doesn't exist.

I practiced the idea of acting as if for quite a while in many aspects of my life.

Acting as if can even be helpful in projecting an image of success. When I chaired Murder in the Grove, I didn't tolerate the committee voicing concerns over the conference's finances or attendance in public. In public, I insisted we adopt a positive attitude because people like to jump on something that is successful and that is projecting positive energy. We discussed our doubts in private, and some members didn't understand my insistence that we keep our concerns within the committee. I knew that if people thought there was a chance the conference wouldn't happen, they would wait to register. If they waited to register, it put our conference more at risk. So I insisted the public line be one that didn't lie but didn't give specifics. You keep people interested by sharing the excitement of the event not by sharing your worries about the event. So, in a way, one could say I encouraged my committee to act as if; however, even in moments when things looked iffy, I never doubted we would make it work. My committee's commitment to the conference gave me faith in our ability to put forth a product people would enjoy and would look forward to attending again. In the years I chaired the conference, we had our share of issues, but we always managed to pull off a successful event.

However, when I applied acting as if to other parts of my life, it lead me to be willfully blind to anything that didn't fit my idea of the life I desired. I didn't hear things I should have heard because they didn't support the life I desired. I didn't understand things that should've been clear because they didn't fit with the life I desired. I didn't see things right in front of my face because they didn't create the life I desired. I convinced myself that acting as if was creating what I wanted when it reality it was masking what needed attention. Acting as if has the potential to have the people involved inhabiting different realities that cannot intersect without imploding.

Acting as if can lead to some really fun fantasies. It is also a great way to brainstorm ideas for achieving one's goals, but living one's life based on acting as if is simply self deception. Self deception might be fun and interesting, but it doesn't help us find true happiness.

My books of poetry contain poems that address the idea of acting as if. To mention a few, Willful Blindness and You Believed are in Reflections in Silhouette: Poems, and As If is in Love in Silhouette.

I think perhaps instead of acting as if, it might make more sense to accept reality, make a plan based on what we want to achieve, and then excecute that plan. A portion of that plan may involve adopting a postive attitude, learning to feel more confident, or displaying skills formerly kept hidden. In some instances, this may even feel like acting as if, such as exhibiting more confidence than one feels or reminding one's self of one's abilities when exercising them, especially if those skills have atrophied from lack of use.

When we pretend to have confidence, skills, or attitudes that we don't, we come across as inauthentic, even to ourselves. When we aren't genuine, we lose the respect of those around us as well as ourselves. So let's not fake it until we make it. Let's figure out a way to actually make it. Then we'll never have to act as if in any situation be it a professional endeavour or a personal relationship.

The Power of Gratitude

2012-01-19T11:52:00.000-08:00

This morning I grabbed a pillow from my couch, tossed it on the bamboo floor, picked up the remote, and turned on the fireplace that hardly ever gets used. I stared into the flames for a moment and knew what the impulse was telling me. I sat cross legged on the pillow, placed my upturned hands on my knees and touched my index finger to my thumbs. I took a deep breath. I thought "Gratitude! Gratitude! Gratitude!"

Last year I did two to six minute gratitude meditations every morning. Sometimes I did them before I even got out of bed. Other times I did them sitting at my computer, petting Meme, and just breathing. Still other times I actually meditated on gratitude as I did some rote chore I'd done a million times. Sometimes I just found a quiet place to sit and sat. On a couple of mornings, my feelings of gratitude appeared without a conscious meditation. Each morning (okay sometimes it was afternoon) I posted one thing from that gratitude meditation as my Facebook status. I stopped posting a gratitude statement daily when the new year started even though I still meditated on gratitude every morning and wrote in my gratitude journal every night before I slept.

Last night as I sat staring at the television not comprehending the show playing, I realized I hadn't started my morning with a gratitude meditation in several days. It wasn't intentional. I have a host of excuses. My sleep pattern has been off. My routine has been interrupted. I have some personal issues I'm trying to resolve. I've struggled to focus on my writing. Chores have gone undone. I've had a couple of disappointments. So my frame of mind hasn't been particularly grateful or even positive.

Interestingly, one of the projects I need to be working on is a book on how spending a year focused on gratitude changed my life. It's hard to write about gratitude when you feel like all the changes you thought you'd encountered are taking a beating. You can imagine how well work on that particular project progressed this week. Yet, I sense that immersing myself in it will actually bring a whole new set of lessons to my life.

I sat there staring into the flames watching them change shape and just thinking "Gratitude" over and over until I actually started to realize I have things for which I am grateful. I was mesmerized as the flames almost seemed to spike with each moment of gratitude I felt and die down with each negative thought that presented a "yeah, but..." and spike again with each positive thought. This may have been my imagination, but I don't care, it took me where I needed to go. I felt my body surrender to the idea that if I open my heart and my mind, the answers will present themselves when the time is right. Of course, this doesn't absolve me of doing the work I need to do to find those answers, but it does remind me that there's only so much I can control.

One of the things I can control is my outlook. I can focus on the problem, or I can focus on the solution. I can focus on the negative, or I can focus on the positive. I can feel gratitude for the good, or wallow in misery over the bad. I can accept reality, or I can practice willful blindness. I can take action, or I can do nothing. I have the power within to do my part, but I can't do someone else's part. I can bring my best, or I can give up. I can give in, or I can fight for what's right. In the end, all I can control is how I handle each moment.

And, for that I am grateful.

That is the power of gratitude, my friends!

What If I Could Never Write Again?

2012-01-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

"He could keep on living and still be dead." - A Gifted Mind

This statement made by the wife of a patient whose brain tumor had heightened his artistic ability on A Gifted Mind hit me hard. It's how I feel about writing. I would go through pretty much anything to write. If someone told me I could never write another word, I would feel as if I died. I know this about myself. One of my greatest fears is never being able to write another word.

I used to fear I didn't have enough talent, but I'm over that. I'm confident in my talent now. While I wish every word I wrote could be brilliant, I'm okay with knowing that that is an unrealistic goal. I can only write as well as I can write on any given day and trust that my best will be good enough.

I used to fear I would run out of ideas, but I no longer fear that either. On days when the ideas don't come my way, I feel confident it's just my brain's way of taking a rest, so it can give me something better later.

I used to fear that using my life to inspire my work might reveal things about me that would make people not like me. Letting go of that fear is on ongoing struggle. I find it sometimes interferes with my willingness to share my work. At times, it probably also causes me to hesitate when I try to write certain things. Yet, often the written word is the place where I feel the safest exploring that which makes me feel vulnerable. The idea of being vulnerable is never easy for me though I am working on it.

I've been writing my whole life. I tell myself stories to amuse myself as I go about most of life's activities. Somtimes these stories are good enough to make it to paper, but sometimes they just amuse me. I can't stop doing it. It's in me. It's who I am. I am a writer. I am an author. My biggest fear is that something will happen that prevents me from ever writing again. What would happen to me if some unseen hand or some unknown monster suddenly appeared to rip writing out of my life? For me never writing again would be a living death...

Standing Tall in Truth

2012-01-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

I planned to write about equality today in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but instead I'm going to write about truth. Or, to be more specific, I'm going to write about the truth contained in each of us.

Martin Luther King Jr. never shied away from speaking the truth as he saw it. He never questioned whether or not others would agree with the truth as he saw it. He stood up confidently and spoke. He didn't shy away from acclaim when it was given him. He was a strong man. He knew the truth of who he was, who he wanted to be, and what he wanted for the world.

When I researched Martin Luther King Jr. while writing my novel, All She Ever Wanted, I was surprised to find that he often struggled with his own personal doubts, insecurities, and faults in private. This discovery gave me hope. It reminded me that greatness isn't perfection. In history, we often like to put a veil of perfection on those who do great things, and we forget that being human is what makes their achievements remarkable.

In All She Ever Wanted, the protagonist, Victoria, finds her ancestors' journals dating back to pre-Civil War days, and she reads them. They chronicle her ancestors involvement with the Underground Railroad helping slaves escape to freedom as well as the beliefs of her female ancestors on her father's side of the family. Victoria reads these with interest often feeling the internal conflict that fueled the actions described and sometimes feeling intense anger and embarrassment when her ancestors didn't live according the truth they knew. She also felt pride in having an ancestry filled with strong women who did live their truths even when they had to disguise those truths in order to live them effectively. Two entries in Victoria's grandmother's journal serve to remind us sometimes living one's truth isn't quite as simple as it sounds.

Excerpt from All She Ever Wanted:

It’s been an interesting week. I mailed money, cash, secretly to Martin Luther King, Jr. My husband would have fits if he knew. He’s of the school that thinks the colored people should never have been freed. He certainly doesn’t believe they should have the same rights as the rest of us. I don’t really understand that. After all, they’re people, too. Anyway, there are rumors, Dr. King may be in a city near here soon. If he comes, I’m going to lie and say I’m going shopping there, so I can go and hear him speak. I have to keep my plans and my thoughts quiet though. My lovely son can’t even know what I’m doing. He would tell his father for sure. My own father and mother wouldn’t be pleased if they knew, but they won’t know. I’ll just have to be sure and buy a pretty dress before I come home.
Victoria was impressed with her grandmother’s planning. She was also proud of her grandmother’s convictions even if she hadn’t been able to make them public. She stretched and sipped her water as she continued.
I did it! I’ll never be caught now. I went and heard Dr. King speak. What a wonderful speaker! What a thrill! To be there, to not get caught, to see this history maker in the flesh. What a day!

Often we know the truth, but we're too afraid to take action. We hide behind our busy lives or we believe what the pundit on television tells us without ever stopping to think the pundit has his/her own agenda to push. We don't stop to think about the strength it took people like Martin Luther King Jr. to stand in his truth every single day of his life. We don't stop to think that if we all stood in our truths more often, we could affect the world for the better. We don't stop to think that if we just acknowledged that sometimes the truth is that confusion we feel as we learn what we've been taught by someone we respect is based on falsehoods rather than facts. When we accept that truth and look forward, we can begin to live for what we believe is right. We can stand in our own truths even on the days we have doubts or feel insecure about expressing our truth.

When we look at those we admire, such as Dr. King, sometimes it's important that we see them as humans first and heroes second. When we see them as heroes first, we lose sight of their humanity. That's when we drop a veil of perfection around them shutting out exactly what made their work so effective and so important. It's also how we excuse our own inaction when we know the truth. We use our delusion of their perfection to convince ourselves we can't be effective because we're not good enough.

In reality, we each make our own contribution to society. We have the power to create change in our lives, our families, our communities, our cities, our states, our world. It's up to us to use that power effectively and wisely. It's up to each of us to stand tall in our truth and strive to make the world just a little bit better even if it seems the change we're making is too small for anyone to notice.

When we strive to improve ourselves, we make the world a better place. Change must always start within, but it must be shared with others to impact the world. It may seem selfish to work on being one's best self, but I've learned that we can only offer our best to the world when we're willing to do the work to discover our best. I write about my journey to find my best self in my book of poetry, Reflections in Silhouette: Poems, in hopes that my journey will help someone else on theirs. Our truth ripples through those closest to us and spreads out to those who know them and then to their circle of friends and then theirs and then theirs and... pretty soon some small gesture you made has changed the life of someone you've never met and who you will never know you affected. That is the glory of standing in one's own truth. It's isn't about accolades or recognition. It's all about making the world a better place.

Sorry, Laughter, Strength Stole Your Invitation!!

2012-01-13T16:43:00.000-08:00

I thought 2012 was going to be my year focused on laughter... Turns out, my inner strength has decided it's her turn to shine. I thought I let her out last year, but she informed me last night our work isn't finished... Just like my vulnerability popped up the other day when I found myself trying to express something to a friend that I just can't express yet and reminded me that our work isn't quite finished either...

The past few weeks I've been having some revelations that I'm not quite sure what to do with. What I do know about them is they are screaming that if I start denying my strength again, I'm going to regret it!

See I've been tempted to deny my strength again for many of the same reasons I pushed into into a dark corner years ago. I can keep the peace. I can maintain the status quo. Certain people like me better when I'm not so strong. Certain people really don't like it when I live in my strength. Sometimes being strong costs you...

Yesterday revelations were hitting me like I was their own personal speedbag. I couldn't keep up. I tried to roll with the punches, but I soon became overwhelmed. I still don't know exactly what all that means, but I do know I need to listen to my life.

With all those punches coming one right after the other, I didn't know what I was going to do to get myself in the right frame of mind for my evening plans. A distraction presented itself and I latched on to it. It worked. My frame of mind changed. I smiled. I laughed. I joked. I played. By the time I pulled out of my garage, I knew I would be okay for the evening.

I drove to Salem for the Willamette Writers Salem Chapter meeting with my mind focused on music, possibilities, and just being my best self. Before the meeting, I met with author and friend, Jennifer Fields for a little chat. Then we went to the meeting together. Christina Katz was the presenter for the evening. While Christina's message wasn't exactly new to me, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Some times reminders can be as important as new information. In a scary way her presentation lined up with several of the revelations that had been punching me all day. A couple of the things she talked about perfectionism getting the way of progress and the importance of surrounding one's self with positive people and letting negative people go. Her presentation didn't lead me to any direct answers, but I did walk away from it with the realization that my revelations may not be paranoia or irrational or unfounded after all. I'm not sure that's the message I wanted, but perhaps it's what I needed to hear.

I drove home with my thoughts racing but concluding that no matter what has happened in my life, I have survived. That is strength. I haven't always thrived, but I have always survived long enough to find my way back to thriving. Even at times when I've felt weak and trapped, my strength has bubbled under the surface fighting to break free. And perhaps that's what's at the core at all of those revelations using me as a speedbag yesterday.

So when my life screams at me that I can't force laughter, I have to let it find me, and it won't until I'm willing to embrace that I'm strong enough to let it live with me, I have to listen. If I don't, life will keep punching me until I do. So, Laughter, I'm not rescinding my invitation, I'm just saying I won't be begging, pleading, cajoling, or bribing you... You are always welcome, so come at your leisure.

In the meantime, Strength, it looks like you and I are best friends forever! Welcome! Let's play, let's grow, let's learn, let's reflect, let's laugh, let's love, let's LIVE!!!!

Laughter: Please Stop By For a Cup of Hot Cocoa...

2012-01-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

Last month I wrote an email to a friend that got a little too serious. It was unavoidable but not where I wanted to go. I ended it by saying that I thought I might focus on bringing more laughter and fun into my life in 2012...

I now realize that's one of those things that might be easier said than done, but I've never been one to shy away from a challenge!

In 2010, I focused on making myself more vulnerable. While that may sound nuts, it was something I really needed. I learned a lot from it. If you want you can read about the results of my experience making myself more vulnerable. Vulnerability, I Once Considered You a Curse Word.

In 2011, I focused my life on gratitude. I've blogged about that a few times, and I'm working on a book about the experience.

Now that I've decided to focus on laughter in 2012, I've realized something. Laughter can't be forced. It can be invited in. It can be discovered. It can be cherished. It can be searched for. It can be found. But it can never be forced. Well, genuine laughter can never be forced. Of course that fake crap can.

So I'm inviting laughter to visit me on a regular basis. I'm allowing myself to laugh easily. I'm giving myself permission to enjoy laughter. I'm ready to seek out people, events, and activities that encourage me to laugh. I'm opening myself to living a life that puts as much importance on laughter as on the serious stuff because I've realized just how much I enjoy laughter. And, how much I enjoy people who make me laugh.

Good Little Girls, Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Strength

2012-01-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

I love the people in my life who help me feel my own strength. I'm not talking about those who make me fight them to demonstrate my own strength though they do serve a purpose as well. For the purposes of this post though we're going to focus on those whose mere presence in your life make you feel, understand, and embrace your inner strength without a moment of shame or the need to downplay it.

In the song What It Feels Like for a Girl, Madonna sings "Strong inside but you don't know it. Good little girls they never show it. When you open up your mouth to speak could you be a little weak." and later "Hurt that's not supposed to show and tears that fall when no one knows. When you're trying hard to be your best, could you be a little less."

I love this song. I'll concede that the video is weird, and the decision to leave out the lyrics wasn't one of her smartest because the lyrics to this song are awesome! They do such an incredible job defining the experience of so many women and girls. They describe the inner strength women often feel they have to hide or temper in order not to be seen as bitchy or emasculating. Actually, I would define Madonna's decision to allow her husband at the time to influence the video so much a demonstration of her trying to temper her strength so as to not emasculate him, but that's conjecture on my part.

I learned to downplay my inner strength to keep the peace many years ago. Eventually, not practicing my strength lead to me not knowing how to access it when I needed it. I knew it was still there. I felt it rumble and push its way to the surface from time to time. I found it easier to access when I knew it didn't threaten other people, especially the men in my life. I just wanted peace in my life even if achieving that peace suppressed my inner strength and eroded my self-confidence in the process. I had truly learned to be a little weak when I spoke and to be a little less when trying hard to be my best. I hadn't just learned it, I had embraced it. I began to avoid my eyes in the mirror. This wasn't the woman I wanted to be.

For a long time, I didn't even admit to myself I had allowed this to happen. I went about my days pretending I was still the strong woman I'd been before, but that I'd made choices to channel that strength in a different direction. I convinced myself that when others criticized my strength, they were right to do so. I convinced myself that my strength was "bad" "wrong" "too much" "bitchiness" or whatever other words my critics deemed it. After all, my critics knew better than I did, right? If they said my strength was hurtful to them, who was I to argue? I even convinced myself that when I felt weakened or less than my best, it was growth.

One day I could no longer avoid looking in my own eyes and seeing the woman I was meant to be struggling to get out. I could no longer stand being told my strength was unacceptable. I'm not sure what the final straw was, but a series of conversations with people who knew me before I suppressed my inner strength contributed to it. There were those who bluntly commented on the weakness they heard in my voice/words or saw in my actions. There were those who simply alluded to it. But, in the end, it was the look I saw in my eyes, the weakness I heard in my voice, the feeling of holding back for fear my best would offend someone else, the denial of my work and my potential for success to keep from being perceived as emasculating that propelled me to stand in my own strength and let what would happen happen.

I discovered shortly after reaching the decision to embrace my own strength again that I really liked being around people who appreciated my strength and loved me for it. The people who never asked me to be weaker than I was, directly or indirectly, were the people who truly deserved a place in my life. It took a while for me to find my footing in my own strength, but each stumble proved to me that strong was better than weak. Trying my best and failing was preferrable to being less than my best. Being great was better than being perfect. Being me was preferrable to molding myself to meet someone else's image.

Of course, not everyone liked me stepping into my strength. It meant relationships were redefined. It meant I no longer took every criticism to heart. It meant I stood up for myself when criticized unfairly. It meant I didn't allow words meant to weaken me to do so. It meant I set new boundaries. It meant I no longer conformed just to keep the peace. It meant I realized I could stand on my own without being defined by someone else. It meant I was no longer controllable. It meant I embraced me as I saw me rather than as someone else saw me.

Every day I realize more and more that I want people in my life who are strong enough to appreciate me as I am, a strong woman who loves herself and isn't afraid to admit it.

If you haven't found your own inner strength yet, I hope you will begin looking for it. It is waiting inside you ready to burst forth creating your best self!!

My book of poetry, Reflections in Silhouette, is filled with poems about the journey to grow into one's best self including The Mirror, a poem about the experience of looking at myself in the mirror described above, and Sound, about embracing my love for myself.

Change: Embrace It or Be Held Hostage By It

2012-01-03T17:56:00.000-08:00

Every year, people make resolutions and vow to change that about their lives which they don't like whether it be behaviors, personality quirks, or lifestyle changes. They make these vows as if somehow when the clock strikes midnight signifying the beginning of new year, they experience a rebirth that allows them to become someone different.

The truth is change happens to us every day of our lives in miniscule ways that add up to major changes. This is part of life. We can choose to embrace change, or we can fight it. When we embrace it, we give ourselves power to use the change we experience to grow toward becoming the individuals we most want to be. When we fight change, we stunt our growth and may even become stagnant in our lives.

The thing about change is that if you change because it's what you want for your own personal wellbeing, it's likely to stick. That's called growth. If you change to please someone else or because it's what's expected, it just isn't going to last. It may feel good for a while, and you may even enjoy it while the person you're trying to please is praising you. In the end though, changing for someone else breeds resentment and lots of it. That's called subjugation.

Every year I make a point of saying I don't do resolutions, and it's true I don't. I make an effort to invite and embrace helpful change into my life on a daily basis. I don't need a new year to start working out or write more or pursue some goal I've abandoned or improve my relationships or well whatever else isn't quite working. So I don't do resolutions.

I do, however, reassess my life from time to time - actually a few times a year - to see how I'm progressing with my overall plans. I do set yearly goals and set up a plan to meet those goals. I do make use of the yearly calendar for my project plans. I do look at what changes are taking place in my life and figure out if they're in my best interests, if there's something I can do to make them work toward my overall life goals, if there's a lesson I'm missing, or if there's something I need to do to better embrace the inevitable change in front of me. I just don't feel I need a new year to do any of these things.

Change isn't easy, and yet it is easy. We can't stop change, yet we often struggle to accept change. Sometimes the change we seek isn't the change we need. Sometimes we aren't really ready for the change we think we want. Sometimes we try to force change to bend to our will.

We have to be willing to understand ourselves and the change presented before it can be incorporated into our lives. This isn't always easy, and it's one of the reasons resolutions fail. We aren't listening to ourselves and the universe around us. We're so busy thinking that because it's a new year, it's the right time. But, when it comes to living and changing, a new year is really as arbitrary as any other day of the year for change. The time for change is when it feels right in our souls, our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. In other words, it's when life tells us to pay attention and take action.

Look at the change already occurring in your life. See if there's something you can do with that. Embrace it. Understand it. Guide it. Accept it. Use it to achieve your goals. Just think about it.

Ask yourself a very important question. Is that change you see the product of your desire to be a better your or your desire to please someone else?

Regardless of the answer, three more things to think about. Is there a lesson in this change that will help you be your best self as you travel life's journey? Is this change inevitable? Do you have any control over this change?

Then set about making a plan to embrace the invitable and use it to your advantage.

My book of poetry, Reflection in Silhouette, is all about change along life's journey to find one's self!

Year in Gratitude... Complete?

2012-01-01T14:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday completed my year in gratitude. This morning I woke up and started my gratitude meditation without hesitation. It was short but still... I logged on to Facebook and had to restrain myself from typing "is grateful for..." as my first status of the day. I know I can still post a gratitude statement if I so choose, and perhaps I will but I don't have to. And, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I will continue beginning and ending my day with gratitude, but I likely won't do a daily Facebook gratitude statement. I like what focusing on gratitude brings to my life. It makes me feel better. It brings me in touch with love. It reminds me of my inner power. It shows me what's good in my life and what could use improvement. This leads me to realize what I truly want from life.

Embracing gratitude doesn't dethorn the roses, but it does help one decide which roses are worth risking the thorns.

I begin a new writing project this month as I take my year in gratitude project and turn it into a book! I'm excited to embark on this project and hope I continue to learn about gratitude as I delve into my gratitude meditations from last year. And, I hope sharing my lessons from my year in gratitude will help you embrace all the reasons in your life you have to be grateful.

My year in gratitude is just the beginning...

Reflections in Silhouette: Poems is Now Available in Paperback on Amazon

2011-12-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

The journey for the truth of self offers the opportunity for triumph and failure. Often as we search for who we’re meant to be in life, we misplace ourselves for a little while. Even when we’re struggling to reconnect with our misplaced cores, we can’t help but be ourselves. Life is simply a journey to fill in the gaps, to find our truths, to become our best selves. When we embrace the all of who we are, we live richer, fuller lives and avoid being simply reflections in silhouette…

Fearless... or Not

2011-12-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

On my best day, I am fearless... Well, unless there are snakes involved and then I'm a shivering, quaking, squealing, screaming, shaking ball of fear wishing I could escape to the top of my laundry room cabinets like my cats do when a stranger steps into the house. But, we're not talking about that kind of fear.

We're talking about looking at obstacles and knowing you have the power to overcome them, work through them, or just walk away from them. Each reaction serves its purpose in life. Determining which is the best option can be tricky depending on the situation.

So again, on my best day I am fearless. I like those days. On those days I smile no matter how frustrated I feel. I laugh at the absurdity that this thing - whatever it is - in front of me seems so incredibly important and the likelihood I'll even remember it in a month is pretty much nill. On those days, nothing phases me. I tackle obstacles with gusto and conquer challenges without so much as a crack in my smile. Those days you can insult me, criticize me, hate me, or run right over top of me... Well, you can try because your negativity won't phase my positivity or my outcome.

On my worst day, I fear both success and failure! What the heck creates that diachotomy? Talk about a styming state of mind! On those days, I am my own worst enemy. I criticize every move I make, second guess every decision, demand perfection when great would be better, and create obstacles where there are none. Those days someone else's criticism is like a bomb being dropped right into my core. I take it to heart, mind, soul, and body. Those days even a compliment somehow becomes criticism or at the very least suspicious. Luckily, I'm beginning to recognize those days and tailor my activities to match the mood as much as possible.

I've come to a place in my life where I have more fearless days than days where I fear both success and failure, I think. It's still a struggle. From childhood on, I received the message my best would never be good enough but failing wasn't an option, so it's a mantra I've had to rewrite continuously throughout my life. Will I ever be free of it? I don't know. I hope so, but I can only take my life as it comes. I never want to become so fearless that I become arrogant and ignore sound advice or fail to appreciate the encouragement, support, and inspiration others so generously give me.

I know that my best is good enough and that it's really the epitamy of what I have to offer. It has taken me a long time to accept that as truth, but I'm finding my life improves every time I let go of a little more of my need to be seen as perfect, to actually be perfect. The less I care about perfection, the more fearless I feel!

Announcing the Cover for Reflections in Silhouette, My Second Book of Poetry

2011-12-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

Check back soon for the release announcement!!

Listening When Life Speaks

2011-12-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post earlier this week that I've been tweaking all week. It's not that it needs that much tweaking. I realized today that it's about timing. While the timing was right to write it, it wasn't the right time to share it. So I've put it aside. I will probably share it sometime next week provided the timing feels right then.

Instead I decided to share a little something else with you.

This week has been a little odd for me. I had it all planned out, BUT life just refused to cooperate with my plans. Now that part isn't all that unusual. The part that was unusual was that I let it go. I didn't stress myself out or overtire myself trying to add the unexpected chores on top of what I planned to be doing. I didn't have a choice but to address the unexpected chores, so I did. I let my schedule just go. I didn't beat myself up - well, not too much anyway. I didn't feel like a failure. I didn't have any of my usual "I suck" attitude just because life decided my attention needed diverted. Instead, I tried to look at it through the advice I recently gave a friend. I told this friend that maybe the desired thing wasn't happening because there was something in the bigger picture that needed resolved or learned first. So I sat back, decided that maybe this minor inconvenience occurred when it did because the bigger picture of my life knew the timing was wrong for my plans for the week.

So what does this delay mean? Well, it means that as much as I wanted Reflections in Silhouette available to you by the end of next week, it likely won't be. It probably won't be available until early next month. It means that I let myself off the hook. It means that I'm working today instead of reading and watching television. It means that I'm not a hypocrite. I actually do believe what I tell others even if I don't always apply it to my life like I should. It means above all else that I took care of what needed my attention without compromising my need to take care of me. Yes, that means my work timeline suffered, but the book I release will be better than if I'd pushed myself to complete it while dealing with my minor inconvenience because I can give it the attention it deserves now that my minor inconvenience is under control, at least for the moment.

Mostly, it means I am human, and that is okay!

Sometimes... Love...

2011-12-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

I recently published a book of poetry, Love in Silhouette, about love. Problem is I'm not feeling very loving lately. Don't misunderstand me, I live my life from a place of love. I'm just feeling like I'm a little out of sync with the love in my life, but to quote Luther Vandross. "Sometimes love is wonderful, but sometimes it's only love." I suppose I'm in an "only love" state of mind lately.

Love is a journey we take as we travel through life. We find people who offer us love, and we choose whether or not to accept it. Sometimes we love when we it's against our own best interests. Sometimes we love when it hurts more than we can imagine. Sometimes we love against our will. Sometimes we love even when we can't express that love. Sometimes love lives in our hearts waiting for the right moment to be shared. Sometimes love tricks us into making decisions that seem right in the moment but haunt us later in life.

Also on the journey of love, we find love that is rewarding and uplifting. We find love that make us smile. We give love willingly and receive love that is open and real. We love because we deserve the best and the best is offered. We give love because we want the best for someone else. When two people give love from open hearts with honest intentions, love truly is wonderful even when it's only love.

Sometimes the journey of love brings us to a place where we love because we are so drawn to one another, there is no other choice. Sometimes we fight that love for as long as possible no matter how true we know it to be. Sometimes that's the right thing, but usually that's just fear interfering. Sometimes we give in to that love and find it's so hot even ice can't squelch its flame from consuming our hearts and souls.

Sometimes love gets lost in the mix. We think it's love when it's really just the next move on the chess board. We think it's love when it's really just need. We think it's love when it's really just security. We think it's love when it's really just what's familiar. We think it's love when it's really just settling for a substitute for the real thing. We think it's love because the true love we feel can't be expressed.

Sometimes love is only love. Sometimes it's wonderful. Sometimes it's nothing but a substitute that seems real. Sometimes we blind ourselves to reality to keep love. Sometimes we latch on to anything that resembles the love we think we really want. Sometimes we blind ourselves to the love that could be real because we fear it won't be returned.

Sometimes we forget that love changes. It grows. It morphs in to something unrecognizable. It grows stagnant from lack of nurturing. It can even die if not cherished and cultivated. It can revive after years of dormancy. It can be the most beautiful thing in the world and can lead to both our most exalted moments and our most painful ones.

Love is never a sure thing. The risk of love often seems too great, so we deny it, we walk away from it, we pretend it's anything other than love, we blind ourselves to the love that won't let go. And, then love bleeds out of us and reminds us who we are, what are dreams are, and what we denied ourselves.

Sometimes... Love...

For more thoughts on love, check out my book of poetry.

Love Never Demands Perfection

2011-12-12T19:13:00.000-08:00

My next book of poetry (coming soon), Reflections in Silhouette, is all about the struggle to find, accept, and love one's self in spite of... well, everything life throws at us. It's all about looking deep inside and saying "I don't have to be perfect." It's all about looking at those who demand perfection, even if they don't realize it, and saying "This is what I've got to offer. You don't have to like me. Someone will love me for who I am. Even if no one else does, I love me. And that's a start." It's also about recognizing those in our lives, who really do accept us "as is" and who genuinely think our best is perfect enough. Those people are truly rare.

Whenever someone makes us feel like we need to change to be with them, or we need to "fix" things about ourselves to be acceptable, that person isn't loving us as we are. That person doesn't think our best is enough. Whenever someone doesn't support our growth and our own desires to be our best selves, that person isn't loving us. The person is loving an image he or she has created of us.

Sadly, we do this to ourselves as well. We look at other people and try to makes ourselves what we think they want. We try to fit the image we think they have of us. Everyone loses when we do this. We become inauthentic. Then we build lives and relationships build on deceptions we don't even realize we're committing. When we deceive ourselves into believing someone else knows better who we should be, we deny our own truths. When we deny our own truths, we blind ourselves to the reality we live. When we deny our own truths, we cease to truly live and settle for simply existing.

The scariest thing is that we often deceive ourselves into thinking we're happy when adapt to meet someone else's image of us. We believe that because the other person or persons seem to like us better, perhaps even love us, we are better and therefore happier. This type of inauthentic happiness is actually intoxicating and can become resemble a drug. We become addicted to seeing the look of approval in the other person's eyes, and we may even begin to think that approval is love.

Approval and love are not the same thing. Love accepts us even when we're not perfect. Approval only wants us when we do what's acceptable to the person granting approval. That is a setup for inequality in a relationship. When you take back your power by embracing your true self again, you will find the approval will likely disappear and the love you attributed to the approval will also dissipate.

Being one's self may lead to a lack of approval from others, but if it costs you someone's love, even your own, it wasn't love to begin with. It may have been infatuation or perhaps even genuine concern. But love never demands perfection because love realizes perfection is only a dream.

Ride-a-Long with the Albany Police Department

2011-12-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

I arrived at the Albany Police Department a few minutes early for my ride-a-long. Officer Jason Camillo introduced himself. We exited through the back door to go to his patrol car. The temperature outside was around twenty-nine degrees. The car wasn't much warmer. I suddenly felt very glad I'd opted for warm clothes including my knee high brown boots, calf length tan wool coat, and striped scarf! Oh, boy, I began to second guess doing a ride-a-long in winter!
Officer Camillo got his gear settled. He stashed his duffel bag and some other things in the trunk, positioned his shotgun and assault rifle in their holders between the seats. I thought "I really hope we don't need those tonight, but it sure would be exciting." (Oops! There went my naughty side tempting my nice side.) I said with a little smile "I think I won't touch those."

He showed me the electronic ticketing machine (I forgot if it has an actual name) and explained how much better it is when it's raining since pens and paper are both affected by water. This machine is perfect for the Oregon weather. I'm sure those getting unsmudged tickets might disagree... Those nice, clean copies have to be harder to fight in court.

Our first activity of the evening was to arrest a woman on a warrant. She needed to finishing serving her jail time. It was only a few days on a misdemeanor charge. We went to the address on file for her. Another officer joined Officer Camillo to attempt the arrest. Officer Camillo asked me to stay in the car for my safety. I didn't argue. I had no desire to stand out in the cold. He returned to the car without the woman. She no longer lived there. He entered a quick report.

Then he learned it was possible she was living somewhere else, so we went to that address. He and the other officer approached the house. I sat in the car watching people's reaction to the police car and the officers. It's amazing how many people look the other direction or cover their faces or make some other concealing gesture when they see a police officer or a police car. I wondered if I do the same thing without even realizing it. A little while later he returned. The people at that house said that she was living there but wasn't home.

I kind of hoped she would come walking up the sidewalk while we sat there, so I could witness the arrest. She didn't, so we went on our way. They would try again another night.

We were driving along chatting about "what if" scenarios when we passed a bicyclist who seemed to be trying to avoid being seen. Officer Camillo gave a U-turn that reminded me of the EVOC driving we did during the Albany Citizen's Police Academy. Cool! We pulled over the bicyclist. He had a record, but his only violation for the night was not having a light on his bicycle, so Officer Camillo issued a warning.

Shortly thereafter, we stopped another bicyclist who also received a no light warning. He looked like a teenager but turned out to be in his late twenties.

We drove around for a bit checking out areas where people are known to do drugs, but no one was out. I guess even drug addicts have enough sense to stay indoors when it's that cold.

Officer Camillo was called to help search for a juvenile who'd stolen enough jewelry for a felony classification, but she was long gone.

A domestic dispute call came in. This got my heart pumping. A couple was fighting in a driveway while a child sat in the car. By the time we arrived, the parents were gone. The child was with his grandparents. Any argument was denied. The child was safe.

We drove around again looking at other spots where criminal activity was known to take place.

A call came out for an apartment complex we'd just passed. Someone was sleeping outside in the common area and might have been looking for drugs earlier. Officer Camillo and another officer went to talk to him. After hearing his story, they were able to ascertain he'd done nothing illegal and found him shelter for the night.

We searched for another criminal who'd pulled a knife in a lobby somewhere, but we didn't find him.

We followed a couple of suspicious cars and Officer Camillo pulled license plates to make sure there were no warrants, stolen car alerts, or other criminal activity related to the car or the car's owner. One car showed up as having formerly been listed as stolen but no longer was; however, the female owner had a restraining order out against a male and a male was driving, so Officer Camillo confirmed via photo the driver wasn't the male with the restraining order. We went on our way.

We chatted about family, life, and police work as we drove around Albany. There were many times when I had no idea where I was and then would suddenly recognize something and feel anchored again.

It was an interesting experience. Officer Camillo kept apologizing that there wasn't more action for me to see, but that's not such a bad thing. As much as I would've liked to see more of the police at work, crime not taking place is a good thing. Besides, it was a reminder that law enforcement really isn't anything like what we see on television or read in books. A lot of it is finding the details to make the puzzle pieces fit and that can be quite mundane.

He encouraged me to sign up for another ride-a-long and suggested August, since apparently that's when you get some really busy nights. I just might have to see if I can make that work...

Emotional Quicksand: AKA My Poetry

2011-12-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

In a recent Facebook status update, I said:

just realized that I've spent much of this year wading through the emotional quicksand I call poetry while managing to stay afloat though at times it is tempting to just let go and sink...

While some might see this statement as negative for me it was a point of pride. There was a point in my life where the work I did on my poetry this year would've sunk me into self-destructive behavior. There are only a few people in the world who know how truly self-destructive I can be when properly motivated and even fewer who know what it takes to bring me to that place or how to then get me out of it.

But this year, when I felt tempted to let go and sink into that emotional quicksand, I did things I'd never done before. They may seem like no-brainers to you, but for me this was revelatory.

I allowed myself to cry, to sit at my desk and let the tears flow while I worked. I didn't stop working, and I didn't stop the tears. I didn't make excuses for the tears. I didn't question the tears. I didn't analyze the tears. I didn't judge them. I just let them be. I didn't fight them, and they didn't fight me. It was positively cathartic!!

Other times, I called/texted/IMed (oh, today's verbage. gotta love it.) with my friends. Sometimes we talked about the poetry projects and even my feelings about certain poems. Other times my friends distracted me enough that I didn't get bogged down and distracted by the content of the poems while doing more tedious tasks.

My friends chatted with me, analyzed poems with me, reminded me of why I decided to publish my poetry, encouraged me, and reminded me that great is actually better than perfect. One friend texted with me for a couple of hours one night as I worked through a particularly emotional set of poems. It was a light conversation, for the most part, and the friend didn't even know I was working through most of the conversation, but it kept me balanced.

I also turned to my community on Facebook with status updates about my progress and to share poems. This brought encouragement, insight, and support often in ways people likely didn't know they were giving. A silly comment that made me laugh in the midst of a group of painful memories. A word of encouragement about my progress. A "like" about a post related to my poetry or my gratitude statement of the day.

There were times when I also put myself first and disappointed others. This is always hard for me, but it became necessary for me to concentrate and give my own work the attention it deserved. There were those who understood. There were those who respected me for it. There were those who, well, didn't respond so kindly. The unkind responses made me appreciate those who truly care about me and my goals that much more.

As I prepared to release Love in Silhouette, I couldn't help but wonder if some of these poems will make people who think they know me well, question just how well they really know me. I also wonder if some of the people who inspired certain poems will recognize themselves in the poems should they read them. The last two things that occasionally concern me are that someone may misinterpret a poem or assign a poem to an incorrect time period in my life, but that can only happen with people who think they know more than they do about me and my past. Strangers won't care, and those who love me know the truth.

So, I released the poems into the world for judgment because I know that in the end no matter how the world judges them, my friends will be there to remind me of what's important.

I'm nearing completion of the manuscript portion for the second book, Reflections in Silhouette, right now. At least I think it's almost complete. As I rearranged the order of the poems and added a few new poems to improve the flow, I realized that I've learned a lot throughout this process. I've learned that sometimes you have to reach out and say "support me, please." because your friends can't know what you're feeling, but their inability to read your mind and heart doesn't mean they don't care. I've learned that sometimes a distraction that presents itself is there to help you through something tough making it as much blessing as distraction. I've learned that my feelings don't have to be hidden or tempered or changed for those who truly care about me. They will continue to care about me even when I'm sitting at my desk crying tears they don't see while reading their silly texts designed to make me smile. I've learned something about accepting support and asking for help. Sometimes you don't have to ask, sometimes you just have to accept the support offered even when the person offering it doesn't know they're offering it. Sometimes that is the best help of all.

I managed to stay afloat as the emotional quicksand that is my poetry surrounded me, but I didn't do it alone. And, that's okay. Strength doesn't mean pulling yourself out of the quicksand on your own so much as finding and accepting the resources and support of those who will throw you a lifeline when you need it. Much love and thanks to all my friends who support, encourage, and inspire me whether they know they help me or not as I traverse the emotional quicksand that is the poetry I've written.

Yoga & Love: Why I Practice Yoga!

2011-11-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Recently, I posted the following on Writers on the Move as my workout "status" for the day:

Yoga felt really great this morning!! Really great!! My focus was on target, and I even felt some negativity I didn't even know I was holding inside drain away.... And I thought I'd already dealt with those hurt feelings!! Wow!!

I really didn't think much about it until Jackie Dishner, one of the other membersof the group, commented:

I've not experienced that kind of power yet. But I'd like to.

I responded:

You will, Jackie! This isn't my first experience with it. My first experience with it is kind of hard to put into words. It was incredibly powerful and changed my life or at least my perspective on life because it changed the way I viewed myself and also those around me. BUT, and this is important, it can't be forced. That power comes when you need it and you're ready for it and not a minute before. Just be patient with yourself and with your yoga practice!!

As I went about the rest of my day, my thoughts kept returning to my first experience with the power of yoga. I pushed it aside, but it kept interfering with my ability to write and to do my household chores. Finally, I realized I felt a little guilty about saying that my first experience with it was hard to put into words. That was a bit of a cop out.

Truth is I was being selfish. There I said it. I cherish that memory. I want to keep it to myself, so I can use it whenever I need it. I have a little fear it'll lose its magic if I share it with the world. There's also a little part of me that thinks people might think I'm a bit crazy if I tell the story. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized my experience might help someone. Who knows? Maybe my story will encourage someone to try yoga or to stick with yoga. Maybe the magic of that moment will even grow. As for crazy, well enough people already think that, so who really cares?

I don't remember exactly why I decided to try yoga. I'd struggled to find a workout I really enjoyed. I talked about that in another post, Writers on the Move Just May Change My Opinion of Workout Groups. When I first started practicing yoga, I liked how yoga made me feel physically even though I seriously struggled with the poses. I didn't buy into the whole "spiritual, emotional" aspect of it. To me, it was just another fitness routine.

So here I was a few months after I started practicing yoga, moving through my poses. They were going a little better than usual. I still wasn't flexible enough or strong enough to do many of the poses fully, but somehow that day they felt more fluid. I moved through them with a bit more ease. My body felt really good. I felt lighter than usual. I felt almost happy as I moved through the poses. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I liked it. Looking back I now realize it was probably the first time I worked through the routine and was really "in the moment" - not letting my mind drift to my task list, my problems, or meeting expectations.

I reached Savasana, aka Corpse Pose. I hated Savasana at that point in my life. I really hated it. I didn't understand how ending a workout by doing nothing could be beneficial. I didn't understand that being consciously and purposefully still could be as difficult and as rewarding, perhaps even more so, as being busy. I hated it so much I'd even skipped it a few times when I was pressed for time, but that day my routine was going so well I wanted to see it through.

So I moved into Savasana fighting the feelings of vulnerability it always triggered in me. Something about lying on the floor with my eyes closed, my arms stretched out to my sides, my neck elongated, my chest and stomach exposed, and my legs slightly open and relaxed made me feel very vulnerable. One more reason to not like Savasana.

I took a deep breath and followed the narrator's instructions. I closed my eyes. The narrator said something about giving myself to the Earth that I'd never particulary liked, but this time it didn't bother me so much. I felt my muscles relax. The feeling of lightness I'd had throughout the yoga routine linger.

Suddenly, a bolt of pure love hit my heart with so much intensity, my left arm and my left leg jerked up from the floor and returned to position. My body trembled. My muscles tingled. I felt love radiate out of my heart to meet love that blanketed me. It was the most honest love I'd ever experienced. I lay there just enjoying the sensation, just being in that moment, just feeling love and nothing else, just love. In that moment, the thought "I am made of pure love." flitted through my mind. I didn't argue with it. I allowed the idea to settle into my mind. I kind of liked it.

I'm not sure how long I lay there, but when I opened my eyes the video, Ali MacGraw - Yoga Mind & Body, had quit running and the television was a blank screen. I stood up, shook out my limbs, took a couple of sips of water, and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw tears on my face. I hadn't even felt tears start. I noticed a fresh one trail down my cheek as I stared at my face in the mirror. Something looked different, but I didn't know quite recognize it.

Something had changed. The pure love I'd experienced had healed something inside me. Or at least it had started me on the healing process. I saw things differently. I saw people differently. I realized that the healing I needed began and ended in the honest love I'd experienced while doing Savasana. It took me a while to truly embrace that and to learn how to incorporate it into my life as is typical of me. I slowly began to trust that if I allowed pure, honest love into my life, healing and happiness followed.

I've experienced the power of connecting with my emotions through yoga since then, but that first time was the most powerful. Over the years, I've opened myself to the moments when the focus and meditation of yoga lead me to breakthroughs or help me find balance when I feel out of balance. I've learned through yoga to be more in tune with my body physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's amazing what treating one's body with respect, attention, intention, and love does to increase one's health and wellbeing in all aspects of life.

I appreciate, embrace, and revel in the power of yoga to help me on my journey to embrace the me I want to be, the me I truly am, and the life I want to share with others. I encourage you to experience it for yourself.

Gratitude & Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year when people's thoughts turn to gratitude or as many are currently putting it thankfulness. It's nice that Thanksgiving gives people a reason, or perhaps an excuse, to turn their thoughts to gratitude. I find myself wondering why it takes a holiday to get people to appreciate the good things in their lives, but I wonder this every year. I still haven't found a satisfactory answer.

At the beginning of 2011, well technically the end of 2010, I decided to spend a whole year focused on gratitude. I've blogged about this a couple of times before, but it feels like it's time to say a few words about it again. Maybe because Thanksgiving is today, and I'm having a harder time feeling thankful than I have all year. I know why and a part of me feels like it's completely understandable, but I don't like feeling like this. I prefer my state of gratitude. I really do.

This year has had some strange ups and downs. My life has encountered some challenges that I probably should've seen coming but didn't. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say I chose not to see them. A little over a year ago, I told a good friend that "Willful blindness makes the day go a lot smoother." when explaining a particular situation in my life. I've come to realize that simple sentence had become my motto at some point over the years. If I didn't want to see it, I closed my eyes. If I didn't want to hear it, I covered my ears.If I didn't want to feel the pain, I acted like it didn't exist. If I didn't want it to be reality, I pretended it wasn't. I created a reality that looked like I what I wanted to see even if it only really existed in my mind. In a way I guess I bought into the idea that if you think it, it will happen. But there are some things you just can't think into existence.

In a way, I even became grateful for the willful blindness. It allowed me to smile. It allowed me laugh. It allowed me to in contact with people. It allowed me to be a wife. It allowed me to exist. It allowed me forget what I wanted to forget. It allowed me to ignore the truths that didn't fit with the paradigm I'd created. It allowed me to pretend I actually had a fulfilling life. It allowed me to maintain a certain level of happiness I even believed was real as long as I never looked below the surface, so to speak.

When the blinders were suddenly ripped from my face, I grabbed them and tried to put them back on. I rather liked the reality they'd created. I didn't want to face that that reality was a pretense. I'd worked hard to create it. I wanted to believe that happiness was real. I really did. I was grateful for the happiness I felt. So what if it was only surface happiness?

As I accepted that the blinders weren't my friend, I began to feel resentful and angry. I felt like too much about my life was false, and I didn't know what to do with those feelings. My gratitude for the life I had began to disappear.

I decided I needed to get back in touch with my gratitude in an effort to reconnect to my happy state of being because as my blinders came off I realized I wasn't as happy as I thought, but I didn't realize my former happiness had been surface level only. That took a while to discover and even longer to accept.

As I focused on gratitude, I discovered something that surprised me. There are things about my life I love. There are things about my life I don't like in the least. I feel genuine happiness and genuine sadness in my heart. I have needs and desires that are important. I discovered that I could be happy without denying who I am. I discovered I could be happy and still be loved. I discovered that pretending didn't help anyone. I discovered that being myself might cost me, but that not being myself had cost me more.

Focusing on gratitude lead me to understand that I want positive people in my life. I want people who are optimistic and loving and caring and supportive and encouraging and inspiring in my life. And just as much as I want people who give me those things I want people who allow me to give the same back to them.I want people in my life who are real. I want people who can say they're having a bad day without blaming the whole world. I want people in my life who can acknowledge both the good and the bad in themselves. I want people in my life who are honest not only with others but first with themselves. I want happiness. I want other people to be happy. I want people who want me to be happy without changing me. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want to continue my writing. I want success. I want balance.

Knowing what I truly want makes it so much easier to set goals. Accepting what I truly want makes it so much easier to express my desires and needs. Embracing what I truly want makes it so much easier to push forward. Letting go of the fear that my desires don't line up perfectly with the image others see of me or with those of the important people in my life is scary but leads to much more honest communication. The vulnerability may lead to pain, but at least the pain will be honest. I am grateful that I've come come to recognize, accept, and embrace my true desires in life.

I find I'm grateful for all the people who've contributed to my life's journey. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am. I'm grateful for the friends who helped me uncover my truth and supported me along the way. I love them more than they know.

If nothing else, I can say that my experiences have inspired my writing resulting in short stories, my novel, All She Ever Wanted, and my poetry including my recently released book of poetry, Love in Silhouette. So even when I think about lost moments or mistakes made, I have to concede my body of work wouldn't exist without the experiences I've encountered.

So, as I think about Thanksgiving, I realize that I have much to feel thankful for even if it's not the things people generally feel thankful for. Instead, I'm thankful that I'm facing my life - both the good and the bad - once again. I'm thankful for the growth I've experienced in the last year - actually all the growth I've experienced in my life. I'm thankful for the work inspired by my experiences. I'm thankful for real feelings even when they're not always happiness...

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Final Thoughts

2011-11-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

I signed up for the Albany Citizens Police Academy to enhance the crime scenes and the investigations in my novels. I realized even before class started that the purpose of the class was to build better relations between the community and the police department, so I knew my needs wouldn't be the focus of the academy. I resigned myself to this and decided to garner what I could from the class because every insight, every new bit of knowledge helps, every observation can lead to something.

When I started the class, I also hoped to make a new friend or two. But then again, I go into every situation hoping to make a new friend or two. I'm of the mindset that one can never have enough friends. Well, I can say I made a few acquaintances, so it's a start!

As a writer, I also hoped to make some contacts within the department. That I'm fairly sure I accomplished. I have business cards of several members of the department, and Chief Boyd sought me out after my talk on the last night to give me his card and encourage me to contact him if I had any questions he could answer for my upcoming books! Wow, nice!

I found the Albany Citizens Police Acadamy rewarding. The EVOC rides and the shooting simulation were certainly enjoyable and enlightening. I loved seeing the K-9 unit is action even if they were only excercises. Wearing the Fatal Vision goggles was enlightening, and seeing the drugs firsthand surprising. And, that only hits aa few of the memorable moments already detailed in various posts on my blog. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting the members of the department and getting a better understanding of their roles.

Small town departments work differently than departments in large cities, and I think that's important for writers and readers as well as citizens to keep in mind. One of the main differences being that everyone in a small department is expected to pitch in when needed and that Detective, at least in Albany Police Department, is a lateral, temporary assignment not a lifetime promotion as is the case in larger departments and usually on television and in books.

Also, there is no law enforcement department that is as well-equipped as the CSI shows might lead one to believe. Often, between limited resources and the backlog at state forensic analysis offices, evidence takes months to be processed creating delays in investigations and prosecutions. That is reality!

The members of the Albany Police Department and law enforcement community who taught the classes and demonstrated myriad aspects of the job seemed to truly enjoy sharing their knowledge and experience with the class. They were always positive about their jobs even when describing the challenges. At times, the instructors took topics that seems mundane and made them interesting and engaging.

Shortly after one particular class, my husband and I were driving home in the evening and saw a police vehicle parked off the road and empty. As we stopped at a stop sign, we saw an officer walking in our lane toward us with his flashlight shining right at our car. In the past, I would've started wondering if we'd done something wrong and probably gotten nervous. Having taken the class and just days before that learned that many times officers are just looking for help, I didn't even give it a second thought. As he approached the driver side window, I tilted my head down so I could see him from the passenger side. I recognized Seargent Drum from our EVOC training. He asked us if we'd seen anyone pass us as he scanned the light over the interior of our car. Before I would've thought the light scanning the car was because he considered us suspicious, but thanks to the class I realized he was just making sure there were no surprises in the back seat. We said no. He thanked us and resumed his search. End of conversation. We went on our way.

The moral of that story is that you shouldn't always assume you've done something wrong just because a police officer approaches you. He/she may just need any information you can give them. Perhaps even a lack of information can be helpful. You never know. I have to admit, I wished for a minute that we'd seen someone, so we could've pointed him in the right direction, but who knows perhaps us not seeing the person was helpful in its own way. Maybe that helped rule out a direction. Maybe not, but who knows.

What I know is that I better appreciate the work our Albany Police Department does with limited resources and in conjunction with neighboring law enforcement agencies. It takes a whole community to create a safe environment that is mutually beneficial to all its citizens. The police have a function to serve and so do the citizens of any community. I am now more aware of what goes on around me, and I was already fairly aware. I am also more cognizant of the fact that I may not know what's going on around me. For example, I had no idea just how large the drug problem is in the Albany area or how much the police departments in the area have worked together to bring it under control.

If your city, or town, or a neighboring town offers a Citizens Police Academy, I encourage you to take it. You'll be surprised at what you learn about your community, your role as a citizen, and the job of the police. If you're a writer just don't expect the class to cater to your specific needs. That's not what it's designed for. (There is an Academy for that as well called the Writers Police Academy. It's in session once a year.) The Citizens Police Academy is designed to create a better relationship between the police and the citizens they serve. If you live in the Albany, Oregon area, check out the Albany Citizens Police Academy.

I think we could all benefit from understanding each other's roles in society a little better. We often forget there are those who work tirelessly to make sure we enjoy the comforts of the lives we build. None of us succeed or fail on our own no matter how much we think we do. It just isn't possible.

So, thank a police officer for giving up his/her weekends, holidays, and family time, so you can spend that time with yours safely.

My thanks to all the police officers in the communities surrounding mine as well as the communities where my loved ones reside for doing your part to keep combat crime and keep us all safe.

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Graduation!

2011-11-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

The Albany Citizens Police Academy Class 2011

The Albany Citizens Police Academy graduation took place last night.

The evening started with dinner catered by Izzy's Pizza. Mayor Sharon Konopa sat at the table where I was sitting while we ate. She chatted everyone at the table easily.

After dinner, Chief Boyd spoke briefly about the importance of the Albany Citizens Police Academy and its role in bridging the gap between the community and the department thanking the class for participating in the Academy. Lieutentant Casey Dorland then spoke briefly about how much the department appreciates those who participate in the class. Mayor Konopa spoke for a few minutes about how valued the police department is and the importance of the Citizens Academy. She encouraged class participants to spread what we learned from participating in the class.

Then it was my turn to speak. I'd spent some time reviewing the blogs I've written over the duration of the Albany Citizens Police Academy and making some notes. As I sat there, notes in front of me, I changed my mind. I looked around the room and decided I didn't want to give the talk I'd planned. I ditched my notes and followed my instincts. As I felt it was my responsibility to represent the class, I decided to include them by asking them to share their thoughts interspersed with my own comments. I had a little fun with it!

Larry Rowson spoke after me. He told us that he used to live in the spot where the building we were in stands. He talked about how well the instructors taught and how he enjoyed learning about how they did their jobs and the various responsibilities. He also offered a suggestion that the Citizens Academy include someone from the fire department in the future. I thought that was a good idea.

Posing with certifcate and mug
after graduation!

After Larry concluded his comments, we moved on to the graduation portion of the evening. Community Education Specialist Carmen Westfall, Chief Boyd, Captain Carter, and Captain Dorland stood in the front of the room. Carmen presented a certificate and class photo to each student, and Captain Carter presented a Albany Police Department coffee mug to each student. Handshakes all around!

After the presentation of the certificates, cake was served! Then we all spent a little time socializing and chatting! A very nice little party to end the Albany Citizens Police Academy!

Stay tuned for one more blog post about the Albany Citizens Police Academy! I have a few more thoughts I want to share regarding the class!

Love in Silhouette: Poems is Now Available on Amazon.com

2011-11-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Love in Silhouette: Poems is now available on Amazon.com in paperback. Kindle version coming soon!
Read, enjoy, review!!

Love. We long for it. We feel the sting of love’s loss. We give love in hopes of receiving love. We withhold love out of fear it won’t be returned. Love connects us. Love disappoints us. Love distinguishes us. Love extinguishes us. Love abandons us. Love disappoints us. Love creates expectations. Love fulfills lives. Love is always a risk worth exploring even when it fails. Love is poetry… Poetry is love… Love becomes a silhouette.

Lessons in Memories of War Now Available

2011-11-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

New poem, Lessons in Memories of War, now available for your reading pleasure. This poem is based on an inteview I did with my Grandpa Stamm for my American History Class in high school.

Standing in the Moment

2011-11-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

We stand in this moment. Then we'll stand in the next moment. Then the next. Then... Well, you get picture.

As we stand in each moment we choose how to act and how to react. We can stand in love. We can stand in anger. We can stand in resentment. We can stand in sadness. We can stand in happiness. We can stand in disappointment. We can stand in satisfaction. We can stand in ectasy. We can stand in gratitude. We can stand in isolation. We can stand in togetherness. We can stand in openness. We can stand in closedoff-ness.

Often it feels like we don't have a choice of what we stand in due to outside circumstances. The words someone says to us hurt our feelings. Someone's attitude towards us cuts deeply. Someone denies us something to which we feel entitled. Someone makes us do something we don't want to do. (Yeah, yeah, we all say no one can make us do anything we don't want to do, but if that was true there would be no victims in this world. There would also likely be very few clean houses and very few people working at menial jobs. So there.) Someone takes something away that we love. Someone leaves us behind through death or a relationship ending. Or myriad other little hurts we encounter through typical human interaction.

Sometimes the place someone leads us is even positive. Someone says something that makes us smile. Someone mentions a memory that brings a sense of togetherness. Someone give us a reason to laugh. Someone reminds us of the power of human touch through a hug or a kiss lifting a bad mood. Someone reaches out when we hurt and reminds us life will get better.

It dawned on me this morning that sometimes when I really should feel like all is hopeless, I find I stand in hope and happiness. Is that weird? I don't know. Maybe it's just realizing that wallowing in self-pity or becoming self-destructive, as I've tended to do in the past, isn't going to have positive results. So I find something else to cling to, to look forward to, to rejoice in.

What I do know is that when stand in love, I find tackling the hurts of life much easier. When I stand in anger or resentment or sadness, I find it harder to find my way back to happiness even when things look positive or someone reminds me I'm worthy of happiness and love.

I'm not encouraging the idea of denying our true feelings. I say feel what you feel, embrace those feelings, even celebrate the bad feelings, then grab on to what motivates you to improve your life and move forward.

My forthcoming book of poetry, Love in Silhouette, explores the positives and negative aspects of feeling and sharing love in romantic relationships. Reflections in Silhouette, my second book of poetry to be released soon, explores the idea of learning to love and accept one's self. These two books of poetry explore my ongoing struggle to stand in love no matter what barriers I encounter. Both books explore my desire to always choose to stand in my truth whatever the truth of the moment may be. I hope you'll join me in doing so!

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week 10 - Computer Forensics and Narcotics

2011-11-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

As per usual, class started with a few words from Community Education Specialist, Carmen Westfall. She asked for volunteers to speak at next week's graduation. I felt my hand go up before I even realized it, so I guess I'm speaking at graduation. Oh, boy, maybe I can use these blogs to pull together something interesting... Oh, well, at least I enjoy public speaking.

Then we posed for the class picture... Okay, think high schoool, the whole class stands together in a group and snap, snap, snap. Now there's a pictire of you with a bunch of people you may never see again, some of whom you likely won't remember, truth be told. Only in this instance, there are some people in the class I've not exchanged more than two words with. And, yet, we've spent our Tuesday evenings together and two Saturdays together over the past ten weeks. Oh, well! Apparently, we each get a copy, so I'll share once I've got it in my possession!

Next, Detective Dawn Hietala explained the vital role of computer forensics in police investigations. Her job is to find evidence on computers. She trained in techniques to pull information from computers without altering or disturbing the evidence. She preserves, identifies, extracts, analyzes, and documents the evidence, so that the criminal can be successfully prosecuted and the victim validated. She explained the process for removing the hard disk, imaging it, replacing it, and then searching for the evidence. The training to become certified is time consuming and expensive, so there aren't a lot of computer forensic experts. The numbers are growing though.

Detective Hietala searches deep into the computer to find things including things people often think they've deleted or erased from the computer. Even damaged hard drives can reveal their contents. Completely erasing files from a computer is nearly impossible. It can be retrieved with the right training and by an expert who knows how to find it!

A large portion of Detective Hietala's job is locating child pornography on computers belonging to child molesters. This helps to validate the stories of molestors' victims and to prove the person is a pedophile. She sends the images she finds to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). NCMEC runs the images against those in their database to find the ones who've been identified through other cases. The identifications help to both identify that a child was actually a child when the picture/video was taken and aids in prosecution. This database also helps to identify patterns of behavior between videos identifying both victims and perpetrators.

Important note: if you don't want something discovered, your best best is to never put it on your computer because even if you delete it or use an erasure program, remnants remain. This is easy to forget in today's world of instant communication and digital sharing.

Following Detective Hietala's presentation, Detectives Justin Alexander and Alex Johnson explained narcotics investigation. They spent a significant amount of time explaining the effects of various narcotics. They also explained how the law allowing medical marijuana use has complicated enforcing the law because so many people abuse the law and thwart the system.

The detectives explained heroin's close relationship to oxycontin. Both are opiates. Oxycontin can be manipulated to be used in a manner similar to heroin. Suddenly, I understood why in Kentucky oxycontin has earned the nikcname "Hillbilly Heroin" better than I did before. I wish I didn't. Another one of those moments in life when I wish I could remain ignorant to make myself feel better. - Willful blindness seems to be a habit of mine.

They discussed the drug dog with obvious affection and admiration expressing that the dog easily pays for himself in finding drugs that would otherwise go undetected.

Protecting the children who are trapped in drug riddled environments is a strong motivator for the both detectives. Sadly, they explained that most of the time children living in these homes test positive for whatever drugs the adults in the house are using. This is usually through accidental contact.

They talked with pride about a large bust where weapons and a significant amount of money was seized, but, without hesitation, said they'd trade those large busts for saving a child in danger any time.

Many may be surprised at what it takes to establish probable cause to enter a house suspected of drug possession/distribution. Most investigations take multiple months just to gain entry. There are also undercover buys and the like to help establish probable cause. Confidential informants who have a prior relationship with the dealer are often the easiest way for the detectives to gain access to the evidence needed to get probable cause and to make arrests.

Detectives Johnson and Alexander brought in several different types of drugs and drug paraphenalia to show us what the drugs and the paraphenalia look like. I was surprised how normal the psychodelic mushrooms looked. They would be easy to mistake for something nonthreatening. One marijuana pipe amused me. It looked like someone had removed the cylinder from a six-shooter and placed it on top of the pipe. Detective Alexander explained that it was designed to put in marijuana for up to six smokers. Each person would smoke from his/her slot. The next would rotate the cylinder and smoke from the next. Yet, I found it slightly amusing that they were all using the same mouthpiece. Germs! Yuck!

They also allowed a few of us to perform the field test for meth. I volunteered. Detective Alexander had us put on black gloves. Then he handed each of us a little plastic bag with three vials in it. Next he dropped a small piece of meth into the bag. It looked like rock salt. We each sealed our individual bag with a little plastic clamplike thing. We crushed the first vial and swished the bag around. Then we crushed the second vial and swished again. Then we crushed the third vial and swished. The contents turned an inky blue-purple color almost before I started the final swishing. That was kind of cool.

Okay, I know I've complained a bit about the focus on drug investigations throughout the Academy, but the presentation on narcotics was interesting, well presented, and very informative. It's not necessarily something I see needing for any of my planned projects, but who knows maybe the knowledge will inspire a new project...

The "Proofs" of Love in Silhouette

2011-11-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

Last week, I shared the cover of Love in Silhouette with you. This week, the proof! Two typos have delayed the release date I'd hoped for! It should still be available for your reading pleasure by the end of next week! In the meantime, here are photos of the proof - both the front and back cover!!

Enjoy!!

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week 9 - Detectives and Major Cases

2011-11-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was late for class tonight, so I missed the information/introduction. Oh, well, sometimes life works that way...

Captain Eric Carter (remember him from way back - our first class) talked about the detectives unit including who the detectives are, the structure of the department, and the role detectives play in the Albany Police Department. Detectives in the Albany Policy Department work on a rotation. They apply for 2, 4, or 6 year terms. At the end of the term, they return to patrol duty. Patrol officers and Detectives are lateral on the heirarchy at the Albany Police Department. Many patrol officers have or will have detective experience, so they are equipped to handle cases. The small size of the Albany Police Department dictates that all police officers be able to help out on major cases.

Captain Carter also talked about evidence collection. He explained that it's important to have a wide perimeter around the crime scene to make sure all the evidence is uncontaminated. Every person who comes in contact with the scene leaves something behind and takes something away even if it's only the dust on their shoes. Crime scenes are limited to essential personnel only. If an officer or detective doesn't have a reason to be there, they are kept out of the scene. Many photos are taken as they may show things that are missed or initially thought unimportant or unrelated to the crime. A small item may be found to be important, so all items are taken from the scene.

DNA is crucial evidence as it identifies the suspect. Captain Carter talked about the process for collecting DNA from a suspect. Collecting DNA from a person requires either consent or a search warrant. Six swabs are used to take samples from the inside of the mouth - three on each side. The samples are then sent to the crime lab for analysis. Due to the backlog DNA generally takes several months to garner results for the department. During that time, the suspect is often roaming free. In special cases, the department can and does ask for expedited results. Oregon only has one crime lab, so their case load is huge and many departments may be asking for expedited results meaning it can still take a significant amount of time to get results back.

Lieutenant Brad Liles added a quick comment about collecting DNA at the crime scene. He explained that six swabs are still taken. One is water only. One is the substrate alone. Another is water plus the substrate of the item on which the evidence lies. Three swabs of the actual evidence are taken. All this is sent to the lab for testing. The control samples help to eliminate anythng that is in the water or on the item on which the evidence lies.

They referenced a major arson case vaguely as there's not a lot about it they can mention other than what's already been in the news. One problem with arson cases is that much evidence gets destroyed by the firefighters doing their job to put out the fire.

They also explained how important footprints are in solving a crime as there is a large database of shoe treads that can be referenced to narrow down suspects.

Types of injuries and the patterns of injuries also play a large part in finding and convicting criminals.
Lieutenant Liles described the role of the detectives in two major cases. He explained the crimes committed, the evidence collection, the investigation, and the sentences after conviction.

The first case was a kidnap/rape case.

The second was a double homicide that started as a missing persons case. The missing persons case originated in Albany, but the double homicide took place in Benton County. Jurisdiction for the prosecution went to Benton County rather than staying in Albany.

Both cases illustrated how important evidence collection, interviews, and tenacity are in making arrests and obtaining convictions.

Both speakers were engaging and interesting. They really brought the crimes to life by illustrating that involved in these crimes are real human beings with family and friends.

Your Feelings and Mine Hold Equal Importance, Really They Do

2011-11-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today I read a statement that stopped me cold - just an innocuous little statement in the middle of several others. Johanna Garth is doing something she calls The Fulfillment Project to make her already good life a little better or something to that effect. Today, on her blog, Losing Sanity, she's talking about a reward system of marbles she set up for her children. She lists a few of the things for which they can earn marbles. One of those things is what made me pause and think. She included "put someone else's feelings before your own" as a behavior that earns a marble. In theory, I don't disagree, but alarm bells started going off in my head. When we teach children to put others feelings before their own, we have to be careful to not teach them that their feelings aren't important.

It's one thing to value someone else's feelings, but it should never come at the expense of one's own feelings. I learned this the hard way. In many ways, as a lot women I know were, I was raised to put everyone else's feelings first and consequently to believe that my feelings didn't matter, or at least were less important. I don't think this was necessarily the intended message, but it was the lesson learned.

There's a fine line between putting someone else's feelings first and devaluing your own. For a long time, I thought it was one or the other, so I would swing between devaluing my feelings and demanding that others value them. I think it's very important that we as human beings learn to value other people's feelings without devaluing our own. It has taken me years to truly know this beyond a conceptual idea and even longer to implement it in my life. I still struggle with this, but I'm getting better at it.

When we value our own feelings, we learn to own them. We learn to understand them. We learn to accept them. We learn that no one can dictate them to us. We learn to share them appropriately and without fear. We learn that every feeling we have is not only our right but our responsibility.

It's only when we truly value our own feelings, that we can even begin to honestly value someone else's in a healthy and productive way. Until that moment, all we're doing is sacrificing our feelings, perhaps our very being, in order to value someone else's feelings. And, that person may never value our feelings like we value his/hers. In a perfect world they would, but this world is far from perfect.

So, I say let's all learn to value one another's feelings without devaluing our own. Your feelings are just as important as mine. My feelings are just as important as yours. Think how much better we'd treat one another if we all lived by that simple concept...

Okay, today should've been the Albany Citizen's Police Academy post, but this felt more important, so you get the Albany Citizen's Police Adademy tomorrow. Hope your feelings are okay with that!

New Attitude? Old Attitude? What's in an Attitude Anyway?

2011-10-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not particularly fond of the word attitude. It has to do with my history with the word, but I don't want to go into that at this point.

I have been making an effort to confront things that I would normally avoid, so I am going to talk about why the word attitude is on my mind lately. See, I've recently realized my attitude has undergone a change. At first this scared me because I felt an attitude emerging that I haven't felt in probably twenty years. And, there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to be who I was then. There were things about that girl that I really didn't like, even then. There were other things about her that I loved.

Crazy thing is that as I embraced the attitude I've been feeling over the past several weeks, I realized this is just more of me stepping into who I am. I can face - perhaps even embrace - having a new attitude even if it is an attitude rooted in an attitude I abandoned long ago.

For so long I pushed aside anything that reminded me of that girl because I thought she was the cause of every problem in my life. I thought if I could erase everything about her, everyone around me would have a better life. So I abandoned the good along with the bad.

Over the last several weeks, I've felt my attitude shift. It's a little hard to explain, but I'll do my best. I hadn't even realized my attitude had become so passive, so malleable, so scared... Then I started feeling more like I used to feel. I started feeling like I can do things again, like I can accomplish whatever I want, like I'm worth everything I ever wanted for myself. I started feeling confident and strong. I started feeling like no one can touch who I am at my core. I started feeling like if people can't see what I have to offer when I show them, they're not worth my time. I shrugged off the feelings, but I kind of liked them. I say feeling because I already knew these things I just didn't feel them.

Recently, while I was shopping, I tried on a couple of outfits and stared at myself in the mirror. I liked what I saw. I saw a strong, sexy, vibrant woman staring back at me. I was tempted to ask her who she was. I liked her. I remembered her. I recognized me in her and her in me.

My attitude is shifting to one of like me or leave me because this is what you get. My attitude is shiftng to one that says you will treat me like I deserve to be treated or you can exit stage left, or right. Who cares? Just go. My attitude is shifting to one that says I am worth the very best and I know it, so give me your best or go away. My attitude is shifting to one that says I'll reach out, but if you don't reciprocate, I'm done. My attitude is shifting to one that says if you want me in your life, prove to me you deserve to have me around. My attitude is shifting to one that says I will give all I've got, but only if you do the same. My attitude is shifting to one that says I'm not chasing you, but I'm not turning my back on you either. My attitude is shifting to one that says if you can't be here for me when I'm hurting and I need you, don't expect me to jump when you're ready to re-engage. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. It's my decision. My attitude is shifting to one that says only I get to define me, and if you don't like that definition, well, no one says you have to...

Yeah, those of you who knew me in college and haven't seen me in years, are saying "Huh? That's always been your attitude."

But the truth is I pushed that attitude down deep in an effort to be "perfect" or at least to fit other people's image of the "perfect" me. I became what I despised, someone willing to deny herself in order to keep peace. I gave up thinking I even had the right to what I wanted in life. I gave up thinking I could do this or that or the other just because someone else voiced a negative opinion about how I did something. Well, no more... My way may not be your way, but if it works it still counts. It it doesn't work, then I'll learn and move on. If I need your help, I'll ask. And when I say help - I mean help. Don't take over. I'm an intelligent, capable, attractive woman, and I'd advise you not to forget it.

Oh, and if I feel like crying, I'm going to cry. It's not a sign of weakness, and it's not a manipulation. They're tears, and they serve as a release of emotion. Get over it.

If I want to laugh, I'm going to laugh. I don't care if you get the joke or not. It isn't about you.

I've written a lot of poems about the struggle to grow into the person one is meant to be. My poems encompass losing one's self, pretending to be someone "better" by someone else's definition, the events in life that define who one is, and embracing one's true self. I've compiled a number of these poems into my upcoming book of poetry, Reflections in Silhouette, in hopes others will find them inspiring and encouraging while on the journey to grow into their true selves!

This is my life, and, guess what, you're a part of it because I choose for you to be. I can change my mind at any time. I don't say that to make you feel insecure. I only want to make sure you know that I know I am enough on my own; however, I am better when surrounded by people who love me, lift me up, inspire me, and cherish me and allow me to do the same for them.

So, that's the way it's going to be from this day forward.

Yeah, I like this attitude. It suits me...

So like Patti LaBelle sang in the 1980s, I've got a new attitude. Or maybe I've got a new old attitude... Either way, this is what I've got to offer. Like it or don't, it's your choice.

Cover for Love in Silhouette

2011-10-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

Love. We long for it. We feel the sting of love’s loss. We give love in hopes of receiving love. We withhold love out of fear it won’t be returned. Love connects us. Love disappoints us. Love distinguishes us. Love extinguishes us. Love connects us. Love abandons us. Love disappoints us. Love creates expectations. Love fulfills lives. Love is always a risk worth exploring even when it fails. Love is poetry… Poetry is love… Love becomes a silhouette.

Check back soon for the release date!

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week 8 - Use of Force & Jail Tour

2011-10-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

This week's Albany Citizens Police Academy started with Community Education Specialist Carmen Westfall started the class with a few reminders about upcoming classes. Then introduced Lieutenant Hyde.

Lieutenant Hyde explained the law surrounding use of force. He explained the effect that case law has on state statutes. Use of force is always determined by the situation but is governed by five rules:

Self Defense
Defense of Others
Effect an Arrest
Overcome Resistance
Prevent Escape

In determining the amount of force to use, the officer must interpret the suspect's intent as well whether the suspect has the means and the opportunity. All three elements must demonstrate all three elements in order to be an immediate threat. The level of force the officer uses must then be a level above the level of threat the suspect is using and must be reasonable for the situation. Reasonable is determined by what other officers would do in the same situation.

Officers must be mentally prepared to use deadly force, so they train for it extensively. Even with training, the use of force, especially deadly force, is never an easy decision to make.

Officer Hyde discussed using a taser. He explained how a taser works and passed around a cartridge. He spent a significant amount of time explaining how the taser affects the body. The taser incapicitates rather than creating a pain reaction. He finished by shooting the taser into a piece of cardboard to demonstrate how it worked. Then he tore out the wires and passed them around, so we could feel and see them up close. Following that he removed the batter and cartridge from the taser and passed it around, so the class would see it, feel the weight, and hold it. I pulled the trigger. What could it hurt? It was completely disarmed. Felt like a toy gun.

Several items used in force of use training were in the front of the room throughout the presentation. After the presentation and before we went to the Sheriff's Office/Jail, we had an opportunity to look at and handle the items used for training officers in proper use of force.

Officer Hyde provided insight into the thought process of officers in determining how and when to use force was quite informative and interesting. This is information I can definitely use in writing crime fiction!

The jail tour was led by Deputy Hedrick. We saw the video room where prisoners do televised court. We saw the rooms where prisioners are monitored. Deputy Hedrick took us to the Intake area and explained the process in detail. After that he showed us the jail's dentist office, the medical office, and the visitors' area. After that we saw the cell blocks where the inmates live including the towers where the jail is monitored.

Deputy Hedrick answered every question the class asked and provided details and examples to clarify the role of the jail in the juvenile justice system.

The Linn County Jail is much larger than I expected but otherwise it wasn't all that different from the jail I toured several years ago when I was in college.

The chemical odors from the cleaning supplies gave me a headache reminding me why I gave up chemical cleaning products and started making my own several years ago.

I actually considered skipping the jail tour, but I'm glad I didn't. The information Deputy Hedrick shared and being immersed in the environment might prove useful in a future writing project.

Many of the classes haven't really provided direct information that I find useful for my foreseeable writing projects, but both portions of this week's class did. I'm always pleased when I learn something useful for my writing! In case you're wondering there are two more classes and then graduation, so there will are three more scheduled blog posts about the Albany Citizen's Police Adademy.

Albany Police Academy -Week 7 - Class Two - Evidence, Records, Dispatch, & Firearms Training

2011-10-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

Saturday's Albany Police Academy class started with a tour of the evidence room lead by Property & Evidence Specialist Debbie Buchert. She explained the different evidence storage techniques and apparatuses including paper bags, plastic bags, and boxes. Plastic bags are never used for anything wet that could mold. Boxes are often used for handguns and other weapons that fit in them boxes. Some weapons are too big for a box or a bag. She talked about the process for logging evidence and how it's improved with the use of a computerized system. She explained the process for disposing of property from the evidence room. Evidence that isn't returned to the owner can be sold with the proceeds going to the department (see propertyroom.com) or destroyed by fire once it is no longer needed and the designated time period it must be kept has passed. Some evidence must be kept for many years.

One discussion that seemed particularly disturbing to me was regarding anonymous rape kits which in the state of Oregon must be kept for twenty-five years. I didn't find this nearly as unreasonable as some other members of class did. I understand that the kits take up space and that there is no case without a complaintant, but I also understand how devastating it can be for a rape victim to come forward, to put herself to be in the position to be judged by something that wasn't her fault, to be forever placed in a role publicly she can never change. To me it makes sense that a woman might feel more likely to come forward after learning she wasn't the only victim of the person that raped her. This might seem unlikely to happen, but it's not impossible. With the kit in evidence, at least there's something. Okay, twenty-five years might be a tad excessive, but I understand the idea behind it...

Once Buchert finished explaining the way evidence is handled, processed, and destroyed, she turned us over to Mike Peaslee, who explained how the records are handled and accessed by police officers and others. We then visited dispatch to hear a little about what happens when a call comes in and to watch dispatch at work. Then Peaslee explained the role of those who work the reception area and showed us the records area and explained the process of storing, keeping,and digitizing records and how they are handled.

Finally, we made it to the highlight of the day - Firearms Training - lead by Officer Dezi Meza. Okay, it was simulated shooting, but we used the actual training videos the police officers use to train. Each class member took a couple of turns. After each students' turn, Officer Meza would point out what the student did right and what the student missed. All was handled with a fun attitude keeping the excercise enjoyable.

When my turn came up, I took the "gun" in my hand and realized not for the first time that I'd never shot a gun. I grew up around guns. My Daddy, my Grandpa, and my Uncles hunted. I grew up on a farm. Guns were always around. Daddy had a gun cabinet full of them. Yet, Daddy never let me shoot one. I probably never showed any interest. I really don't remember. The point is as I settled my hands around the gun, I was surprised how natural it felt. Okay, I'd held guns before, but never with the idea of shooting.

Officer Meza told me I was going to face a mentally ill person. As soon as the woman in the video stepped out of the house holding the gun, I had a flashback to a time when I really looked down the barrell of a gun pointed at me while the person threatened to shoot me. I blinked away the image but realized I'd missed the woman's actions. In a real life situation, that likely would've cost me my life. Anyway, Officer Meza stopped the video and asked me what I noticed. I snapped out of my reverie and answered that I noticed she had a gun in her hand but that she hadn't pointed it at me. Still, I realized I should've pointed my weapon at her, so I did as soon as the video restarted. I told her numerous times to put down her weapon and to calm down. Then a point came when she started to move the weapon up so it wasn't pointing at the ground anymore. I shot her in the stomach and took her down with one shot. I couldn't believe it and from the surprise in the instructor's voice neither could he.

He asked me why I chose to shoot when I did, so I explained my reasoning. He said that many officers wouldn't have waited that long and that I'd instructed her to put the gun gun more than enough times to know she wasn't going to. Still, I didn't regret waiting until I saw her start to raise the gun, and he didn't say I was necessarily wrong...

Somehow this simulated situation made me realize how recklessly I'd acted all those years ago when I faced a real gun and talked the person holding it and screaming at me out of shooting me. It would've only taken a moment, a simple squeeze of the trigger she had her finger on to end my life. At the time, I hadn't even been frightened. I'd been so sure I could convince her not to shoot me that it hadn't even occurred to me to be afraid. Geez, I keep asking myself what I was thinking that day...

He started my second video, a suspicious vehicle under a bridge. As I watched the video which simulated approaching the suspicious vehicle in a car, getting out of the car, and approaching the vehicle, it reminded me of Boise. Funny the things that pop in your head when you're waiting for the action. Two girls walked around the suspicious vehicle. I quickly glanced at them and decided they were up to something but were a distraction and not an immediate threat. I'm not sure why. I kept my focus on the car. As soon as one of the girls said something like "Now" toward the car, I focused my gun on the car's door. A guy stepped out. I pulled the trigger as soon as I saw him and the weapon in his hand. I wasn't even sure what weapon he held, but it's glint and the position in his hand made it clear it was a threat. I hit his knee, so it definitely wasn't a kill shot. I was ready to shoot again, but the video ended.

Oh, well, I was just happy I hit my target at all!

The rest of the class took their turns. When everyone had had a turn and the instructor asked if anyone wanted to go again. I was tempted to say yes, but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't. Oh, well!

One of the other students asked Officer Meza to demonstrate how it should be done. He did, and it was rivoting. He did a video from earlier in the class, and the way he handled it seemed so much more reasonable than what any of us had done. He talked to the people, gave warnings, and seemed perfectly confident. It made sense because he has training in diffusing situations, and those of us in the class really didn't. I'd had a little training many, many years ago when I worked in a group home, but I remember very little of it.

I went into today's class expecting to learn how a police officer feels when facing a situation that demands s/he decide whether or not to use his/her weapon. Instead, I learned something about myself. I actually thought I'd freeze even though I knew it was a simulation. I didn't freeze. I learned that I can and will protect myself if I have to, but that I could never take a human life without being absolutely sure it was the only option. It's why I gave the woman who wasn't pointing a weapon at me but only at the ground a chance and why I shot as soon as I saw the flash of weapon from the man exiting the suspicious vehicle.

Oh, and I also realized, I might actually be able to handle a gun with a fair degree of accuracy if I had to or at least with a little training...

I just keep learning that I can actually do things I never thought I could do for one reason or another.

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week 7 - DUII & DRE

2011-10-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Community Education Specialist Carmen Westfall passed out our Albany Citizens Police Academy t-shirts as we arrived! She gave us a quick update about to expect in the next few classes.
Next OfficerRobert Hayes took over to talk about Driving Under the Influence and being a Drug Recognition Expert.

Officer Hayes began by clarifying the answer to a question from when he taught the traffic class two weeks earlier. Apparently when any part of a person or any extension of a person (i.e. a walker, dog, weekchair) steps from curb to crosswalk with intent to move forward that person is considered crossing the street and people in a vehicle must wait for them to cross. As someone pointed out, intent can still be subjective.

Moving on to discuss DUII, Officer Hayes discussed statistics, penalties, and other reasons to demonstrate the dangers of drinking and driving. Officers work to keep drunk drivers off the streets for safety.

Officer Hayes demonstrated the "walk and turn" test and the "standing on one leg" test for the class as well as explaining that the reason officers ask multiple questions when pulling over a suspected drunk driver is that the driver's ability to multi-task and converse can be affected by alcohol. The eyes of people who have overconsumed alcohol or used drugs show a distinctive involuntary jerking motion called nystagmus that can't be concealed.

He then chose a class member to put on the Fatal Vision goggles and attempt the walk and turn test to demonstrate how alcohol affects one's ability to take the test. Anoher class member put on the goggles and demonstrated standing on one leg test.

During the break, he put the goggles in the back of the room, so the class could try them on and see how alcohol effects the body. I tried them on and tried both tests. The .06 BAC goggles I could still do both tests. The .08 BAC goggles not even close. They even made me feel a little nauseated. Some people had a really strong effect to putting them on and described seeing their legs to the side of them. I didn't have that sensation exactly, but I did recognize the off-balance feeling from the times I've over-imbibed. I found it strange to things through drunk eyes while sober.

Officer Hayes discussed the training for Drug Recognition Experts and the importance they serve. Drug Recognition Experts are trained to see and understand the effects of myriad drugs on the body. The body has a homeostatis line that it strives to maintain. As the body adjusts to the effects drugs inflict on the body to find its homeostasis line, physical and behavioral changes take place providing both the euphoria people seek and the clues to the drug that was used. Over time the body adjusts the homeostatis line meaning that it requires more of the drug to get the same effect but the blood saturation amount stays the same.

The Drug Recognition Expert uses 12 components to determine if someone is under the influence and what they are under the influence of.

They are:
1) Blood Alcohol Content Test
2) Interview the Arresting Officer
3) Preliminary Exam
4) Eye Exam
5) Divided Attention Psyhcophysical Test
6) Vital Signs
7) Dark Room Examinations
8) Muscle Tone
9) Injection Sites
10) Suspect Statements and Other Observations
11) Opinions of the Evaluator
12) Toxicology

All twelve steps only take about 45 minutes to the Drug Recognition Expert to complete.

Officer Hayes presentation kept the class engaged and interested. He answered questions, told stories to illustrate his point, and conversed with class easily.

Friends, Enemies, Breasts

2011-10-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

As I see all the attention given to Breast Cancer Awareness because it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I find myself squirming in my seat. I didn't understand my reaction at first. I really didn't. I'm all for encouraging women to take control of their health and to take better care of themselves.

Then it dawned on me... I keep wanting to scream "Can we please, please, please have Breast Health Awareness Month?"

It's not that I don't understand the need to raise awareness about breast cancer and the devastation it can cause. I've seen it. I've had family members suffer from breast cancer. I've had scares of my own. I understand that early detection saves lives and that self-exams are important. It's not that I'm against any of that.

Let me reiterate, I am for self-exams and early detection. I am for finding a cure for breast cancer. Above all, I am for women having healthy breasts

But, here's the thing, too many women aren't taught to love their breasts, to cherish them, to revel in their uniqueness, their beauty. Instead we're taught to see them almost as enemies. We're taught to alternately flaunt them and hide them. We're taught to avoid showing cleavage because showing cleavage makes us look cheap or slutty or whatever. What we're never taught is the true beauty of cleavage when shown just right. We're taught that they're never perfect enough regardless of size: - large, small, or medium. We're taught to see our breasts as feeding apparatuses for babies, pleasure sources for men, or items for competition amoung ourselves.

Many of us are taught not to mention them because they're part of our private parts except they're not really very private. We're taught not to talk about them because that's equivalent to talking about sex. That is unless they're feeding apparatuses for babies, then not talking about them is discrimination - unless we talk about them inappropriately. We whisper the word breasts when we talk about their health. Most of the time we avoid discussing breast cancer - well, that is unless it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And, again, we whisper the words when we do discuss it. And we avoid discussing self-exams or the best ways to keep our breasts healthy even with our closest friends and spouses. Think about it for a minute. We've created a convaluted matrix around our breasts where there really is no need.

It took two cancer scares for me to learn to appreciate my breasts - to, dare I say it, love them. I'm not going into the details of my scares here because it isn't germain to my point. I will only say I'm lucky because both my scares turned out to be nothing but scares. I hesitate to call them cancer scares though the abnormalities detected certainly raised that fear in me between being told of the detection and having the diagnostic mammogram come back normal.

I've actually come to be grateful for those scares because they got my attention. They made me do some research. They made me think. They made me realize the importance of my breasts to me. They made me want to be healthier overall and design my life to live as healthy as I possibly can.

I finally learned to see and touch my breasts with love instead of annoyance or fear. I stopped caring if someone criticized me for showing a bit of cleavage or because my nipples showed through my blouse on a cold day. I even started buying bras to show off their best assets and give them comfortable and proper support. I finally stopped giving a damn if someone else didn't like their size or shape or whatever.

I finally took the time to really get to know my breasts. I became intimate with them. Now I know every nook and cranny of both my breasts. I don't just examine them once a month but often enough to know that most of the time, they feel and look exactly the same. Once in a while, they change slightly. Then return to normal. Hormones will do that. Those minor changes no longer scare me.

I've learned that whenever I feel soreness, it is likely the result of one of three things or a combination of them: poor dietary choices, an ill-fitting bra, or exercising without proper support. A return to a healthy diet corrects the first one easily. The ill-fitting bra gets immediately adjusted for a better fit or removed from rotation if the adjustment doesn't work. A more supportive exercise top/bra for my yoga routines corrects the support issue. I've learned to listen to my breasts the same way I listen to the rest of my body.

During my last scare, I wrote a poem, Friends, Enemies, Breasts, about my lifelong struggle to love and accept my breasts.When I wrote it, I swore I'd never let anyone read it. It was therapuetic, but as I came to terms with loving and accepting my breasts, I decided sharing it might do some good. You can read it in my upcoming poetry collection, Reflections in Silhouette.

When I realized how much better I feel about my breasts since I gave myself permission to become intimate with them and cherish them, I wanted to share the idea with other women. I searched for something from a medical professional to back up my theory. I found two articles I want to share with you. They are both on Dr. Christiane Northrup's website. Please, go read them. Maybe they'll change the way you care for your breasts. One is called Transforming the Breast Self-Exam and the other is Wonderful Self-Care for Breasts.

I love that Dr. Northrup's approach aligns with what I discovered on my own after my last scare. So, ladies, next time you do your self-exam, perhaps you can concentrate on simply knowing and appreciating your breasts. It might even make you more likely to perform your exams more consistently because you'll no longer be going into it fearing what you'll discover. It works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.

This year I'm actually looking forward to my professional exam. I won't be holding my breath fearing my doctor is going to detect something I missed because I didn't know my own breasts well enough to recognize a change. I'm even looking forward to my mammogram. It's all part of loving and cherishing not only my breasts but my body. I would even go so far as to say it's part of loving and cherishing my life - my self.

I Have No Right - Available for Your Reading Pleasure

2011-10-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

I posted a new poem, I Have No Right, today. Please check it out! Also, look for it and poems like it in my upcoming poetry collection, Love in Silhouette (release date to be announced).

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week 6 - Commmunity Resource Unit

2011-10-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

This week the Albany Citizens Police Academy focused on the Community Resource Unit which includes Community Service Officers, Community Education Specialists, School Resources Officers, and Traffic Officers as well as the Bike Patrol Unit.

Jim Dohr explained the role of the Community Service Officer in the Albany Police Department. Community Service Officers work within the community addressing complaints that don't require a patrol officer's presence. They handle junk and trash complaints, abandoned vehicles, recreational vehicle storage/use, the radar trailer, found property, animal welfare/control, and traffic control such as at accident scenes. A large portion of their work seems to be directed toward investing animal neglect/abuse cases. Dohr's pride in helping animals find a better life was quite apparent as he talked. The pictures he showed us and the stories he told us of what people can do to their animals broke my heart. I struggled not to cry a couple of times.

As Dohr talked about the Shop with a Cop program, his face lit up. The program to pairs underprivileged children with police officers to go shopping in December with a set amount of money. Most of the children want to use the money to buy presents for someone else.

One thing is certain, the Community Service Officers in the Albany Police Department keep busy!
Community Education Specialist Carmen Westfall explained the role of the Community Education Specialist. She and the other Community Education Specialist focus on organizing events to education the community not only about what the department does but about the things citizens can do to be safer in their neighborhoods and homes.
The Albany Police Department had several education programs. The Child Safety Education Program puts officers in the elementary schools to teach students about safety and the role of the police officer. They arrange Public Safety Presentations for groups and organizations as well as Police Department Tours.

Other programs include S.A.L.T - Seniors and Law Enforcement Together, S.A.S.S.I. - Safe and Secure Seniors Independent. Both programs are designed to address the concerns and needs of Senior Citizens. S.A.S.S.I. includes free home security inspections, education and resource referral.

Bicycle Safety Rodeo Program teaches children how to ride their bikes safely and provides helmets for children who need them. Safety Camp is a fun and interactive way for children to learn about safety and the role of law enforcement.

The Drug Take Back Program began with a single day that collected so many presription drugs that were either no longer needed or expired that the department figured out a way to make it permanent. An old mailbox was converted to a drop box that now sets in the lobby of the Albany Police Department for citizens to take their expired and no longer needed prescriptions and Over-the-Counter medications to drop off for proper disposal.

They also work with Neighborhood Watch Groups and Citizen Patrol groups including training of the groups. Citizen Patrol is trained to observe, record, and report not to take any action.

Patrol Observation and the Citizens Police Academy are both organized by the Community Education Specialists.

The Community Education Specialists work actively to keep the community educated and involved to help prevent crime and promote better relations between the department and the community. One such program being designed right now is the Incident Aftercare Program (I.A.P.) to address citizen concerns after a major incident in a neighborhood.

The School Resource Officers (SROs) spend their days in the schools building a relationship between the officers and the students and educators. SROs investigate crimes that take place in the schools or on school grounds, serve as protectors of the schools, call for lockdowns of schools when necessary, provide student threat assessments, educate students and educators, and serve as a counselor. Their presence in schools has resulted in a decline in crime rates among juveniles. SROs serve a vital role in the community with their work in the schools.

Bicycle Patrol allows officers to interact more easily with the community as the officers are out in the open and are more approachable. Bicycle Patrol Officers are required to take thirty hours of specialized training in tactical use training of the bicycle. they learn to use the bicycle as a weapon, for crowd control, and mounting/dismounting effectively to not allow the bicycle to interfere with their job as well as ridingf both slow and fast, jumping curbs, negotiating stairs, transitioning from riding to running, and spinning. Bicycle Patrol provides an effective tool for criminal and traffic enforcement because the bicycle can go places cars can't and moves faster than someone on foot. It is also inexpensive and provides a workout for the officer. The bicycle does present challenges including custody and transport, only limited necessary equipment can be carried on the bike, bike doesn't provide cover like a car does, and timely arrival on calls can be impeded due to distances needed to ride. Bicycle Patrol serves a vital role in policing by having a presence in the community, investigating crimes, and promoting good citizen relations.

The Community Resource Department works to promote good community relations, teach crime prevention and safety techniques, and investigate crimes that fall under their purview.

The Itch

2011-10-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

I feel that itch again... The one that torments me... The one that divorces me from life... The one that swallows me whole and refuses to spit me out until I satisfy it... The one that makes me myriad promises of possibility...

Yes, that's right... I feel a new writing project starting to form in my mind. The problem? I still have projects in the works that need my attention right now. Projects I don't want to abandon. Projects that are important to me. So I asked my muse to wait patiently with the new idea. Now she's pouting in the recesses of my mind. I explained to her reasonably and rationally that I need to publish the books of poetry, edit my short stories into a book or possibly two, finish writing two short stories, finish the novel I'm writing, edit a manuscript yet again, and work on a nonfiction book that I'm planning. I promised if she helped me with those, then I would give her full reign to take me on a new adventure. And, yet she hides first in one recess of my mind and then another. I gave a little treat Wednesday and jotted down the rough draft of a couple new poems while I waited at the dentist's office. She became giddy but retreated back into her pout as soon as she realized I was still focused on my already-in-progress projects.

My muse just wants to play with the exciting new ideas and leave behind the ones she feels she's given enough energy. She likes exploring new things. I understand where she's coming from as this week has been filled with a lot of tedious tasks that require little new writing but are important nonetheless.

I remember recently saying fighting my muse was useless, so instead of fighitng her I'm trying to redirect her energy to help me finish the projects already in the works. I coerce by telling her that people want to read the poetry I've written but can't until I get the books published. She rolls her eyes and says "Just fnish it already." I try to explain to her that there's a process, that I have to do things right. Again, she just rolls her eyes and tells me to get on with the new stuff.

I've relented a little and told her she can daydream a little now and then preparing for the new project as long as she lets me work on the already-in-progress projects. I think we've come to an understanding. I've convinced myself that once Love in Silhouette is finished and reaching its audience, she'll see why it's important to let me finish my already-in-progress projects before we start another new one...

But then again, I feel that itch...

Albany Citizen's Police Academy - Week 5 - Search and Seizure and Traffic

2011-10-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

This week's class was taught by Officer Robert Hayes. He taught both portions of the class. Hayes explained the rules that determine constitute a legal search. Probable cause is 51% more likely than not that the person committed an act. Reasonable suspicion is less than probable cause. An encounter is when an officer stops a citizen to make an inquiry without indicating the citizen isn't free to leave at any time. A stop is when the officer makes it clear the citizen is not free to leave. Officer Hayes explained that an officer must be able to articulate proof for any search or stop; however, an encounter doesn't require a report. If an officer can't articulate a reason for turning an encounter into a stop, the stop won't hold up in court. Hayes discussed the different types of legal searches including consent, warrants, and probable cause. An officer often searches an individual during a stop to insure the officers safety. A frisk is to look for weapons that could put the officer in harm.

Officer Hayes also discussed traffic laws in Oregon. He discussed the dangers of speeding and not obeying traffic devices. He explained how some of the traffic laws can be interpreted quite differently creating situations where the courts will dismiss cases based on the confusion.

At the end of the class, Officer Hayes took us out and let us use the lidar (laser radar) to see how it worked. That was cool. The car I set the lidar on was going 23mph in downtown Albany where I'm fairly certain the speed limit is 20mph. He also stepped out into the street to stop a passing car to tell them to turn on their headlights!

I went to this class expecting it to be dry and boring, but Officer Hayes is a good presenter. Anyone who can make traffic law interesting has to be a good speaker!!

Okay, it wasn't a K-9 demonstration or EVOC ride-a-longs, but it was still interesting!

Albany Citizen's Police Academy - Week 4 (Class 2) - Dogs and Driving

2011-10-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

We began class Saturday with a tour of the Albany Police Department. We divided into two groups. I was in Community Education Specialist Westfall's group. She walked us through the halls where we saw a case of old equipments and badges, photos of former Albany Police Officers, several closed doors, the dispatch office where we met the dispatchers and heard a little about what they do. We also saw the report writing area and a wall filled with blankets and stuffed animals the officers carry in the car to sooth children at crime scenes. The tour also included a look outside at the storage shed where patrol bicycles are stored and a look across to the building where the detectives are housed.

Sergeant Drum showed us the interior of a police car. He explained that the back seats are hard plastic because arrestees have a tendency to opt to leave body fluids and waste back there. There's also a drain in the bottom, so the back seats can be hosed out. It's always amazing the depths to which people are willing to sink for vengence.

Everyone was antsy to get on with the K-9 presentation... Okay, maybe everyone wasn't, but I sure was.

K-9 Officers Ard and Kloss began with a classroom discussion about the history of police dogs. The use of police dogs grew out of the usefulness dogs showed in working with the military. Police departments began adapting those dogs talents to the needs of police departments. Police dogs, at least the ones in this area, come from Europe. The toy drive, aka the prey drive, is important in search dogs as it is the motivator for training. The dogs are expensive, but in the end save departments money. The purchase price can go as high as $10,000. Then training can cost several thosands of dollars. The dogs live with their handlers, but the department pays for their food, lodging, medical care, etc.

Officers Ard and Kloss are obviously very connected to their dogs, Joeri and Ruleon. They talked about how they assess situations and won't let the dogs go into situations that are too dangerous for the dog. Both expressed dislike of the bullet proof vests for dogs describing them as hot and likely to create problems such as getting snagged or getting in the dog's way. They passed around the vest. I was surprised at how heavy it was.

Both officers expressed appreciation for the dogs abilities to smell better, hear better, and find targets that otherwise would go unfound. Officer Ard also told a couple of stories to demonstrate how sometimes listening to search dogs is better than listening to human beings when trying to find someone. The dog doesn't get bogged down by what he assumes like humans tend to do. The dog reacts to what he smells, hears, sees.

Watching the dogs in action was really cool and interesting. As soon as they saw the training suits the officers wear, they expressed a desire to work yet both dogs listened for instructions from the handler before taking action. The dogs stood hunched down with hips wiggling ready to to as soon as the instruction was given. The officers demonstrated sending the dog after someone in a car and to find someone hidden in the bushes. The demonstrations were quick and efficient, but I wanted to see more. The dogs' pleasure at capturing the "bad guy" was reward enough at this point in their careers.

Immediately after working, both dogs were brought to socialize with the class. We petted them while discussing them and their work more. The dogs enjoy feeling useful and being worked.

I really loved watching the dogs in action and getting to pet them afterwards.

Officers Kloss and Ard handled the demonstration with ease, efficiency, and joy. They really seem to love their role as K-9 Officers!

After a thirty minute break for lunch, we gathered for an hour class on Emergency Vehicle Operation (EVO) before heading out to the Corvallis Municipal Airport. Sergeant Drum imparted a plethoria of wisdom about driving, crashes, and the operation of vehicles under myriad circumstances including night driving, going into slides, etc. The class progressed to talk about police pursuit techniques including the Pursuit Intervention Technique (PIT). Pursuit Intervention Technique orginated from auto racing when it was noted that racers would take out other cars to gain advantage by hit them lightly on the rear bumper sending them into a spin.

The presentation Sergeant Drum usually includes toy cars to demonstrate the slides, but he couldn't find the cars. Bummer!

Oh, well, I think most of us were more interested in getting to the abandoned airstrip at the Corvallis Municipal Airport and experiencing EVOC for ourselves!! Or maybe I just speak for myself.

They encouraged us to carpool with the officers headed to the Corvallis Municipal Airport. At first I planned to drive, so I could leave if I got bored. Now that it's over the very idea that I thought I might get bored makes me chuckle. I hopped in an unmarked car with Officer Robert Hayes and fellow student, Courtenay. The ride over was interesting. It was the first time I'd ever been in the back of a police car. The unmarked car has normal seats that are covered in plastic, so it wasn't the hard seats from the regular patrol cars.

It started raining on the drive over.

When we arrived at abandoned airstrip at the Corvallis Municipal Airport, Officer Hayes sped down the runway as did the other officers arriving. He took us through a series of tight turns and emergency lane changes. It was exhilarating!!

The officers set up a series of cones to create other driving conditions. The class took turns riding in the cars. Three to four students rode in each car in both the front and back seats while an officer drove. The officers drove a course using evasive maneuvers and pursuit maneuvers staying within the cones. They also sent the car into skids and slides demonstrating how to drive through them. Some of us took several turns in different cars. Riding in the front seat gave a completely different feel than riding in the front seat. When in the front seat, I could see where we were going and what the officer was doing. It was easier to know what was coming and in a sense to feel like I could prepare for it. It afforded a sense of control over an situation where there was no real control available for me. When I rode in the back seat of the patrol cars with the hard plastic seats, I was jostled around quite a bit. I ended up with a couple of bruises, but it was well worth it!

We moved into the two white cars outfitted with special bumpers to train officers to perform the Pursuit Intervention Technique (PIT). Again we took turns riding in the cars - 3-4 students at a time with an officer. The officers performed the PIT maneuever multiple times. Sergeant Drum talked to us as we began our ride in the PIT training cars. He explained that we were the bad guys being pursued. As he kept our attention on him, the first bumper hit came as a surprise just as I'm sure it would be for someone being pursued. After that, the hits were less of a surprise. The hits sent us into spins and turned us around until we were going backwards. The hits didn't always work as Seargeant Drum maneuvered the car. After we were the bad guys, we'd turn and then be the good guys initiating the PIT against the other car sending them into spin or turning them around. After the first or maybe the second hit, I blurted "I don't think I'm supposed to like this this much!" or something to that effect.

I can't believe I thought even for a minute that it might get boring. Okay, there was one downside; standing in a huddle under the temporary cover provided for us as the rain poured down between rides. I hate being cold and am not especially fond of being wet and cold, but it was worth it.

Overall, the EVOC was like riding a roller coaster. I laughed just like I do on roller coasters. I loved this portion of the class! Who knew I could enjoy speed and handing over control of... well anything that much!! I'd take this portion of the class again and again and again...

Albany Citizen's Police Academy - Week 4 - Crime Analyst & Deputy Medical Examiner

2011-09-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Last night was my fourth class in the Albany Citizen's Police Academy. Community Education Specialist Westfall started by talking to us about our upcoming class on Saturday and encouraging us all to show up for the day.

After she spoke to us a few minutes, Crime Analyst Patrick Hurley spoke to us about analyzing crime. He also does intelligence analysis and phone forensics.

Basically as I understand it, he looks at patterns and trends for crime around the city to help the chief determine how resources can best be allocated to impact criminal activity. His job is to show correlations not to draw cause and effect relationships. Still he works with raw data and often that's not the best indicator for allocating resources.

He showed us a video representation of an actual 24 hour time period at the Albany Police Department that showed the calls and cases. The day he chose had 226 calls resultingin 100 cases with thirteen citations and thirteen arrests. It seemed like a lot for our small town.

He talked quite a bit about drug use and the growing abuse of prescription drugs.

Albany Police Department provides the Albany Drug Drop Box in the lobby of the police station. This is the place to take expired prescrictions, expired Over-the-Counter drugs, and prescriptions one just no longer needs to dispose of them properly. One isn't required to leave identifying information on the bottles even though no one looks at them. If you live in the area and didn't know about this service, now you do. It has been quite effective for people wishing to dispose of old medications properly.

Hurley is also responsible for putting together photo lineups for suspects to view as well as creating charts and matrixes to show links between people, places, and actitivites to aid police in building a case against a suspect.

In phone forensics, he goes through phones to pull data, pictures, and other information to help police officers investigate and draw links between people. At this point, he provided a warning against sexting and the the possible dangers. For one thing, angry people once trusted may use what they have to hurt the other party. For another, even if deleted often these things can be recovered using the right equipment.

People taking pictures of themselves at crime scenes or committing crimes help the police to win convictions. One example he showed was of a guy who photographed himself holding a stolen gun. The police department was able to recover the gun's serial number and use it to arrest the guy who then confessed even though the gun itself wasn't recovered.

Hurley also provided the Albany Police Department's 2010 Annual Crime Report and discussed it as compared to the national crime report provided by the FBI, the Uniform Crime Report (UCR).

Sergeant Stephanie Warren and Sergeant Dan Jones spoke about serving as Deputy Medical Examiners (DME). Deputy Medical Examiners are called out to any unattended or suspcious death to determine whether or not a death is suspcious. Suspicious deaths are turned over to detectives to investigate. The DME fills out a checklist gathering as much information about the person as possible to assist in determining the cause of death. They also fill out another form of all medications the person was on and seize those medications. The DME facilitates arrangements with funeral homes and helps the bereaved through the initial stages of dealing with the details of handling a death. DMEs also make death notifications to locals and contact law enforcement in other areas to arrange for notifications. Sergeant Warren sounded a little like a grief counselor as she described helping people in those initial moments after a loved one dies.

They showed a slide show depicting several types of death including natural deaths, accidents, suicides, and homicides. The pictures also showed various types of decomposition and a variety of wounds inflicted on bodies. They briefly explained each picture and what the various images depicted including a knife wound and a wound that resembled a knife wound but was actually from a chest tube inserted at a hospital. Several pictures of bullet wounds displayed the differences in stipling caused based on the distance from which the shooting occurred.

They also provided a handout called "After-Death Checklist for Survivors" for the class. They explained this approximately two-and-a-half page list will leave survivors all the information needed to help facilitate the deceased wishes and to get through an already tough time. The idea is to make things easier for one's loved ones. It will also help and DMEs who are assisting the survivor through the process.

One other thing they provided was a little form called Personal Medication Information which they suggested everyone fill out and leave on the refrigerator or other obvious place for paramedics to give proper medical care or to assist DMEs who are investigating one's death. While, in theory, I like the idea, I'm not too keen on putting the information in such a public place for any visitor to my home to read. I like my privacy...

As a writer, I wish Crime Analyst Patrick Hurley had spent more time talking about his role in helping solve major crimes like homicides and the racketeering case he mentioned. I also wish Sergeants Warren and Jones had spent more time discussing suspcious deaths instead of focusing so much on nonsuspicious deaths. However, I understand they aren't there to help us writers write better crime fiction but to help the citizen's better understand the role of their police department in the city.

Poem, Redefining Common Ground, Now Available

2011-09-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

You can now read my poem, Redefining Common Ground!

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Week Three - DA's Office and Probation and Parole

2011-09-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the third week of the Albany Citizens Police Academy. We learned about the role of the District Attorney during the first half of class. The second half focused on probation and parole.
Deputy DA Douglas Marteeny spoke to us about the role of the District Attorney's office in the criminal justice system. In Linn County, prosecutors prosecute everything rather than be divided into departments based on crimes.
He spent a considerable amount of time discussing the role the public plays in preventing and fighting crime. The public often makes law enforcement aware a crime has been committed and act as witnesses during the prosecution of the crime.
He emphasized that the best defense against criminal behavior is for children to be raised in good homes whethere they're encouraged to be law abiding citizens. He gave several examples of fathers and sons who both end up as criminals.
He talked about how cop shows get so much wrong. DAs do not investigate and rarely visit crime scenes though they may arrive on scene for some major crimes. Generally, the case load is too large for crime scene visits and they trust the police to do their jobs.
The DA reviews the evidence and police reports and determines whether or not to prosecute. The police's bar is probable cause - more likely than not the person committed the crime. The DA's standard is "beyond a reasonable doubt" that there person committed the crime. In some instances, the DA chooses simply to not prosecute if the burden isn't met. In other cases, he'll send it back to law enforcement officers to gather more evidence.
People can get arrests and some crimes expunged from their records by filling out a form, paying a fee, and having the case reviewed.
He explained that when criminals know there are empty jail beds, they are less likely to commit crimes. The potential for punishment is a detterent.
Linn County requires domestic violence cases go to trial within 45 days. This helps to get the family back on track and minimizes the opportunity for witness tampering.
After Measure 11, setting mandatory sentences for a host of crimes, was enacted in 1995, violent crime dropped significantly.
Deputy DA Marteeny answered questions and shared anecdotes with the class. Some were heartbreaking. Some were touching. Some were suprising. All illustrated his points well.
Mindy Sprague and natalie Michael discussed their work in parole and probation. They make sure the offender is compliant with the conditions of his/her release. There are standard conditions and specific conditions in each case.
Being a probation/parole officer requires attending the Police Academy where they receive defensive training and firearms training while learning the rules and laws that govern their work.
Probation/Parole Officers carry tasers, OC spray, gun, handcuffs, a badge, and a radio. They wear bulletproof vests and are required to keep their training up-to-date including computer training, firearms training, and CPR certification.
Mindy and Natalie talked about their jobs and shared a few stories. They passed around a bulletproof vest so we could examine it more closely. They also passed around materials used in collecting samples for drug tests.

Forbidden Now Available for Your Reading Pleasure

2011-09-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

Please check out my poem, Forbidden! Enjoy!

Creativity Lives in Energy

2011-09-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of 2010, I've written eighty-seven, give or take one or two, poems that I've kept. I've written a few others that I tossed, revised some old poems, and finished a stack of unfinished ones. But, eighty-seven is more than I'd written in the previous ten years combined, possibly longer. For a while I was making my own cards and there's some card verse that I never moved into my poetry files, so I'm not including those. Perhaps I will eventually take the time to dig through all those cards and use what I left behind, but it's unlikely.

As I sorted through my poems recently for my upcoming books of poetry, I began to really notice the years when I wrote more poetry and the years I didn't. I began to analyze the trends. Big surprise, huh? A few possibilities came to mind. I hadn't felt inspired. Life had been too good. Life had been too bad. The card verse I was writing detracted from my poetry writing. My focus was elsewhere. I'd felt too numb to write poetry.

I even considered the possibility that my poetic energy had been drained. See, I believe that we are surrounded by energy. We share that energy. We feed off that energy. We can steal it from others. We can give it to others. We can mutually share it. Some people kill all the positive energy in their vicinity. Other people consume all the positive energy in their vicinity. Some people exude positive energy. Some people exude negative energy. Some people absorb all the energy, positive and negative, around them. Some people leave us feeling so devoid of energy, it would be painful if it wasn't so incredibly numbing. Some people share their energy in a way that benefits all parties involved, giving and taking positive and negative, ebbing with the flow, and supporting each other as the changes in energy come along...

When we're tired, emotionally, physically, and/or mentally, creativity is slow to come. It acts a little like a drunk slurring words, staggering along, trying to pretend like it's whole, stronger than it is, and has all its faculties intact. But, the truth is exhaustion stunts creativity. Think about the last time you tried to write after an extremely stressful day. A day where everything that could go wrong did. Now compare to that to a day when you woke up refreshed and energetic and sat down immediately to write. I'll bet on the extremely stressful day, you struggled to find the words, you weren't happy with them when you did, and you ended up feeling frustrated with your results. Whereas, I'd bet on the refreshed and energetic day, you felt almost as if something outside yourself guided your hand(s), thoughts flowed from your brain to your fingertips with ease, and you were positively bouncing with joy as you finished your writing for the day. Maybe you didn't even want to quit when it was time.

I'm not saying great creativity doesn't come from our struggles in life because it certainly does. The number of poems I've written about heartache is ridiculous, at least to me. The number of poems I've written about the pain of discovering one has lost one's self staggers me but perhaps wouldn't someone else. Yet, through it all what I find is an energy that sees possibility even through longing, that sees potential even in pain, and that sees good even in the worst experiences. I hope that's what others see when they read my words...

So sometimes when our creativity gets stuck, I think what we need is a change of energy. We need to look at the energy sources around us and see what they're creating in our lives.

Do you surround yourself with energy that flows naturally and beautifully? That ebbs and flows? That gives and takes? That has moments of bathing you in its glory? That pushes you to create?

Or

Do you sorround youself with energy that feels stifled and stuck? That pulls you down until you're drowning? That drains you of every last bit of creativity in your soul?

Take a moment. Close your eyes. Feel the energy around you. Feel the energy emanating from you. Feel the energy within you. Now, open your eyes. What did you feel? Look around you. Is there something you need to change to fix the energy in your space? This is where things can get dicey. Sometimes what needs changed is as simple as moving a photo or a vase that stirs up a feeling or memory of constricted energy, but sometimes it means re-evaluating who we spend time with and what they do to our energy reserves. This can be very difficult. I wrote about this last year in Creativity Creators and Drains, so I won't go into a lot of detail here. Just be aware that when someone feeds your creative energy, they are doing you a favor even if they don't know it, so be sure to give something back to them. You don't want to drain the person dry to meet your own needs. You don't want to become an energy drain, or as I've heard it put, an energy vampire, in someone's life, especially someone who so readily gives their energy to you.

Find and nurture the energy you need to keep your creativity flowing. Remember to give back to those who give you energy. And, always, always, be grateful for the creative energy that comes your way.

Creativity lives in energy.

Fighting My Muse

2011-09-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

When people ask me about my poetry, I often tell them that I save poetry for myself. I don't study it. I don't write for an audience, per se. I write what I want, when I want, and how I want. I don't pay attention to form or technique or any of that stuff. This is true. It is the one thing I never force and only write when inspired.Often my poetry is self-indulgent. I readily admit that. However, I think the themes are universal themes of humanity.

I thought about this yesterday as I finally gave in to my muse - that little voice in my head that nags the crap out of me until I write down what she wants me to write. You men who think you have nagging wives, you don't know nagging, trust me. My muse could give your wives lessons that would make your arm hairs stand on end and possibly try to run away.

Often this nagging begins as a simple phrase such as the one she'd been whispering in my ear for the past two weeks or so. "I Broke My Own Heart." I ignored her. I told her to get over it. I told it was a ridiculous statement. People don't break their own hearts... Come on. But still the words played on an endless loop. They popped up at the most inopportune times. They drove me to tears, well almost. I wrote them down once but nothing else came. I marked them out so ferociously I ripped the paper. Then I tore the paper in half. I scolded my muse and told her to move on to something else. She refused, and so those words, I broke my own heart, remained on their endless loop following me, haunting me, taunting me...

Finally, almost angrily, I wrote them on a piece of paper yesterday and stared at them. I broke my own heart. Again the word ridiculous went through my mind. Then I asked my muse "Now what?" She said "Shhh!" I rolled my eyes and pressed the point of the pen into the legal pad. I held my breath. Then as I exhaled, the words took form on the paper. There they were. It was a poem. Hhmmm! My muse was right again.

This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many, many times. And, I always think I can win the fight against my muse. Ha! Ha! Joke's always on me.

Last October, the words "When We Were a We" started playing in my head. I wrote them down. I marked them out. I tore the paper into tiny pieces. I finally wrote a whole poem that had me bawling like a starving baby. I read it again and again. Eventually I decided no one, not even me, would ever see those words again. I sent it through the paper shredder and deleted it from my files. But, those five words were still in my head. I jotted them on another sheet of paper and walked away. In the middle of the night, those words woke me up and refused to let me sleep. When We Were A We. They sang in my head as I did household chores. They interrupted the songs I listened to - songs I used to intentionally drown them out. They invaded other things I wrote. They even tried to come out of my mouth when I was speaking about something totally unrelated. They whispered when I was silent. They screamed when I tried to ignore them. Finally, I wrote them down once again and a poem poured out of me. This one I kept. This one I will share in one of my forthcoming books of poetry.

This has happened many times with me. I resist what I know I must write. I fight what I don't want to face. I tell myself writing it will be selfish, self-indulgent, needy, whiny, belligerent, etc. What I mean by any of those excuses is that writing it makes me feel vulnerable in some way. There's that word again. Vulnerable. It just keeps cropping up in my life. Well, I guess I've haven't accomplished as much as I thought when it comes to vulnerability.

And, that brings me back to my poetry. In a recent post, I referenced the idea that these books of poetry will show the world the truth of me. It is my hope that by exposing the truth of me, my words help someone else who is struggling with the challenges life brings. If so, then those poems will serve a double purpose. They will have helped me in my journey to find my own truth, and they will help someone else. Then sharing them will be worth it even if they do make me feel vulnerable.

There are certain poems that are almost certain to shock some. There are others that will likely resonate on a deep level with some. There are some that will anger some people. There may even be a few that will make people laugh. There are some that may confuse some people who think they know me particularly well. There are poems that will likely have no impact at all on some.

If you've played a significant role in my life, you just might recognize yourself though I've tried to write most of my poems without true identifiers. It's really not always possible to write a poem in a way that disguises the people involved from everyone. Some events are just too specific for that.

So, I'd like to say I'm writing this post to acknowledge my muse's power and that I'll quit fighting her; however, I think we all know that the next time I don't want to write what she tells me to write, I'll fight her just as hard. I'm stubborn, hardheaded, and prone to willful blindness when I don't want to face something. My muse, however, is the inner voice that forces me to not only face it but deal with it using words. So I guess I have to love her no matter how much she forces me to expose my vulnerabilities.

Here's to my muse always winning... Funny how her wins end up being wins for me too... At least, I think they do...

Albany Citizen's Police Academy - Class Two -The Chief, Recruitment, Field Training

2011-09-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

The second week of the Albany Citizens Police Academy started with Community Ed. Specialist Carmen Westfall speaking briefly and getting our t-shirt sizes. We get t-shirts! I don't know about you, but I can always use another t-shirt!

Then Chief Ed Boyd spoke to us. Something about Chief Boyd made me smile. He is definitely comfortable in front of a crowd and exudes confidence. I must admit I was distracted for a second by his purple dress shirt, but he wore it well, to paraphrase Rod Stewart. He encouraged us to interrupt him to ask questions. He talked easily about the department, his career, and what he sees as the challenges faced by the department. He provided statistics about Albany's policing staff as compared to the national average. As I understand it Albany has a force of approximately 1.1 officer per 1000 people, which isn't too bad. Ideally, the force would have approximately 1.3 officers per 1000 people.

Chief Boyd, though, feels the numbers aren't the most important thing. He believes the question to be answered is whether or not the police department is able to do everything that needs to be done to keep the citizens of Albany safe. He believes they are staffed to handle the load for everything except unusual occurrences. Hearkening back to last week, he reiterated the importance of interagency cooperation in the region.

Someone in the class asked if it would be cheaper to hire new officers than to pay overtime. He explained that it wouldn't when all the benefits, training and other costs were factored in.

It takes a full year after someone is hired for them to become a sworn police officer.

One interesting thing that surprised me is that the chief can go to jail if the department goes overbudget because it is illegal to go over budget; however, there are contingency funds in the city's coffers he can request in the case of a catastrophe.

He also talked about crime rates. It was nice to learn that Albany and the surrounding area is below the National, State, and Region crime rates for violent crimes even if property crimes in the same area are higher than the State and Region. He also told us that national crime rates are way down across the country which is surprising given the current economic climate. I have to admit that I wondered if fewer people are bothering to report "small" crimes, since crime rates are based on reported crimes... But that's just my cynical mind coming out to play.

One interesting fact he shared when discussing crime rates concerned meth use. The first shot of meth causes one's dopamine levels to shoot over 1000. Compare this to sex which has dopamine levels of around 250 (I think that's right)! Wow! The problem is that every time after that first time, the dopamine level increases less pushing the meth user to use more and more to go after that first level. Made me glad I've never been interested in trying drugs. He also informed us that meth use in the area is down but herion and cocaine use is up. That surprised me a little.

Next up, Lieutenant Chris Carter talked about Recruitment, Training, Physical Fitness, and Certification. He explained the application process, the testing process, the oral board Interview, and the background investigation. It takes a new employee eighteen months to complete the training period.

Job openings are posted online along with the minimum requirements. Albany Police Department does not require a college degree. Lieutenant Carter explained that in police work street smarts are as important as education. He showed a few of the videos shown during the ergometrics portion of the testing process. The videos were simple and are used to test the applicant's reaction to look for weak areas and strong points. The videos appear to have been shot sometime in the 1980s, possibly early 1990s, but the scenarios are ones that are universal and timeless, a call about a couple fighting that could potentially escalate to domestic violence and a drinking in public scenario were two of the ones we watched. Afterwards, a set of options is listed for the applicant to choose a response. Interestingly, officers applying from other departments find the test more difficult than new recruits because they tend to overthink the answers. Answers must be given within ten seconds. There's also a written and reading part of the ergometrics process because reading comprehension and writing skills are important for filling out reports and communicating effectively.

The ORPAT, Oregon Physical Abilities Test, looked interesting but difficult. It's an obstacle course that must be completed in 5 minutes and 30 seconds for the applicant to pass to the next stage of the hiring process. Lieutenant Carter provided a handout with the obstacle course laid out and explained how it would be run. All I could think was I'd kind of like to experience that, but I don't want to do it in front of people and I sure don't want to do the course 6 times in 5 minutes and 30 seconds. Okay, I don't want to do the course once in that time frame, but it would be interesting to get a feel for what it is.

The background investigation starts when a conditional job offer is made. It includes a personal history statement, an integrity interview that the applicant fills out while sitting across from someone reading his/her personal history statement. The questionnaires are designed to know the applicant person as much as humanly possible. I'm guessing from the way he described it that it could even put the person in touch with things he/she doesn't even realize about himself/herself. The idea is to make sure the candidate can do the job. Family and friends are interviewed during the background investigation. All applicants are fingerprinted, so their prints can be run. The prints are then kept on file forever.

Lieutenant Hammersley took over to discuss the Field Training & Evaluation Program that new recruits go through upon joining the department. As he worked through the slide show, I began to imagine what it must feel like to show up at the scene of a domestic violence incident, a murder scene, or even an accident and be expected to know what to do. Granted by the time these officers get to the Field Training & Evaluation Program, they have already been through the police academy, but it still has to be completely unnerving. In this job if you make a mistake, someone could die. That's quite a responsibility.

During the orientation, the new officer is given a training manual and their equipment. They are also given the policy, procedures, and general orers and all those are explained. They observe other agencies and departments and they work theorugh the first section of the Training Manual. Over the next several weeks, they rotate between field training officers to be sure they observe a variety of management styles and learn myriad skills the different FTOs have to offer. They go on calls and continue to complete their Field Training Manual. In Phase 4, they are assigned back to their original FTO, so the FTO can ensure they've met all the requirements to ready them for solo status - to take calls on their own. In Phase 5, the new officer is assigned solo status, but is overseen by the shift Lieutenant for two months.

During the Field Training & Evaluation, the FTO fills out a Daily Observation Report on the new officer's performance each and every day. These are used to determine strengths and weaknesses, so that areas that need strengthened can be addressed. Scores on each area of the 23 standardized areas are graded on a scale of 1-7. The scores should increase as the training goes on and a minimum of 4 must be maintained during the final few weeks of training.

While in an ideal world, new officers would go on calls that matched their current skill level and increased as their skills grew, in reality they go on the calls that come in because, well, frankly, crimes can't be scheduled to match training. This often mean a new officer is called to a domestic violence call earlier in training than the FTO would like. Learning happens as the calls present themselves meaning the new officer needs to be ready from the first day to go on any type of call where he/she is needed.

This portion of the class ended with a demonstration of a traffic stop in which two volunteers from the class participated. One volunteer acted as a new recruit and pulled over Lieutenant Hammersly for a traffic violation. Another class member acted as the FTO providing an evaluation. The new recruit volunteer had a little fun with it providing a little jovialty to the evening, and the class noted some of the mistakes made. All in all, it was an entertaining way to end the class.

As Lieutenant Hammersley described report writing, it dawned on me that a major component of fiction writing is also a must in police reports - Show Don't Tell. The reports need to show what happened to make the cases work when it goes to the DA or to court. I hadn't thought about it in those terms before, but it makes perfect sense. Writers need to show instead of tell in order to immerse their readers in the story and keep the events alive.

We covered a lot in this class. I wonder if all the classes are going to cover so much information. It's all interesting and there are definitely tidbits I've picked up that could be beneficial as I write crime fiction! The class gives a bit of an insight into the real life of the cops and the struggles police departments have to be all they need to be to the community.

One thing is certain, these classes are designed to bridge any gaps between the community and the police. It's not really designed for learning to write better fiction... Of course, I knew that going in... That said, it is a worthwhile venture.

The Process: Ecstatic or Not So Ecstatic

2011-09-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

In the song, X-static Process Madonna sings "I always wish that I could find someone as beautiful as you but in the process I forgot that I was special, too." and she ends the song with " I always wish I could find someone as talented as you but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you."

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Let me rephrase that; I wept. Okay, perhaps I sobbed. Those words went through my heart like a wooden stake through a vampire's heart. I felt like I was disintegrating just like those vampires on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I didn't understand my reaction at the time. I was happy. My life was nearly perfect. So why did I have such a strong reaction to a simple song about losing one's self in the presence of another person?

This is the power of words. They resonate sometimes with our inner selves in a way we don't understand at the time. And, it's why I love words so very much.

I've been working on compiling my poetry to publish in books, and that means reading those poems. It means getting in touch with emotions and memories that I tend to avoid in my daily life. It means deciding how much of my truth I want you to see. It means risking putting it all out there and having you reject me. It means having people read their own meanings into poetry that comes from a very deep place in my psyche and allowing that to be. It means opening the vein of vulnerability that has scared me since... well, pretty much since I can remember.

It reminds me that honesty and vulnerability are not the same thing. I have no problem being honest but vulnerable is a different story. Give you something that might hurt me? I don't think so. Some of you may remember I spent all of 2010 working on allowing myself to be more vulnerable. See Vulnerability, I Once Considered You a Curse Word. (Oh, it's kind of long, so you might want to finish this before you go check it out.)

So back to the song's effect on me. I listened to it this morning once, twice, thrice... Suddenly something dawned on me. It seems highly likely that the first time I heard Madonna's X-static Process, it hit a vessel that was already bleeding into my poetry and continued until it gushed out in my realization of no longer recognizing myself. I worked on the book of poetry that includes poems on the theme of losing and finding one's self most of yesterday. At some point during the process, X-static Process came to rest in my mind until it wouldn't shut up. It's easy to lose ourselves sometimes when we get caught up in trying to be "better" people or to fit in or to make a relationship of some sort work. The truth of who we are will always bleed through in the end though.

I've found that sometimes I have to use distractions as I work through my poetry. A text conversation with a friend that pulls me out of reading every single poem, watching a football game to keep from getting absorbed in the memories sparked by the poems, or scheduling a mundane task to force me away from my desk for a few minutes. All have worked well.

I know that probably sounds counterproductive. After all, complete concentration should be the way to make quick work of compiling the poems into books, but when the memories begin to drown me I lose that focus anyway.

For many of my writing projects, complete focus is necessary and I shut out, actively avoid, any distractions, but this project isn't like that. The problem is how easily I get sucked into my memories and start feeling exactly how I felt at the time I wrote the poem.

Old memories and emotions stirring can bring us to new truths, expose the lies we told ourselves at the time or maybe even for years afterward, or sometimes trick us into believing the memory even if it has morphed into a fantasy.

When those stirrings occur, whether triggered by something you wrote, something you read, or something you heard, the only thing you can do is pay attention. So often we forget to pay attention to our own lives, to our own hearts, to our own truths. Then we find ourselves floating through life without really feeling or thinking or engaging. When something snaps us out of that float, it's time to pay attention even if we don't like the message coming our way.

And, now back to immersing myself in poetry and memories. Somehow writing this blog wasn't quite the distraction I'd hoped it would be...

Albany Citizens Police Academy - Class One - History and Department Structure

2011-09-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first class of the Albany Citizens Police Academy. I arrived on time, actually a couple minutes early. The class was fuller than I expected. I don't know why I expected it to be small, but I did. Okay, I didn't count the number of people, but I was pleasantly surprised. I looked around the room looking for a seat. There were only a few left. A girl on the opposite side of the room smiled at me, so I headed for the empty chair next to her. We struck up a conversation and chatted again later.

Binders were provided for each student along with a stenonotebook and a pen. We also have to wear nametags. Oh, joy!! At least they're the necklace kind instead of clip things that destroy clothes. And, I get it, really I do. After all, I chaired a conference, so I know name tags make it easier to identify one another.

The presentation started with an orientation lead by Community Ed. Specialist Carmen Westfall. She explained what we should expect from the class and what was expected of us. She also told us a little about herself, her relocation from the Midwest, and her job with the Albany Police Department. She took us through the binder explaining what was included and telling us about the ride-a-long form included in case any of us want to schedule a ride-a-long. Oh, yeah, a ride-a-long!! That sounds too tempting. I will be turning that form in at the next class.

Apparently, the Chief, Ed Boyd, is usally there on the first night, but as it was his 31st anniversary and he has a promise to his wife regarding their anniversary, he was spending it with her. I've got to admit I found his keeping his promise both honorable and admirable, especially given his line of work. Captain Eric Carter read a statement from the Chief welcoming the class and expressing that he looks forward to meeting us next week.

Captain Jeff Henrichs and Captain Carter shared duties explaining the history and structure of the department. They discussed the mission statement "Excellence Through Service" and how they use it to stay focused on integrity, impartiality, and respect as they go about problem resolution and communication within the community.

They explained the various roles of those within the department and talked a bit about the mission statement and the Chief's encouragement to the department to always strive for the WOW factor in dealing with the community.

I very much enjoyed hearing how a small department runs since the department in my manuscript, Red, is a very small department in a very small town in Kentucky. They confirmed something I suspected; that in small departments everyone much pitch in where needed regardless of title or rank. Each position in the department has a defined role, but when resources are tight, the important thing is getting the job done.

A common theme throughout the presentation was about interagency cooperation. They explained how all the policing agencies in the area work together and lend a hand for major investigations or even just bad accidents. They also explained that it is important to have these good working relationships with other agencies in the area because their needs overlap and their budgets make it impossible for every department to have every need met. By working together, they can fill one another's gaps and help to keep the citizens safer.

They talked about training and mandatory training hours that carry on throughout an officer's career. They briefly described the state requirements for physical fitness for police officers joining the force. There's no fitness retest for officers once they have the job though.

They mentioned the three K-9s who work with the department. Two are dogs who search for people and one is dedicated to narcotics searches. The dogs live with their handlers and become a part of the family. I smiled at the idea that they are really big teddy bears trained to do a job because I'd bet the criminals they track would highly disagree with that assessment!

They discussed how technology has made the job more efficient because of the ease in doing research, background checks, and taking reports while in the field. Both captains also mentioned that when they started, everything was done with pen and paper. They kept a notebook and pen in the car to jot down addresses, locations, calls, and the positions of other officers.

The presentation was an overview that touched on the things we'll learn more about in the coming weeks. I went in expecting a dry lecture but was surprised to get a dynamic and informative overview of the Albany Police Department.

Both captains answered all questions asked with honesty. They were thorough yet succinct.

Talking with Captain Carter during the break and after the presentation was interesting and informative. He went so far as to look up a statistic that troubled me enough to approach him during the break to see if I understood it correctly. He later came back and gave me more precise information.

Captain Carter and Captain Henrich left the class, or at least me, anxious for the next class and ready to learn more!! Looking forward to next Tuesday night!!

Reaching Out When It Hurts Isn't Always Easy

2011-09-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I logged on to Facebook and was disturbed by a friend's status post. She pondered ". . . wants to know why we expect those who hurt to ask for help? When you're in that hurt, reaching out is often the last thing you think to do." - Pari Noskin Taichert, author

I felt like someone hit me right smack dab in my heart. It took my breath away in an instant. I stared at the screen and blinked back a tear. Okay, they're simple words, but sometimes simple words are the most effective. Yeah, I know I've said that before. Still true and bears repeating.

I thought about the many times I've seen a pained look on a friend's face or a cheerful smile belied by the pain in someone's eyes, and kept silent. All the times I didn't ask the simple questions "Are you okay?" or "Is something wrong?" or "Is there anything I can do?" just to let the person know I noticed. I thought about all the times I've read between the lines of someone's overly cheerful words sensing he/she was covering something and kept quiet. I thought about the times I've let someone's silence that I sensed meant pain or embarrassment remain silence without proffering even a simple gesture to say that I cared. My heart ached as I remembered moments I could've reached out with kindness and understanding. Even if I was unable to help, at least the gesture would've demonstrated I cared.

Then my thoughts turned to my own reluctance to ask for help when I hurt. I'm getting better at this with a select group of beloved and trusted friends, but I still struggle with it. The idea of appearing vulnerable... The idea of appearing needy... The idea of appearing weak... All of these terrify me. Yet, I understand that in life we all have vulnerable moments, needy moments, and weak moments. I don't think less of others for these moments, but I assume they'll think less of me for them. Yes, yes. I know. I said I'm working on it.

The more I thought about it, the more compelled I felt to reach out to my friends and let them know that I care and that I'm there for them. So I ended up posting the following as my Facebook status:

"Note to my friends: If I don't mention your pain when I see it, it's only because I'm not sure if you're ready to face it or talk about it. If I miss the signs of your pain, it may be because my own issues cloud my vision. Either way, if you need me, I will listen and help the best I can. Know this: I DO CARE!!"

I mean it. Sometimes we don't reach out when every instinct in our bodies tell us, too. I'm fighting that instinct right now leaving a small hint open for the person that I'm here if the person wishes to talk but not making a move. Sometimes I fear my instincts are wrong. Sometimes I'm just too shy (yeah, really). Sometimes I convince myself the other person knows best whether or not to confide in me. But, no matter what, I never stop caring about those important to me.

Lately, I've been compiling my poetry into three collections for publication. As I weed through those poems, I see my vulnerabilities played out in ink on paper. I see the images of moments when I could've reached out to a friend but poured my heart onto paper instead. It makes for great inspiration, but could reaching out just one of those times have taken my life on a different path - changed some event that might have made a bad thing not happen? Could expressing what I felt to someone rather than about them in a poem have created a deeper, more intimate, more caring relationship? Could expressing my feelings and thoughts have changed not only my life but the outcome of someone else's perhaps many someone elses? Could expressing those doubts out loud to a friend have made me stronger in the long run? I don't know. I ask myself these questions because I'll never know the answer.

And, then there's the other question...

If I had expressed those emotions, doubts, fears, struggles, to someone else, would the poetry I've written even exist? Perhaps it wouldn't because I wouldn't have needed to explore what I couldn't find the words to say out loud. And, so I find myself feeling a dilemma. Certain things in my life could've been different, but my art might not exist...

Is my art worth the price of holding those emotions inside? Is it worth the cost of "what might've been"? Is it worth the pain I've caused others? Is it worth the pain I've brought upon myself? They say artists suffer for their art, and perhaps that is true. But perhaps art just takes a different form when one learns to truly express one's need and love for others... Perhaps it's time for me to use my poetry to tell the world and the people in my life the truth of me. Hence, the upcoming books...

But, let me encourage you to do what most of us find so difficult. The next time you see pain in a friend's eyes, just ask him/her if he/she is okay. Open the door for him/her to express what's on his/her mind. Let him/her know that when he/she is ready, you're there to give him/her whatever she/she needs to ease his/her pain in any way you can or at least to just be present...

Also, the next time you need that support, please find someone you trust and let your guard down. You just might find love, acceptance, and support.

Many thanks to Pari for her inspiring Facebook status post!

To my friends who are always there, who listen when I ask, and back off when I don't but still manage to let me know they care and are there when I'm ready to talk, you already know I think you're fabulous, awesome, wonderful, etc., but let me tell you now I appreciate and love you more than you can possibly know. Thank you!! Should you need me to return the favor, please don't ever hesitate to let me know. I'll help however I possibly can.

My Life as a Book 2011

2011-09-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Beth Groundwater's blog. She got it from Kaye Barley's Meanderings and Muses blog. I thought what the heck, might be fun.

If you want to play, please join us. All you have to do is fill in the blank with a book you've read this year.

My Life as a Book 2011

One time at band/summer camp, I: learned Killer Instinct (Robert Walker)
Weekends at my house are: One Hell of a Journey (L. Christian Amougou)
My neighbor is: not Missing in Mexico (Stuart Gustafson)
My boss was: never filled with Faith (Jennifer Haigh) in people to do the right thing.
My ex was: the definition of Old Loves Die Hard (Lauren Carr)
My superhero secret identity is: The Four Ms. Bradwells (Meg Waite Clayton)
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry because: anger makes me see NHI: No Humans Involved (Ray Ellis)
I'd win a gold medal in: being Out of Character (David De Steno and Piercarlo Valdesolo)
I'd pay good money for: Writing the Life Poetic (Sage Cohen)
If I were president, I would: issue a Motion to Kill (Joel Goldman) deception in politics
When I don't have good books, I: Blink (Malcolm Gladwell)
Loud talkers at the movies should be: sent to Tyrmia (Ken McConnell)

Perfectionism Stymies My Writing Yet Again

2011-08-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've been compiling my poetry into a book. It might be more accurate to say I've been struggling to compile my poetry into a book. I thought I had it done. Then I started to read through it and realized it was overwhelming, too many poems and too many directions. At that point I decided to divide the poetry into three books. I thought this would be easy!! Really I did. I started working on it and kept trying to make it perfect as I tend to do. People who know me well know that I have a tendency to expect perfection from myself. I could go into all the childhood roots this belief grew from, but I know what they are. It doesn't change anything, and this isn't a therapy session. So, we'll skip that. Just suffice it to say, there are roots and they get fed regularly by my expectations and the expectations of certain other people in my life.

Then there are those people who don't expect me to be perfect, who remind me that perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be, and that perfection gets in the way of me being my best self. Odd isn't it to think that striving for perfection can actually stop us from being our best selves. When this thought occurred to me, I felt a gut wrenching denial that lasted for a very long time - like a day or two - before I could accept it as truth. Actually, in all honesty, I'm still struggling to accept it as true even though intellectually I get it.

Last week I offhandedly mentioned to a friend who asked how my day was going that I didn't know if I was struggling with the books of poetry because I was being indecisive or a perfectionist. My friend reminded me of my tendency to get in my own way by striving for perfection...

I sat down at the card table set up in my family room, looked at the poems spread all around and started working. Every time the word perfect popped in my head, I reminded myself of my friend's words. Simple words really and one's I'd heard before, but they worked. And, by Thursday night I had all the poems sorted into four piles - three books and one pile of rejects and two books were already organized. I thought it would take at least two weeks to get to this point even though little Miss Perfectionist demanded I get it done yesterday and that it be perfect and alternately demanded I work on it until it was perfect no matter how long that took. I stared in disbelief for a few minutes. I wanted to hug or kiss or at least thank my friend for those words that helped me free myself from the perfectionist thinking that kept tripping me. I think I may have danced around the room a bit. Seriously, I felt a little delirious. Friday I organized the last book. I felt great!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have fabulous friends?

I started assimilating the poems into "books" on my computer yesterday. So far so good. I'm still happy with the results. When this is done, I'll need a final read through to see if it's "great" not "perfect". If so, I'm one step closer.

Being freed from the twisted roots of perfectionism is incredibly liberating... Wonder how long it will last... Seems like those roots are always waiting to wrap around me and pull me back under...

Appearance on Blog, Calling All Writers

2011-08-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

Audrey Austin, author and blogger, liked my poem, Granny , so much she asked to post it on her blog, Calling All Writers, for her readers! Thanks so much, Audrey!! While you're there check out her information on the Elliot Lake Writers' Fall Festival!

Writers on the Move May Change My Opinion of Workout Groups

2011-08-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Confession: I hate workout groups. There I said it. I don't particularly like to work out in front of other people. I don't do classes. I don't go to the gym. I don't find groups of strangers to work out with. I guess I don't want other people to see me hot and sweaty and stumbling and messing up. I'm not athletic. Never have been. Working out with other people makes me keenly aware of this to the point of becoming self conscious. I don't like being accountable to other people for my workouts. I fear judgment if I slack off. I fear criticism that I'm not doing the "right" workout or the exercises the "right" way.

I've tried many different workouts.

I hate running. Let me make sure you understand. I despise running. You can't make me do it. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Don't even go there. Now, for those who enjoy running, more power to you. Keep at it and enjoy. I know many people who enjoy it. Don't try to convince me. I've heard all the arguments. Just push past this point and that point. Why? I don't like it. If I'm going to exercise, it's got to be something I enjoy.

I used to really enjoy walking. I've mentioned in other posts the late night walks I used to take with my friend, Sandy, when we were in college. I also used to take long walks around campus by myself during the day. These weren't necessarily "workouts", but they were movement. I have raely taken walks as exercise on a regular basis since college and that was a while ago. I'm not sure why. I could probably come up with some reasons if I thought about it, but then again they might just be excuses...

Aerobic workouts can be fun especially those that involve dance steps or other nicely choreographed movements. I used to take aerobics classes which is where I realized I hate exercising in groups. I still own a couple of aerobic workouts and do them on occasion. I used to do a bellydancing routine that was incredibly fun, but it was on VHS. I got rid of it years ago. Maybe I'll buy a new one, a DVD this time. It was fun and might make for a nice change of pace now and then.

Weight training is okay. I enjoy light weights in combination with aerobics, but I don't have any desire to do heavy weights or develop huge muscles. I still have a couple of weight workout DVDs that I pull out from time to time.

Tai Chi bored me silly. I just couldn't get into it though I love to watch the fluid motions when other people do it.

Pilates is okay. I own a pilates DVD, but I haven't done it in over a year. Maybe I will next week just to see how I feel about it now. I didn't find it as challenging as yoga though a friend of mine finds the opposite. She thinks pilates in much more challenging than yoga... I guess every body is different.

Yoga is my go-to exercise. I love everything about it. I love the poses. I love the stretches. I love the breathing. I love the strength building that comes from holding the poses. I love doing the slow, easy workouts and the heart pumping ones. I love the flow between the poses and the hold of the poses. I love the way my body feels as I do yoga and when I'm finished. I love that when I do yoga my mind has to focus on the pose and not wander off in a million directions berating me for the things I'm not doing. It's just not possible for those thoughts to exist and hold the yoga poses. I love that I feel my body changing over time.

Okay, now that I've gushed about yoga, let me get back to my point...

A while back in an effort to get over my hatred of exercising in front of people, I started opening the blinds in the room where I exercise. Okay, I really started opening them so my cats could look out the window while I exercised, but then I realized it was a good step toward me becoming less self conscious. Oh, how I deceive myself... It's an upstairs window angled in a way that I'm unlikely to be seen as I go through my yoga poses, but it's a start.

I recently joined the Facebook group, Writers on the Move. Christina Katz started it a few months ago. At least I think Christina started it. I hesitated at first because of all the reasons I stated above mostly the accountability and fear of judgment thing because this isn't a group of people who are likely to ever exercise together since we're spread out all over the world. Okay, I didn't actually check to see if it's the whole world, but it's a good guess. I saw a few posts Christina made to the group and finally got curious. I checked it out. It looked more inspirational and supportive than anything. I decided to join and lurk for a while to see how the dynamics worked.

Remember I said lurk for awhile... Well, that didn't last long, maybe an hour or so. I started liking people's posts and commenting when I thought I could help. Next thing I knew I was posting what about my love of yoga. Within a day or two I started posting about my yoga routines... So much for lurking... To be honest, I'm not good at lurking. When I have something to say, I'm gonna say it. I rarely hold back.

I found that people were inspired by my little workout posts. Really? This surprised me. I don't know why. After all, I was inspired by their posts. People talk about their workouts and their obstacles to exercising. People offer tips and advice to one another. People ask for help and advice. The group is supportive and encouraging. There's a little goodnatured teasing now and then, but everything is kept upbeat and on topic. Often, it's just "likes" on exercise posts, but somehow that's enough.

One day earlier this week I fell behind schedule and considered skipping my yoga routine. Then I read a few posts on Writers on the Move and changed my mind even though I knew my schedule would be tighter and some things probably wouldn't get done on time. Once my routine was done, I felt better. I had more energy. My focus was better.

That's the thing about working out. It's not just a physical thing. It helps us in all aspects of our lives. For me that's why yoga works best. Other exercises don't give me the same balance in the rest of my life.

Has joining the group helped my writing? I think so, but it's hard to tell since I already did yoga on a regular basis. What I know it's done for me is remind me that as a writer I spend a lot of time sitting and to remind me that movement makes me healthier. Being healthier has to help my writing, right?

Writers on the Move just might change my attitude about workout groups. It just might... Still, I can't imagine I'll be signing up for group yoga any time soon. But this group works for me and it just might help you, too.I didn't even think I needed encouragement in my workouts since I already exercised regularly. It just proves we can all use a little encouragement now and then even if we think we don't need it!

So, move. And, come join us at Writers on the Move. We'll inspire and encourage you on your way to your fitness goals! Your body, your mind, and your spirit will all thank you for it!!

Poem, Granny, Now Available

2011-08-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

My poem, Granny, honoring my Grandma Cooper, who would've celebrated her 94th birthday today, is now available. Check it out!

Spreading Kindness

2011-08-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Kindness is always a good idea. Kindness without expecting anything in return is an even better idea. Kindness that spreads from one person to another is an even better idea. Kindness that is genuine is one of the most important riches we can share with one another.

Spreading kindness is not a new idea. The movie Pay It Forward was built around the premise of spreading kindness to create a better world. Several years ago, Oprah had a show about spreading kindness. I believe the show topic was "Random Acts of Kindness" and the idea was to combat "Random Acts of Violence" with positives in an attempt to change the world one "Random Act of Kindness" at a time. At least that's how I remember it.

Books have been written about the idea of spreading kindness. Some promise if you spread kindness without expecting anything in return, good things will come your way. I happen to believe this.

I also believe that anonymous acts of kindness are much better than recognition-seeking acts of kindness. As a general rule, if you feel the need to tell others you've performed a random act of kindness, then your motivation is about you, not about being kind to someone else.

Recently, I pulled up to the Starbucks window to pay for my latte and scone only to learn the strangers in the car in front of me had already paid my bill because, as the barrista said "someone had done the same for them and they wanted to do it for someone else." I was incredibly touched by this simple act of kindness. I know nothing about these people. I don't know what religion they practice if any, what color their skin is, what job they hold, how much money they earn, what their political beliefs are, whether they're gay or straight, or anything else about them. But, none of that matters. It just doesn't. They were kind. That's all that matters.

Pay it Forward, the "Random Acts of Kindness" episode of the Oprah show, and recently my own experience receiving a "random act of kindness" have all influenced me to perform my own random acts of kindness. I never even think about getting anything in return or telling anyone else I've performed them, but what I've discovered is that when one lives with an attitude of giving rather than taking, one receives. Of course, one must also be open to accepting kindness when it comes one's way.

I don't believe kindness is the work of any one religion, faith, or belief. I can't believe that. The evidence doesn't support it. Some of the kindest and least self-aggrandizing people I know are atheist or agnostic. I also know many very kind people who are Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, and so on.

I applaud Plant A Simple Seed for wanting to spread kindness and for coming up with a way to do it that actively engages people in the process. The blog encourages those wishing to participate to contact the blog owner to receive cards to leave when they plant a seed. The idea being that the card receiver should then do something kind for another person again leaving the card and so on and so on. The person receiving the kindness is also asked to go on the blog and leave a comment about the kindness they received. When I read it, it struck me how many people were reporting the seed they planted rather than a kindness received. Even though most of the posts were anonymous, I wondered if they were seeking recognition for their kindness... I didn't think that was how it was supposed to work.

It's just, and I have to say this, being kind isn't the Christian thing to do, it's the human thing to do. Treating one another with kindness transcends any religious belief and is taught by all religions and even by nonreligious people.

I encourage you to check out Plant a Simple Seed for yourself and decide whether or not you wish to participate.

Whether or not you opt to get the cards from Plant a Simple Seed, I encourage you to seek out opportunities in your life to be kind to others.

Kindness is its own reward!!

My poem, Caffeine

2011-08-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

Check out my poem, Caffeine. You might like it! :-)

Human Beings First, Forget the Labels

2011-08-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

I write about the human condition for one main reason, we are humans. We live in this world together. We all have that in common every single one of us. Regardless of skin color, religion, political persuasion, sexual orientation, gender, class, or any other labelling apparatus we use to create division between us. In the end, we are all human beings.

The first time I had coffee with my friend and fellow author, Ray Ellis, I told him that my novel, All She Ever Wanted, dealt with racism. He looked at me for a minute then calmly and without judgment informed me, without having read a word of it, that it didn't deal with racism because there is only one race, the human race. It was a turning point in my life. I've never thought about racism the same since that conversation. That change in thought helped me find an even stronger conviction and desire to explore and understand the human condition.

As human beings we hurt, we dream, we work, we play, we laugh, we cry, we love, we hate, we fail, we succeed, and so on. Our feelings get hurt. Our bodies get hurt. Our relationships suffer obstacles. Our lives face challenges. This doesn't change because we happen to fall into any of those "labels" we use to divide.

As part of writing about the human condition, I research, examine, study, and analyze the human condition. I blog about my struggles to become the best me I can because I'm fairly certain others can relate. We all struggle to be our best selves. Some may think these posts are self indulgent, and I suppose some are to a degree; however, if I share my struggle with something and that happens to help someone else, then it's worth it. And, sometimes what seems to be about me is really about my observations of someone else's situation. Sometimes they are the things I wish I could say one-on-one, but I know won't be heard. Whether saying them in a more generic way reaches the person I wish I could say them to or not, maybe they'll help someone else in a similar situation.

I think all writers, especially fiction writers and poets, write about the human condition in one way or another. I tend to do it from the perspective of character growth while many write about it by wrapping the storyline around a social cause. Murder, rape, domestic violence, love, hate, romance, civil rights, and the list goes on and on are all part of the human condition. Even the criminal is human though in fiction it often seems like they're not. I've talked to and read authors who prefer to keep their criminals two dimensional, after all who cares what's going on in the criminal's head? There are readers who prefer the criminal not be humanized at all. I struggle with that. I can see their point... kind of. On the other hand, I have a real need to understand "why" even in a book. Even the bad guy had to come from somewhere. That's my need to understand the human condition.

When I write, I'm very interested in examining what makes the characters tick - every character. I want my characters to make people stop and think. Maybe to consider something in a new way. So I spend countless hours inside my characters' heads interrogating them, conjoling them, charming them, and listening to them. Sometimes I do this for days or even months before they make it to paper. Other times only for hours.

I think it would be safe to say I wrap my plot around my characters and the growth they will experience in the book. That's what excites me about writing. The idea of figuring out something new regarding the human condition and sharing it with others gives me a sense of fulfillment or at least purpose. Or even reminding people of something that has been lost in the stereotypes people tend to accept so easily. Or encouraging people to feel a little compassion and connection with a human being they might otherwise turn away from. I sure hope that my readers find my examinations of the human condition, whether in a novel, short story, poem, or blog entry, entertaining, interesting and enlightning.

Mostly though I hope my writing about the human condition helps people see that we really are all human beings inhabiting the same planet. We all have that much in common in spite of all the labels assigned us...

Could You Change Just This One Little Thing, Oh, and That One, and While You're At It...

2011-08-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

We've all been there. We're in love. The person we love makes a little request. You know, the first time he or she says "I really don't like it when you..." We shrug and think, okay, no big deal, I won't do that again. After all it's a little thing. The next time the person says "You really shouldn't..." We nod and say okay I won't do that again. All seems well. Then one day the person says "I wish you would stop..." This time it doesn't seem like the thing we did was such a bad thing, so our nod is a little slower but we still agree. Then one day the person says "Damn it. Do you have to...?" and this time it feels like an assault on our personality, but we're not sure. Maybe we really do need fixed. After all no one is perfect... Things go along and the person is happy, we smile but begin to feel ourselves dissolving. But, hey, the person is happy, and that's what matters. After all, this is love. He or she only wants what's best for us. Right? Then one day the person who loves us strikes out with cruel words or even worse, and when we ask the person to not treat us like that, he or she tells us it's our fault. That if we'd only..., then he or she wouldn't react like that. And, we believe it. After all, this is love and we want to keep love...

Maybe we even venture a little request for some changes ourselves here and there, so we tell ourselves it's only fair. We say "I wish you wouldn't..." or "It hurts my feelings when you..." or "Please don't do that..." And, maybe the person agrees and maybe he or she doesn't.

After all, we get to choose which changes we make and which we don't. Right? Just like he or she does.

Eventually, one day, perhaps even years after this begins, we look in the mirror and the eyes staring back at us ask only one question "Who the hell are you?"

When we reach that point, we know we've turned ourselves into a shell in order to fit the image the person desired, and that that person has no resemblance to us. Then we have to decide whether to remain the image or embrace our true selves. If we choose to embrace the image, we lose ourselves. If we choose to embrace our true selves, we risk losing love. Although at this point we might also venture to ask ourselves if the person loves us or the image we've created to please him or her. On the other hand, if the relationship is strong, it might survive us embracing our true selves. No one can make this decision for us.

So the next time someone says you need to change something about yourself in order to be attractive or loved or desired or needed or to otherwise meet his or her expectations (click here for my earlier examination of expectations), ask yourself if it's what you want. If it's not, feel free to say "No, I like me just as I am. If you don't, sorry but that's just the way things have to be."

While this kind of relationship dynamic may make for nice drama in fiction, it is definitely not a good life. When we see this in fiction, we tend to root for the person being told to change to break free and take charge of his or her own life. Usually, in fiction, it is the woman in this situation, but there are stories about men changing when they finally meet the right woman - the one who breaks through his defenses and makes him capable of opening his heart again. In those situations, the reader is almost always put in a position to root for the woman to reach the man because he just needs love. But, sorry, folks, that's why it's called fiction. No amount of love fixes those things in real life. Love may open a window and let a little fresh air in, but if the individual doesn't want to change, it ain't happenin'. It just ain't.

Now, don't misunderstand this post. I'm not saying change is bad. We are all growing and therefore changing all the time, but when we try to mold ourselves into the image someone else has of us, we lose who we are. And, that's not love. Control, desperation, neediness, and insecurity, you bet, but love, no way.

When someone loves you, they should love you for who you are, who you were, and who you are becoming. And, again, I'm not saying we don't have the right to set boundaries because we most certainly do and should. I'm talking about when someone asked us to change in order to fit some shifting idealized image in his or head that can never truly be met or when we ask it of someone else.

At the heart of it, you are who you are. Embrace that and don't substitute an image for the real thing ever. The people who truly love you will love the real you including both your positive and negative traits. They will always want the best for you even if that best isn't what they envision for you.

After all, in fiction, the main character almost always learns this lesson at the end of the story. So just jump ahead in your own story, and love yourself enough to be yourself now before it's too late.

Poem, Grandma, Now Available

2011-08-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Grandma, a poem honoring my Grandma, is available for your reading pleasure.

Time is No Enemy of True Friendship

2011-08-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Three friends. Three meals. Three seperate groups of memories. Three consecutive years of my college life respresented. Three times the excitement.

I'm a woman who values friendship to a very high degree - maybe not more than anything but it's definitely way up there on my list of things important to me. Friendship means so much to me that I find it hard to define. Yes, I know how to look it up in the dictionary, but that's not what I mean. In my opinion, the dictionary definition of friendship doesn't even come close to defining what true friendship is.

As I was working on an earlier draft of this post, Keira Kroft posted "Who is your best friend?" as her daily get to know you question. I responded that I don't do best friends. I have way too many awesome friends to even go there. My friends are all special to me for who they are. There are certain things I value in friendship that create common threads, but each friend I have brings something a little different to my life than the others. The roles they play vary meaning my love for each is unique but equal which brings me back to Cathy, Sandy, and Lori; the three friends I saw while in Florida.

While making plans to see each of them, I began to consider their common traits and what made them different from one another. As I thought about it, I also began to see the individual roles they played in my life.

I thought I would be nervous, but I was too excited to feel nervous. All week as I practiced going with the flow and enjoying being in the moment, there was a little part of me that just couldn't wait until I saw my friends on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Within seconds Sandy and I were chatting away, talking about life, reminiscing, and catching each other up. Now, I do wonder if my husband's presence kept us from broaching a few topics that we probably would've if we'd been alone. One of the things Sandy and I enjoyed doing together was taking late night walks around the EKU campus. The campus seemed to peaceful at night. The stars were visible yet the streets of campus were well lit. There were areas where we felt we could talk in total privacy. Those late night walks became a cornerstone of my existence even when we were joined by other people. We both smiled as we talked about those walks, so I'm sure Sandy enjoyed them as much as I did. And, I have to be honest, as the time came for Sandy to head home, I wanted nothing more than to find a place and take a late night walk just like old times... Maybe next time...

Cathy and I talked nonstop once we got started which was pretty much as soon as we said hello. Introductions of our husbands out of the way, we blabbered about life and left them to talk about whatever. We reminisced about silly things we did in college and briefly discussed some people we both knew. From time to time, we joined in the guys conversation or pulled them into ours for a few minutes. Then we were back to our girl talk. It seemed liked no time had passed at all as we talked, picked up conversations in what anyone else would've considered the middle, and shared a secret or two. Well, that's what friends do... They confide in one another. We discovered that even though life had taken us in different directions and even surprised one another with one or two of those directions, we still enjoyed chatting with each other face to face.

Somehow, Lori and I went from hello and hugs to laughter in less than a second. We talked and talked and talked. Conversation was easy. We talked about shared memories and the moments we'd missed. Everything seemed relevant and important. We talked about current affairs, religion, people, and social issues. Lori and my husband chatted for a while while I chatted with Lori's Mom who joined us. Then Lori and I chatted while her Mom and my husband chatted. Again from time to time, we all joined in the same conversation. Before we knew it we had been in the restaurant from lunch time to dinner time, and so it was time for my husband and me to head back to Orlando.

Here's what I know (or was reminded of) because of these three visits (and guess what writers? These things might prove helpful in character development.):

I am lucky to have had a whole host of wonderful friends in my life many of whom still love me and whom I still love. (Yep, I said it. Love.)

Not every friendship I've had has lasted and even the ones here have had their trials. Cathy and I fell out of touch shortly after she left college and didn't reconnect until a year ago. Sandy and I exchanged letters regularly for a long time, but our contact has become more sporadic over the years. Lori and I quit speaking for several years at one point in time. But, none of that mattered when we reconnected. I've found that to be true with so many of the people in my life where the connection has been genuine and truly caring.

Friends don't care about perfection. They only care about how well you connect and whether or not you accept them as they are. They may want understanding for their mistakes, and they are willing to give you theirs for yours. They mainly just want to know you really care what is happening in their lives.

Friends instinctively know the topics that shouldn't be brought up with other people present. That's just how it is. It's not about secrets. Well, sometimes it is. But, it's more about not opening topics or events that could be misunderstood or that maybe might be given more weight than they deserve.

My heart is big enough for all my friends, and the reason my heart is big enough for all my friends is because of all my friends. They give me the room to love and to grow. They provide me the roots to stay grounded and the leaves to reach toward my dreams. They choose to love me, and I choose to love them.

Friendship isn't marred by distance unless we allow it to be, especially not in today's world of technology.

Time is no enemy of true friendship.

Shuttle Launch Day - A True Lesson in Going with the Flow

2011-08-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

We finally arrive at Shuttle Launch Day which was actually July 8th... Just what you've been waiting for, right?

We're not going to talk much about going with the flow in relationship to this day mainly because the flow for this day was completely beyond my control. And, that is in and of itself a lesson in going with the flow.

The plan was to grab a few hours sleep because we had to be at the Astronaut's Hall of Fame by 6am according to the paperwork we received. Sleep wouldn't come. Try as I might I couldn't fall asleep. So, finally, after hearing on the late news that people were already arriving to watch the launch and debating the pros and cons of making the fifty or so minute drive and the wait, we left the hotel room at around 2:30 in the morning.

We made a few wrong turns and ended up taking the long way around, but we arrived before 4:00am and parked. Sleep deprivation? Mostly but also because we'd been instructed to take a different route than the one we'd scouted earlier in the week.

When we arrived there were already a significant number of people there. I was really glad it was warm out because we were to be outside for the entire thing. Okay, the building was open for bathrooms, the exhibits, and the gift shop, so I didn't have to be outside the whole time. The gift shop lured me in hopes of finding a t-shirt I'd seen on Monday and not bought. They had it as well as a sweatshirt with the same design on the front - all the shuttles pointing up with one in the middle. Yay me! I got one of each!

My husband napped a little, but I couldn't fall asleep. I have a thing about sleeping in crowds. I don't like to do it. I really find it nearly impossible to do. I'm sure I could analyze why, but we'll save that for another time - or maybe never...

So all morning we watched the weather and waited for word. Would the launch take place or not? The clouds would drift away and then back teasing and taunting us. The announcers stayed cautiously optimistic. Surprise! Surprise! The crowd seemed to pay little attention to the announcers, but I guess it often feels that way in large crowds. Two astronauts, Bruce Melnick and John McBride, spoke to the crowd about their previous missions and the shuttle itself. They took questions and posed for pictures with people.

Orange glow beside the
Vehicle Assembly Building is the launch pad.

Since we couldn't see the launch pad - well, there was a small orange glow visible from where we sat that we were told was the launch pad - the launch pad and the launch preparations were played on a large screen. Photographing that seemed odd, but, hey, you do what you gotta do.

Launch pad on the big screen

The talks and presentations were structured around the idea that children were in the audience, but it remained interesting. Most of the questions were asked by children, but it was quite obvious a few of the parents put their children up to asking. Note to parents, it's always a dead giveaway when your child turns to you and asks you what they're supposed to ask with the mic in their hands.

Eventually, I struck up a conversation with the lady sitting next to me, or she struck up one with me. I'm not sure. All I know is we started talking. Her name was Sarah Jane, and she was there with one of her sons, Brian (I didn't ask for the spelling, so we're going with the i versus y because that's what I want to do. Besides he didn't strike me as a y Brian. I don't know why.) Anyway, she's a retired educator who got bored and went back to work travelling around Florida helping special needs programs update their teaching credentials, but she told me she was resigning from that position soon. She lives in Orlando and said that she could actually see the launches from her house once they reached a certain elevation. She was interesting and friendly if a bit motherly. She was quite concerned about whether or not I had applied sunscreen when the sun finally began to peek through the clouds. Oddly, I thought she was asking me for sunscreen when she inquired and offered her mine to put some on!!

The launch was on, maybe off, definitely on, just waiting on the weather for hours. I started to feel like I was on a roller coaster as we waited to find out if all this waiting was going to result in a climax or a fizzle.

The Astronaut's Hall of Fame

People amused themselves with conversation, watching the traffic slowly inch toward the Kennedy Center Complex, and watching for things in the sky.

Funny how excited people get seeing a fighter plane overhead keeping the airspace clear. Okay, I admit, it made my heart flutter a bit, too, but it was funny to listen to all the chatter about it while we were waiting on a shuttle launch!!!! I mean, seriously, it's like getting excited over the pool at a waterslide park! Okay, I actually would because I'm not a big waterslide fan, but you get the picture.

So finally there we were listening to the "go, no go" countdown. A collective and audible gasp occurred when there was a "no go" on the emergency abort re-entry site. Then a bunch of people mumbling "Did they say "no go?" Then the change to "go" status followed by an audible out breath and a few mumbles of "That's more like it." and variations thereof.

So finally it was all a go. The crowd went back to talking to one another, taking pictures, filming things, eating, and any number of other things. Well, some had never stopped, but it didn't matter.

Then at the thirty-one second mark, they stopped the clock. Oh, crap! I almost cried. We couldn't possibly get that close, and then nothing happen. Oh, no. A fizzle simply was not acceptable. A sensor wasn't showing that an arm retracted as it should have. Once it was checked and verified there was no danger, the clock was restarted. (Okay, are we living in a friggin' movie? Drama city!!)

At launch I was mesmerized by the streak through the air. Then I blinked and it seemed like it was over. I wanted to scream. "Do it again! Do it again!" I got instant replay though on the camera because my husband filmed it! Cool!! Now I can watch it whenever I want!

So we arrived around 4am and waited until 11 something to watch seconds worth of a launch that was quickly obscured by clouds... Wanna know if it was worth it? Absolutely! I got to be there for the very last shuttle launch ever even if my viewing area was twelve miles away and I stayed up all night the night before to make sure I'd be there on time. Even if it was a day in which the events were completely under someone else's control. Even though it meant hours in traffic on the way back to Orlando. Did I mention I slept most of that? Good thing I didn't have to drive. Even the coffee we bought before heading back couldn't keep me awake.

What did I learn? Sometimes life presents an opportunity and you choose to either take it or not. When you do, you just may potentially enrich your life just a little bit... And, not everything has to be perfectly planned... Or even if it is perfectly planned, nothing is certain until it is executed. Nothing is beyond changing at any given moment in time. And, that's what the true meaning of going with the flow is all about - at least I think that's what it's all about. Maybe I'll change my mind in five minutes...

Going with the Flow is Hard Work - Florida Day Four

2011-08-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

We awoke to clouds and pouring rain on our fourth day in Miami. My husband was incredibly amused by this. A big part of my desire to go to Florida was to enjoy the sun, and it appeared the rain followed me there. As we left the hotel, we decided that given the rain, we might as well just go ahead and head back to Orlando since our only plan for the day had been a walk on the beach in the sun! We found a restaurant north of Miami and plugged it into the GPS. I reminded myself to just go with the flow as we left Miami. I wanted to drive along the coast, but the route to the restaurant wasn't going that direction. Deep breath. As my husband pointed out, there was plenty of coast to enjoy after we had breakfast.
Of course, the first place we tried to go to was... well, if it existed it was behind a gate in a gated community, so I'm not sure how we would've gotten to it or at least that's where the GPS took us. After several attempts to argue with the GPS (yeah, now that's going with the flow in action there.), I searched for a new restaurant.
Something called The Pelican Cafe popped up. It was in North Palm Beach which the GPS assured me wasn't far away. So we decided to go there. As soon as we pulled into this cute restaurant with the beautiful floral scent - jasmine, I think - wafting through the air, we were glad we hadn't been able to find the other restaurant. Sometimes going with the flow leads one to something better anyway. The restaurant looked like someone's home. We were greeted with a smile and quickly realized this was a locals' haunt as locals wandered in and conversed with the staff. As we were leaving, we were invited back. I couldn't help but smile. It was Southern hospitality at its best. (Okay, you're going to read some of that in the review of the restaurant, too, so be prepared.)
After we left the restaurant, we continued on our drive North toward Orlando. We were on the A1 highway and quickly realized it wasn't as coastal as we wanted, so I started looking for a way to get us to the A1A. We set out knowing this drive was going to take most of the day and were okay with that. The idea was to enjoy the views with a lesiurely drive. Now, in all honesty, I hoped for the sun to come out and a beach to materialize at the same time, but driving worked since it was raining pretty much all the time.
We arrived to Vero Beach and decided coffee was necessary. Not wanted but needed. We never found the first three places we put into the GPS and finally backtracked to the fourth, Cravings, even though it was off the main highway making it a little out of the way. It was close enough to the beach to take a walk!! At first my uptight side protested. If we stopped for a walk, it would make us late arriving to Orlando. Late for what? I have no idea. Just later than I planned. And, besides, it was still cloudy. What if it started raining again? Then we'd have to ride in the car wet. Never mind there were at least four stores we passed as I was saying this not to mention the suitcases full of clothes in the trunk. I bit my lip as soon as these objections passed my lips. This going with the flow thing was harder than I thought!! And, I actually wanted to go for a walk on the beach, so what the hell was I doing protesting the idea? Geez!
So we parked and headed down to a beautiful beach. We didn't take the camera, so this was really just a walk. Coffee in hand, cookies waiting in the car, we walked. Just walked. I loved feeling the sand beneath my toes and the water washing over my feet and ankles every few steps. Drinking the hot coffee at the same time was refreshing as the cloud cover kept the day from being too hot yet the water splasing my feet and legs was warm enough to not cause cold chills. Still, those clouds threatened to spill their contents with each step we took.
Shortly after we turned to walk back to the car, a wave splashed high enough to soak my shorts. I squealed then laughed. Okay, how funny was that? I mean seriously. I'd been all worried about gettting wet if it started to rain, and the ocean decides to give me what for!! At least it didn't get in my coffee...
Okay, now in all honesty, a few choice words did cross my lips as I contemplated riding the rest of the wayto Orlando in wet shorts. I could've changed but opted not to. So, I did. I wore my wet shorts - after all we were in Florida, so what if the ocean splashed my shorts. Who cared?
A quick note about Vero Beach. I think it might be a nice place to spend a week or so. We even researched staying at one particular hotel that looked really nice from the outside, but, well, that's not likely to happen unless I sell a whole bunch of books - and I do mean a whole bunch...
We continued on our drive. The A1A provides some beautiful scenery and some that is a little dull as well, but it was a nice drive.
We drove through small town after small town. I lost track of which town was which and where one began and the next ended. We passed Patrick AFB, where I saw a helicopter hovering - landing, I think - in the parking lot. I know, too exciting, huh? By that point, it actually kind of was.
Finally, we turned inland at Cape Canaveral.
The drive back to Orlando from there had already become familiar, so my mind wandered - daydreaming - I mean thinking up story ideas.
I wanted to go back to the room and change, but my husband suggested we go eat dinner first. I resisted (see, my first instinct is never to go with the flow.) My shorts were still a little damp. Okay, that was the only argument I could think of. The sad thing is that as soon as my husband said he understood that I was uncomfortable and we could go change first, I changed my mind!! Now, I wanted to go eat first and the shorts were no big deal. Yes, I see how that might seem like I was just being argumentative, but I swear I wasn't. I just thought about it in the few minutes before he expressed his understanding and I decided it really didn't matter if my shorts were still a bit damp. We were in Florida and on vacation. It was about relaxing not making an impression. So we went to eat at Cedars, a Middle Eastern restaurant. If anyone noticed the dampness on my shorts, they wisely kept the knowledge to themselves.
I swear I'm going to master this whole going with the flow someday. I really am going to learn to enjoy the moment I'm standing in and stop worrying about the next one, what I just said or did, or about what people think.
But, my mind right now is making it's argument. What if people use your new "going with the flow" attitude to manipulate you and take advantage of you? What if you never, ever get what you want again because you're so busy going with the flow?
Sighs... This going with the flow thing is hard work...

Going with the Flow Revived - Florida Day Three

2011-07-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

I awoke the morning of our third day in Florida, our only full day in Miami to discover it was raining. Not a little rain that would go away in twenty minutes, but the kind of rain that hangs around all day and messes with your plans. I was determined to live in the moment and enjoy each moment regardless of my struggle the day before. Okay, I still really wanted to go to the beach, but I was willing to just see where the day took us.
First things first, find a place for breakfast. A Google search directed us to The Front Porch (see review on my review blog.) in Miami Beach.

We made the short drive to Miami Beach and found a parking place. In the process, we saw a bunch of stage lights, large cameras, cabling, and a few 1950/60s cars (I think. I'm not good at placing cars in the right decade.) staged on a couple of closed off streets with police officers directing traffic around them. There was no indication what was being shot, but my curiousity was piqued. So much so, I would've gone back and checked it out, but we had parked quite a distance from the restaurant and it was starting to rain harder. I decided it could wait until after breakfast. After all, don't video shoots take hours and sometimes even days?

Waiting on Breakfast - Front Porch Cafe

We arrived at the restaurant grateful the outdoor seating at The Front Porch was covered. We were seated and quickly realized we could hear every word the couple at the next table said which meant they could hear us, too. The tables were close enough together, we could've been dining together to the passerby!

We struck up a conversation. After some advice on places to eat including their advice that we "must" go to David's Cafe (review available at Reviews with TLC), talk about the Miami Beach/South Beach area, and family, conversation turned as it inevitably does to careers. We learned more than we should have, I do believe. Turns out he (no names just in case) is a retired Marine sniper (she told us when he stepped away to take a phone call) who now does "things" mostly in Iraq and Afghanistan for the US goverment through his work with a private contractor. She is a teacher. They've been married a really long time and all their children are grown. They seemed really interesting. I would've liked to have spent more time talking with them, but I think I put my foot in my mouth by asking him about his work. He responded something to the effect of "I do things writers like to write about." to which I replied something to the effect of "But wish didn't have a need to really happen." He got really quiet after that. Oops! My stupid mouth strikes again.

Shortly after our breakfast companions left the restaurant, we finished eating and left ourselves. We'd discovered during breakfast that the video shoot was for a music video. Okay, so it wasn't some movie or television show, but I was still interested in seeing the process. Don't ask why. I just like seeing things I've never seen before. By the time we walked back over to the shoot area, they were wrapping things up. I think I overheard someone say the incessent rain had halted production for the day. (Or perhaps I pieced this together from a smattering of different conversations I was eavesdropping on.) Darn! I didn't get to see any of that after all. And, here I was thinking since it was too rainy to go to the beach, this would make a nice alternative activity for a little while. See, I really was trying to go with the flow.

At this point we opted for a short walk around town with hopes the rain would let up, and we could go take a walk on the beach. I think deep down I'd known even before we left the hotel, this was unlikely to happen because I hadn't bothered to bring my swimsuit. Of course, buying a swimsuit on the spot would've really have been a costly venture... Apparently, swimsuits are much cheaper in states where it's hot year round than in states where it rains most of the year. Go figure!

Cool Tree in Miami Beach

Anyway, after purchasing an umbrella, we began our walk heading in the general direction of David's Cafe. While we were wandering through a little neighborhood - you know houses and apartment buildings instead of hotels and touristy stores - I pointed out an interesting looking tree for my husband to take pictures of. I couldn't believe he missed it!

Cuban Coffee -
David's Cafe

We made it to David's Cafe. It was easy to find. The large men at the entrances surprised us. I giggled. I couldn't help myself. Bouncers at a coffee shop. Were they trying to set some kind of atsmosphere? I didn't get it if they were. We ordered Cuban coffee. Our breakfast companions had also suggested we try the pastry there, but we were both too stuffed from breakfast, so Cuban coffee it was. This was our first experience with Cuban coffee. I loved it. My husband found it too sweet. The waiter replaced his with an unsweetened version but told us that Cuban coffee is traditionally served sweetened. Honestly, I wanted a second cup right then and there, but as it was my second cup of coffee for the day opted to abstain. Apparently, quite a few celebrities have dined at David's Cafe as they have walls of photos of celebrities. I had to take a look. If you're wondering, yes, I did recognize a few faces.

Photo Wall -
David's Care

As we walked back to the car, we started to feel annoyed with all the restaurants trying to get us to eat. Every place we passed someone tried to thrust a menu into our hands. Enough already! After some stops for pictures, we made it back to the car and were happy to find that we didn't have a ticket as our meter had run out a few minutes before we got back.

I guess I wasn't meant to visit the beaches at Miami Beach because every time we tried to go there, another downpour hit! Oh, well next time.

Walking on beach in Key Biscayne

Sea Turtle Nest -
Bill Baggs State Park

We left Miami Beach and headed over to Key Biscayne to see the Cape Florida Lighthouse. The rain let up, so I was finally able to walk on the beach for a bit!! There was a sea turtle's nest taped off. Of course to the naked eye it just looks like sand, which is why they tape it off. Wouldn't it be cool to see baby sea turtles hatch?

Cape Florida Lighthouse

My husband took lots of pictures of the lighthouse. We spent some time walking around the Bill Baggs State Park staying close to the lighthouse. We even had a little fun shooting "trick" photos of the lighthouse and me.

Gotta love camera trickery!

After dinner, we headed back to the hotel to shoot some more potential photos for the cover of my collection of poetry. It's amazing how many shots it takes to get just the right one, but that's coming in another post.

All in all, as I let myself not get caught up in what I was missing and just enjoyed what I was doing, I found it much easier to just have fun. My fear that I might not get to do what I wanted to do during our entire trip melted away. I was in Florida! Time to stop whining and just enjoy!

Going With the Flow Tested - Day Two in Florida

2011-07-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

My second day in Florida seriously tested my resolve to go with the flow. When I say seriously, I mean grit-your-teeth, plant-a-smile, pull-out-the-Southern-charm kind of serious testing. Let's just say "That's nice." popped into my thoughts more than once and many of you know exactly what that means.
In my husband's defense, he did warn me before we even left Oregon that he might need to work a little while we were in Florida. I nodded and told him I understood. I did understand. The week before we left had brought some complications at work, so it wasn't a big surprise.
Plans for day two were something along the lines of the following. Awake early, eat breakfast, and take a nice lesisurely drive down the coast to Miami arriving in Miami some time in late afternoon. Late afternoon but still early enough to go to the beach - at least for a walk.
Actual day two in Florida bears little resemblance to this plan. First we slept much later than planned. Then my husband informed me he needed to work for a little while. I smiled and asked how long. When he said a couple of hours, I suggested we go to an outlet mall we'd passed the night before. He could find wi-fi in a coffee shop there, and I could shop for a couple of clothing items I needed. Yes, needed, I underpacked including packing a pair of shorts with no matching shirt. We decided to skip breakfast since neither of us felt hungry and just grab coffee at the outlet mall. We started our drive to the outlet mall and promptly took a wrong turn. The GPS took us a really long way to get back to the outlet mall, but I was still trying to go with the flow.
On the way to the outlet mall, we passed a Walmart. My husband suggested we stop and get some bottled water since I hadn't drank nearly enough the previous day (actually neither of us had). So we did. Then the "while we're here,we should pick up..." statements started. Now, in stores like Walmart, I'm focused and speedy otherwise they'll trap me for the whole day. My husband tends to move too slowly in those kind of stores for my taste, so I began to get testy.
Finally, we were out of Walmart and back on our way to the outlet mall. For some reason, my husband decided we should do my shopping together and then go find a coffee shop. That would have certainly defeated the purpose. The whole point was to give me something to do other than watch him type email. I tried to express this nicely but felt my intent wasn't getting through. Finally, I found the coffee shop for him and sent him to do his work.
Eventually, after I bought two shirts, he sent his work emails and I checked my email, we were on our way to Miami. By the time we left Orlando it was early afternoon. My "go with the flow" attitude got lost somewhere at the outlet mall. I was irritated because my plans for the day were shot. There was going to be no beach for the second day!
Okay, now to be honest, I still thought I was going with the flow. I thought I was being little miss understanding and supportive; however, my husband disagreed. The more I tried to figure out how to adjust our plans, the more annoyed he got with me for being so negative. Perhaps my tone belied my frustration or perhaps he was feeling sensitive... I don't know.
At first he was convinced we could still get to Miami in time to take a walk on the beach. I pointed out that food would have to come first. The scone and coffee I ate at Starbucks wasn't exactly a full meal and stopping for lunch would only delay our arrival to Miami. Finally, I just shut my mouth and stared out the window. It felt like every word I said made things worse. There was probably a bit of pouting, too. So much for going with the flow.
By the time we arrived in Miami the sun was starting to set. At first I thought we might still make it to the beach for a short walk, but then my husband remembered he needed another memory disk for the camera. So, it was off to find another Walmart... Oh joy! And, there goes the beach for sure...
New plan: Let's enjoy Miami's nightlife. That's my plan anyway. My husband isn't big on bars, dance clubs, or other night life to be perfectly honest. And, I've kind of resigned myself to that. I rarely even suggest we try those kinds of things anymore as it usually leads to disappointment. Still, I wanted to salvage the day.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the scenery while we drove. It just wasn't... well, what I'd planned.
I went to change while my husband called the front desk to inquire about some place for dinner and some place to listen to music or dance or something. He was trying to accommodate my request. I have to give him credit for that.
I wanted a restaurant where I could look out at the water while I ate. My husband wanted to stay within walking distance of the hotel. Well, the hotel staff sent us to a place where that was supposed to be possible. Uh, not quite. Oh, well. After dinner, we took a quick walk along the bay. That worked - sort of. Then we headed to another place for a little "nightlife". If by nightlife, they meant open late, well, there you go. It wasn't my definition, but it turned out okay. We sat outdoors, ate dessert, drank coffee and chatted with the waiter... and chatted with the waiter... and chatted with the waiter. Oh, and my husband took some photos of the street - playing with his new camera, or as he put it learning to use his new camera.
I finally let myself relax while we were sitting at this outdoor restaurant/club. As soon as I started just enjoying the moment instead of focusing on what I didn't get to do, I found my smile and even laughter again.
We ended the night in the hotel room taking pictures for hours of scenes that might work for the cover of the book of poetry. And, while it wasn't what I'd envisioned yet again, the results held great promise...
Will I ever get the hang of going with the flow? I have no idea. I think I have a fear that if I go with the flow, I'll be a pushover and never get what I want.

Fears, Distractions, and Going with the Flow

2011-07-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

The plan today was to continue sharing my Florida experience and experiment of going with the flow with you, but I can't concentrate on that right now. We'll return to that program tomorrow. That said, I guess this interruption is in a sense another exercise in going with the flow.

Meme eyeing her new bed...

Today, my cat, Meme, is having a full mouth teeth extraction. My heart is aching. I miss having her jump on my lap and knead the hell out of legs leaving me looking like I have little pin pricks all over my thighs. I miss her meowing just to let me know she's in the house. I miss her pushing my keyboard away from my hands, so she can sit on my lap. I miss her jumping on my desk and swatting my screen. Okay, yeah, she's my naughty, self-centered, little diva, but I love her for it.

Meme on my desk searching for treasure

If you're reading this without knowing the story, here's the background. Ever since Meme came to live with us as a kitten, she's had problems with her mouth. Infections, refusing to chew, bleeding from her gums, terrible breath, etc. She pushed her mouth against things including my hands in odd ways. She dug at her mouth with her claws. She refused to clean her butt and didn't groom herself well. Eventually, we figured out it was because her mouth hurt. After antibiotics she would groom like a normal cat, stop the incessant digging at her mouth, etc.until symptoms of infection returned. After going through several attempts at treatment for various things, our vet, Dr. Eric Glaze, a the Albany Animal Hospital diagnosed her with a genetic condition that means she would continue to be in pain and have frequent infections in her mouth for her whole life. The only treatment is a full mouth tooth extraction. We sought a second opinion from a specialist. She agreed with Dr. Glaze. We discussed the implications of her no longer having teeth. We watched her improve slightly on the meds but not enough to have a normal life. We tried desperately to find another option but couldn't. So surgery it is.

Now, Meme is in surgery having all her teeth removed.
I fear, irrationally, that she will see this as punishment or will hate us for it. I fear she'll lose that "me me me" attitude that earned her her name. I fear she'll not understand that this is to make her feel better and improve her health and quality of life. I fear she'll miss having her teeth. I fear I'll do something to mess up her recovery. It occurs to me that I'm playing all the "what ifs", and that sometimes "what ifs" are simply fears that drive us to distraction - and perhaps a little crazy.
Then I stop for a moment and remember. This is a cat who wakes me up every morning with hugs of a sort. She pushes her head under my hand for pets over and over. Then presses her little face against me and looks up at my face not once, not twice but repeatedly. If I try to get out of bed before she feels her snuggle time is over, she gently places her paws on me and pushes. She knows exactly what she wants and she's never afraid to go after it. You have to admire her tenacity.

Todd grooming Meme

She and Todd, one of our other cats, came to live with us at the same time. I noticed today that he's looking in all her hiding places. He took me to her feeding place and meowed. He demanded to be let in the garage where of course he saw me take her and then come back without her. I can't seem to get him to understand that she's at the doctor and will be home later today. Go figure!

Meme and Kit Greeting One Another

She and Kit, our oldest cat, have a bit of a love/hate relationship. What do you expect? Two females fighting for dominance. Yet, on occasion, I catch them being nice to each other and even sleeping in the same general vicinity.
Funny how quiet the house seems today. Yes, Meme is a bit of a talker, but it's something different than that. It's like the energy in the house is somehow quiet, subdued. Maybe that's just my mood reflecting back at me...
So as I sit here trying to write about Florida and going with the flow, my thoughts are on Meme, her surgery, and her after-surgery care.
I've already called to check on her once and am resisting the urge to call again. I know they'll let me know when she's in recovery and if anything goes wrong. Still, I hate not being able to do anything. That's the control freak in me screaming for attention. I'm trying to quiet her.
Occasionally, a few doubts arise. I'm sure we did the right thing, but tooth extraction is not reversible. Once this is done, it's done. And, even as I write this, it's too late to turn back. I have comeplete faith in my vet and his staff, so my doubts have nothing to do with them. It's just a reminder that some decisions in life can't be unmade...ever...

Kennedy Space Center or Going with the Flow...

2011-07-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

It was our first day in Florida. We got off the plane around seven in the morning, grabbed a quick and disappointing breakfast at a restaurant whose name I can't remember, located the hotel we couldn't check in to yet, and bought a few supplies. Then we decided the intelligent thing to do was determine exactly how long it would take us to drive to the Astronaut's Hall of Fame in Titusville where we would watch the shuttle launch on July 8th, so we made the drive.

So far, this was exactly what I'd expected for the morning, but, I wanted to to find a beach and stare at the water for a while. Maybe take a little dip in the ocean, but I was still undecided on that one. I really wanted to do something where there would be no photos taken, I wouldn't feel selfconscious, and very little energy would be required. When my husband suggested we see if the Kennedy Space Center was open, I took one look at his excited face and decided not to remind him I wanted to go relax on the beach. So the Kennedy Space Center it was. Remember, I'm practicing at going with the flow...

I looked down at my sleeveless, coral t-shirt. Somehow it had gotten so stretched out on the plane, it looked a bit indecent. I looked in the mirror and rolled my eyes. My hair looked like... well, like what it was - unwashed and unbrushed... I didn't quite have the courage to sniff my underarms... I groaned. People and pictures looking like a wreck. Oh joy!

We pulled in the Kennedy Space Center parking lot. It was open but not too crowded. I decided it might be okay after all. I looked in the mirror again and adjusted my shirt yet again. This just wasn't going to work. A few minutes later, I stood at the trunk of the car, opened my suitcase, applied fresh deodorant and brushed my hair. Yes, standing in the parking lot. I pulled a shirt out of the suitcase and stared at it for a minute trying to decide whether to just risk it and change right there or find a more secluded spot. I ended up doing something I haven't done in years. I changed my shirt in the back seat of the car. I pulled off the stretched out t-shirt and sat there in my bra and shorts feeling... well, rather free... Then I pulled the fresh shirt over my head, ran the brush through my hair again, and stepped out, smiling. "I'm ready."

There's a lot of the stuff you would expect at the Kennedy Space Center. Displays of shuttles, rockets, cardboard cutouts that look like astronaut suits you can stick your head through and look like... well, like you're sticking your head through a cardboard cutout, a ride that "simulates" a shuttle launch from inside the cockpit (yeah, right!), and a bus tour of the space center. There are also a couple of other tours that sounded pretty interesting but neither was available that day. Oh, and let's not forget the multiple gift shops...

We signed up for the bus tour and headed in. My husband was anxious to start seeing things.

I shook my head and sighed. My energy was positively drained, so I bought a cup of fake energy - that's right folks, coffee - well, a latte to be precise. Then we noticed the next bus tour was about to leave. They leave every fifteen minutes, so we rushed over to catch the bus.

I settled into my seat on the bus and started sipping my coffee. Honestly, I was disappointed. Air-conditioned car to air-conditioned bus. When was I going to get to enjoy the heat and humidity. (I see you rolling your eyes. Go ahead. Done now? Can we return to our regularly scheduled programming?) And, the latte wasn't so great either, but it was caffeine. Caffeine that was badly needed at that point. I stared out the window while my husband played with his camera. He got a new one for this trip...

The bus driver told us something. Huh? Oh, well, missed that. Then a video started playing telling us about... the space program, what we were seeing, etc. etc. Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention. I was daydreaming - or as we writers like to call it, imagining story ideas. :-)

My husband took pictures of the Vehicle Assembly Building which apparently is one of the largest buildings in existence by cubic footage and apparently is where things are assembled. God, I'm as bad as a child. All I saw a building with a huge American flag and the NASA symbol painted on it. Now, if they'd let me go inside... but, well, that wasn't going to happen.

We reached the Observation Gantry where a crawler-transporter was parked nearby. Now that was cool! It's huge and looks like it can actually do something! Well, it does. It transports the shuttle from the Vehicle Assembly Building to the launch pad at a very slow but steady and safe pace. I wanted to ride - or at least sit - on it, but it was behind lock and key. All the fun stuff was off-limits...

There was a Space Shuttle Main Engine in the Observation Gantry. It projected a certain artistry and beauty in its design, at least to my eye. (and, no, I don't know who the guy in the pic is.) From the Observation Gantry we could see the launch pad and views of the surrounding area including the Vehicle Assembly Building and other launch pads. Placards along the way described what was visible from a given area.

The view of the launch pad from the three levels varied slightly. Atlantis was already on the launch pad but wasn't visible though the top of the external fuel tank (the orange thing) and one of the solid rocket boosters (the white thing next to the orange thing) was. We spent a lot of time at the Observation Gantry. They had those little observation things you put a quarter (is it still a quarter? I didn't check.) in to see the shuttle launch pad better, but we used the long lens on the camera to get a better view instead.

The second stop on the bus tour was the Apollo/Saturn V Center. This started with a video and moved on to another video. The second was in front of the command center. It was interesting. I hope this stuff is taught in history classes but wondered based on some clueless faces I noticed. After the second video, we were released into a musuem where much Apollo memorabilia was on display. Exiting through the gift shop was a requirement.

Back at the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex, we decided to ride the Shuttle Launch Experience... Okay, it seemed like an interesting change of pace from taking pictures. Here's the gist of it. They give you a lot of warnings, a narrator talks through abbreviated launch procedures, and you shake a lot. Let's be honest, it's designed for children at least 44-inches tall to be able to ride, so it's not going to rock an adult's world by any means. Still, it provided a silly break in the day.

In the Visitor's Complex, visitors are on their own to browse the Memorial, the shuttle, the rocket garden, and so on. So we wandered around and posed for pictures. And posed for pictures. And posed for pictures. Oh, and did I mention we posed for pictures.

There are some really cool things to see at the Kennedy Space Center, and I'm glad we took the day to spend there if for no other reason than the view from the Observation Gantry, especially through the camera lens, made not being able to see the launch pad on launch day a little easier to handle.
And, to think I wanted to waste the day sitting on the beach...

Florida! Could You Be My New Love?

2011-07-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, I love Florida. It's official. After a week there, I was ready to move. Yes, it rained and stormed two solid days, but guess what, it was still warm out. I didn't have to find a sweat shirt or a coat or go buy long pants. I wore my shorts and my sleeveless shirts. I wasn't freezing. Yes, it was hot and humid the other days. Yes, the sun was even punishingly hot at times. Yes, forgetting to put sunscreen on any part of my exposed skin was a huge mistake and resulted in a sunburn in a short period of time in the sun. And, yet I felt free, comfortable, and happy.
As soon as I stepped out of the Orlando International Airport at somewhere around seven o'clock in the morning on July 4th, I smiled. The rush of heat and humidity felt like coming home. I know. I'm weird. It's okay, you're not the first to think so. Now, I have to admit not being able to check into the hotel until four in the afternoon started to wear on me fairly quickly after flying all night. After all, my last shower was hours before we boarded our flight. I felt like I needed a shower, to wash my hair, and to change my shirt...
I went to Florida looking for the sun and the heat. Oregon tends to be very rainy and it's a cold rainy. As much as I love rain, the cold rain begins to wear on me after a while. I miss my summers in the South. That's just the way it is.
While in Florida, I visited the Kennedy Space Center, spent a day and two nights in Miami, took three walks on the beach, posed for photos for the cover of my upcoming book of poetry, watched the last shuttle launch, met some nice people, and got to see three fabulous friends. Were there things that would've made the trip better or more perfect? Sure, I can think of a few, but those are just reasons to go back!
Over on my reviews, blog, Reviews with TLC, I will be reviewing the hotels and restaurants from our visit over the next several days. If you're interested, check there often in the next couple of weeks.
I will also be posting a few more blogs here about the trip, my observations, my thoughts and feelings, etc.
And, in the process I'll be looking for excuses for a return trip to Florida... Feel free to make suggestions.

The Past Invades

2011-07-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

Once there was a girl who was best friends with a guy. She told him he was like the brother she never had. She told him she loved him like a brother. He told her he was in love with her. She laughed it off. He said he was just kidding. She wondered which was true. She told him her deepest secrets. She told him her secret pain. She told him her dreams, even the outrageous ones. She told him everything. He told her his ambitions. He told her how he envisioned his future. He told her he'd always protect her. She trusted him like no other.

Then one day he betrayed her in a way that crumbled her foundation. He turned her trust in him back on her and destroyed her ability to trust her own judgment. He hurt her more than anyone ever had and told her he did it for her own good. She cried. She hid. She tried to disappear. She became self-destructive. She dreamed about ways to die. She dreamed about ways to punish herself. She lost herself and everything that made her her. She looked in the mirror and saw simply a shell of who she had once been. She knew no one else could see there was no longer anything in that shell - just emptiness. She rejected anything good that came near her. She ran from anything kind that approached. She hid from any offer of love. She embraced that which would inflict pain because feeling pain was better than the numbness and the emptiness she felt.

Slowly, she began to realize she wasn't responsible for his actions. He chose his behavior. In hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have ignored some things, but at the time they hadn't raised any alarms. People who said "I could've told you" were also speaking from hindsight or else they really weren't friends. She wanted to say "Why didn't you?" but instead let them make her feel like she was an idiot for missing what others saw.

Eventually, she began to heal. She began to open her heart to the world again and not just for show. She began to build a future again. She began to let people back into her inner circle. She began to reach out to others. Always slowly, cautiously and not necessarily steadily but forward motion nonetheless.

Then one day she sat on a bus in a faraway town looking out the window. She heard a voice that sounded just like... his. Her heart stopped then raced. Her fists clenched. Her crossed legs squeezed together as tightly as possible. She had to remind herself to breathe. She unclenched her left fist and pressed the nails into her leg until it hurt. She slowly turned. The face wasn't his, but that voice. She stared a little harder than she should have trying to convince herself her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. No, it wasn't his face. She could see that clearly. Still she felt her gaze move down to the man's shin and calf muscle looking for the nasty scar that would identify him if it was. She couldn't remember which leg, so she checked one leg and then the other. Right leg? No scar. Left leg? No scar.

Still, that voice.

She willed her breath in and out, her heart to beat normally, her hands to unclench, and her legs to relax. The man spoke to the young girl with him - his daughter, she presumed. She listened. There was that sound in his voice. But the more he talked the more differences she noticed. Yet, she couldn't help staring every time his voice hit one of the similarities. The memories flooded her for a few moments. She tried to force them away. It took several attempts before she was successful.

As she convinced her mind of the reality that the man wasn't him, she felt a need to apologize for thinking even for a second he could've been. She knew that was ridiculous. The man would think she was crazy yet... There was no way he even knew what his voice had triggered in her mind and thrusting that knowledge upon him would've been unfair, possibly even selfish and almost certainly misunderstood.

So she kept quiet. She told no one. She kept it all inside where it belonged. It was her problem just as it always had been. Yet in that moment she knew she wasn't as free of her past as she wanted to believe...

Perfect If...

2011-07-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying as a writer I rather enjoy playing the "What if..." game sometimes - well when I'm in control of the game and it doesn't take control of me - because it often leads to some pretty awesome story lines. Thinking what if I'd made that decision instead of the one I made. Thinking what if I run into a friend I haven't seen in years. Thinking what if I run into that person who not only broke my heart and ripped it to shreds but set it on fire and urinated on it before handing it back to me with a sly smile that said you'll never forget me now will you. I've played these what if games and used the different scenarios to generate stories and poetry.

The mental exercise I often tend to not like is "This would be perfect if..." or "The only thing missing is..." Now, don't misunderstand, these can also be great exercises to find story ideas or to fix scenes that aren't working. The problem with these scenarios is they tend to take us out of wonderfully enjoyable moments to focus on what's missing. As a writer, it's a useful tool. As a human being, it's often distracting and sometimes even destructive. Okay, so you might be thinking, can't the what if game have the same pitfalls? Well, probably, but I find the what if game easier to control. It usually comes in quiet moments not in the middle of having a fun time or exploring a new experience.

Recently while I was in Florida, the second mental exercise kept interrupting my fun. I became quite annoyed with myself because before we arrived I vowed to myself that I was going to live in the moment so I could just enjoy each moment as it came. For the most part, I did. When these fleeting thoughts would interfere, I'd mentally ask them, "Really? It seems fabulous right now. Do we really need perfection? And would that really bring perfection or just a whole different set of circumstances to ponder?" Usually this worked to bring me back into the present moment.

I had one full day in Miami. It rained the entire day. Now, at first I was bummed. Then I stepped outside. Yes, it was raining, but it was warm out. I wasn't freezing like I would've been in Oregon. Yes, I would've preferred to see the sun and feel its warmth on my face, but rain what was I got. I could whine about how the day would be perfect if only the sun would shine or I could embrace the moment and enjoy it. I chose to do the latter. Okay, it took me a few minutes to get there. After all, it wasn't what I'd planned. Did that really matter? No, it didn't. I had two choices, enjoy what was in front of me or mope about what wasn't.

There were other "perfect if" moments throughout the week, but I let go of them more easily than I have in the past. So, while it's not perfection, I'll take it. Hopefully, it'll be even easier next time to just enjoy the moment and stop worrying about what would make it perfect. I plan to practice every day.

Every time I have a "perfect if" moment, I'm going to pause for a moment to figure out if I'm just sabotaging the moment or if there is really something that needs changed. I've found that most of the time, the answer is that the moment at hand is "perfect enough" if we let it be.

So here's to "perfect enough" moments and the smiles they bring!!

My Year of Gratitude: The Halfway Mark

2011-07-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the halfway point in my year of gratitude project.

At the beginning of the year, I decided I wanted to live in a more positive place. I wanted to focus on the good in my life, fix the fixable bad, and let the rest go. I thought one way to do this would be to focus more on the positive things in my life.

In the 1990s, I kept a gratitude journal of sorts. I would write in my journal and then at the end of that, write down a list of things for which I felt grateful each day. It helped me see that there were lots of things in my life to be grateful for, many of them very simple things. Over time as I journaled less, I also quit keeping the gratitude journal.

I found myself growing more negative and focused on the problems instead of the solutions in life and in my writing. Last Fall I decided I needed to do something to change this focus, so I started keeping my gratitude journal again.

By January 2011, I had some thoughts in place on what I wanted to do. So I made a plan.

I would begin each morning with a gratitude meditation. I would sit and simply think about all the things in my life about which I have to feel grateful every morning. Okay, good start, but it wasn't enough. I then decided to make my gratitude public to a certain extent. I decided that each morning I would pick one item from my gratitude meditation and make that my first Facebook status of the morning. I also decided to challenge myself because I wanted to go deeper than surface gratitude - the things we can be grateful for easily and without thought. So I decided every day for one year that my gratitude status would have to be unique. If it hit a theme from another day, it had to have something about it that made it different than the previous one. The other rule was that if I stated I was grateful for certain things that are easy to be grateful for, I had to state why. For example, I couldn't just say I was grateful for my house. I had to figure out why I was grateful for my house. I didn't do this to make being grateful difficult. I did this to push myself to really feel the gratitude and understand the positives behind the gratitude. I wanted to find deeper gratitude. I wanted to find gratitude that could serve as a foundation for positive living. I didn't want my gratitude meditation to become rote, a task to mark off a list, or to feel like a chore.

I also decided to resume my gratitude journal. Since I no longer journal the events of my day, this would be purely a list of things from that day for which I felt grateful. This list could include the mundane with no explanation. It could be as long or as short as I chose each day. It could be as silly or as serious as I wanted. It could be the place where I included the things I wanted to keep private.

Yesterday marked the halfway point - six months of beginning and ending each day with gratitude. I only missed six days posting a gratitude statement on Facebook. In addition, I did post the one for January 1st on January 2nd. Four of the days I missed, I was sick. I'm guessing that gratitude was in short supply, but I know I felt too bad to log on to Facebook. The other two days were a weekend when I opted to take a break from my computer. On those days, I did my gratitude meditation, I just didn't post anything.

So you may be wondering if this has helped me feel more positive. So far, yes it has. It helps me to remember what's good in my life even when life is difficult. Or maybe especially when life is difficult. When I begin my day by going to a place of gratitude, I find it easier to see good in the rest of my day. When I end my day with gratitude, it reminds me that no matter what trials I faced there was some good in there. I find I smile more easily and laugh a little more readily.

Now, I'm not turning into some kind of a pollyanna or little miss susie sunshine. I'm still me. I've not lost the analytical or the slightly cynical me. I'm not blinding myself to reality. I'm just no longer dwelling on what goes wrong as much. I feel more open to possibilities. Okay, I still question the hell out of them, but I'm more open to them. I'm allowing the good things to hang around without looking for some crushing blow to end them. I'm seeing beauty in more things. I'm accepting my life in the moment even while I strive to change the things I don't like.

Don't get me wrong there are days when I sit down to do my gratitude meditation and my mind goes completely blank. I can't think of a single thing about which I feel grateful. I stare at the wall in front of me. I close my eyes. I start going over events from the most recent days. And, nothing. The worst day I had was when I finally ended up being grateful that when I didn't feel grateful I knew I would later. Some days it almost feels too easy. I'm flooded with moments that elicit gratitude. And, some days I wake up with the things for which I'm grateful listing themselves before I'm even fully aware I'm awake. I rather like those days yet I'm appreciative of those days when gratitude is hard to find. It makes me appreciate the good that much more.

My focus on gratitude has helped my writing because it reminds me that I'm grateful for inspiration, for the words I write, for the readers who read my work, and for the buyers who buy my work. I'm grateful I get to share my experience with others and hopefully help them find something to make life a little better, even if it's just a smile or a moment of empathy for others.

So I'll check in again at the end of the year and let you know if my year of gratitude changed my life. In the meantime, I encourage you to give gratitude a try. If you do, let me know if it changes your life.

Hello!

2011-06-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Here I am moving my blog again...
I started blogging on MySpace and moved to a blog hosted by my website provider, http://writewithtlc.tlcooper.com/. I love that blog and plan to continue writing about many of the same topics here - writing, publishing, inspiration, life, etc.
I made this move to improve my offerings to you, my readers, and to hopefully make it a more enjoyable experience for us all! As I understand it, there are things I can do here that I just couldn't do on my old blog! Hopefully, we'll have some fun with that and learn something new along the way.
The old blog will remain live and can be referenced at any time. I will even likely link back to it from time to time as life is a continuing journey that builds our future on our todays and our yesterdays!
For those who are finding me for the first time, take a minute to look at some of the posts on the old blog if you wish, but don't forget to come back here. This is where the fun will be from now on!