Write with TLC

Forgiveness is not some supernatural event that fixes everything. It can't be. Asking it to be is too much to expect as well as absolving us the work it takes to right a wrong or at least acknowledge a wrong that can't be righted. Forgiveness is all about accountability and absolves no one from the need for accountability. Forgiveness is essential to life. It allows hurts to mend, amends to be made, and offers a way to move forward. Sometimes that forgiveness allows people to move forward together, but sometimes it helps them move forward apart. When they move forward together, that's growing closer. When they move forward apart, that's finding closure. Both are important at different times in life. Forgiveness isn't something we do for the other person. It's a gift we give ourselves. It's a letting go of what's beyond our control. It's an acceptance of what happened and whose accountable. Forgiveness allows us to stop clinging to the mud miring us i...

An analysis of my life has shown me time and again how interwoven strength and vulnerability are. I can see times in my life when I struggled to be strong and when I hid my vulnerability. I have often put up a tough exterior to hide my incredibly fragile vulnerability as well as my incredibly fragile inner strength. It seemed like my inner strength intimidated people and my vulnerability offered them ammunition against me, so I learned to hide both behind a tough exterior. I feared having my vulnerability used against me and my strength scaring people  away . Hiding both my strength and my vulnerability became yet another mask I wore to  protect myself from the people in my life. I didn't quite understand how to be both strong and vulnerable with others without putting myself at risk.  Other times I'd overshare with people as a test to see who would stay and who would leave. I get to choose who sees different aspects of my life. I didn't understand the idea that some peop...

Recently during a conversation, a friend described me as being passionate about my beliefs. This was stated as a compliment, and I took it as one even though it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Over the next few days, I reflected on this statement "you're passionate about your beliefs" and finally understood why it made me uncomfortable. I can certainly understand why someone would think I'm passionate about my beliefs, but I don't think I am. I am very passionate about my values but not so much about my beliefs. I am fairly certain this is where some readers are ready to shout "semantics", but it's not, really. My beliefs are subject to change when the facts supported by research warrant the change. My values, on the other hand, are much harder, some impossible, to convince me to change. I have cultivated my values over the course of my life in a way that informs my life, how I live in the world, and how I interact with others. I am proudly passion...

Recently while looking for a way to address my waning ability to focus, I remembered a presentation on ways to get back on track when one's writing suffers I'd been asked to give a few years ago. I dug through my files and found it. As I read it, I realized many of the items could apply to anyone, not just writers, who felt overwhelmed, stuck, or discouraged while working on a project, but I also realized I've developed new techniques since.  So, before we start, let's take a moment. I'd tell you to close your eyes, but then you couldn't read the next part. Take a deep breath and exhale. Another one. Let go of your day. Focus your thoughts on a project that you're struggling to complete. Don't focus on the why, just on the project itself. Imagine it completed and how you feel. Imagine abandoning the project and how you feel. Imagine working on it and how you feel. Now, I suggest you close your eyes as you imagine all that again while you slowly inhale an...

Sometimes we're going about life and all seems to be running smoothly. The bills are paid. Work is going well. There's even a few dollars in the savings account. Family and friends are healthy and happy. Pets are doing well. We even have time to play. Life is working. We relax. We think "I could get used to this." Then boom... boom... boom... Life interrupts itself. Still, we're certain we can handle what's coming our way. This one thing and that one. It throws our schedule all wonky, but it's temporary. We can handle it. We know we can. We set up systems and plans and schedules because we know that's the best way to keep on track or at least stay close to on track. But... Life has other ideas. The next thing we know, our priorities have completely shifted and we're doing good to keep the basics done because life has decided all our planning is a joke. Life sets out to prove that all those ways we learned to cope with the expected unexpected won...

I was reminded of this poem from my book, Reflections in Silhouette: Poems while working on the blog post, Masks of Me . I decided to share it. The Mask One day I put on a mask To make you love me Not because you asked But because I feared The look in your eyes Disappointment, I believe it was So I  Settled the mask into place Tweaked it Made it beautiful Perfected it to make you happy Created exactly what Made you smile Turned the look in your eye to approval Made you love me As time passed I deceived myself I accepted the mask as The real me I forgot who I was under The mask When the mask cracked As they will  I quickly – before anyone could see Plastered the cracks Filled in the holes Blended the paint Hid the damaged and weakened foundation Corrected its imperfections Settled the mask back into place When the mask slipped As they will I quickly – before anyone could see Pushed it around to make it fit Smoothed the borders Adjusted it so you wouldn’t notice Ignored the eve...

For much of my life, every time I let me out to play, work, or live, something went wrong. Someone would hurt me, or I would hurt someone.  I’d lose a friend. I would disappoint someone. I’d see that look of judgment. Mostly though I ended up feeling like I didn't belong, that I didn't fit in, that something was wrong with me. I would then retreat behind my mask and secure it in place. I was reminded of how prevalent my mask has been in my life recently while reading  Love Warrior  by Glennon Doyle. She describes her representative in much the same way I've often described putting on my mask for the world. Her descriptions of her reactions to expectations and conformity lined up far more with my experience than I want to acknowledge. I squirmed in my seat every time she referred to her representative. In fact, I kept wanting to change the word representative to mask because it lined up so well with my experience with my mask. I was drawn back to Glennon's descri...

  Here we are again... At the end of another year! I had such big plans for 2020! Yeah.... Sighs! I really want to write some empowering, inspiring, hopeful words right now, but they're not coming. They will come again but not today. I have never been one to think the clock ticking over to a new year is anything more than arbitrary. It changes nothing other than the number we have to write on dated material and resetting the tax year... It doesn't make us more whatever it is we want to be. It doesn't erase whatever bad we want to ignore. It doesn't change our habits or goals or daily lives. There is some comfort in that as well as some discomfort in it. It would be nice if that tick would actually reset things and make them better. If it would push us into a new phase or place or purpose, but it doesn't. I hear many people saying things like "I can't wait for this year to be over." and I've even caught myself saying it. Then I wonder why. I know th...

I recently read A Collection of Poems by Robert Frost . It's a beautiful book and one I'd been salivating over for a while, ever since I saw it in Costco several months ago. It is filled with poems that speak to my heart, my imagination, my core. I was thumbing through one day while reading - yeah, I was looking ahead - and came across Nothing Gold Can Stay , and the first thought that popped in my head was "Stay gold, Ponyboy." I stopped in my tracks as a shiver went up my spine and a smile slid across my face. I remembered in that moment the first time I read The Outsiders   by S. E. Hinton . The first time I read Nothing Gold Can Stay in the book, The Outsiders , the first time I heard the poem aloud in the movie , the first time I read the letter at the end of the book, the first time I heard the letter at the end of the movie... Robert Frost and The Outsiders are forever linked in my memory because of this poem. S. E. Hinton used Nothing Gold Can Stay to...

Together Alone We sit so far away Yet so close in heart Every thought holds you near Every emotion gives me hope Every teardrop mends the tears I listen for your words As we stare into the sky Looking for ways to feel We aren’t so far apart I see you on the street Step aside – six feet Keep you safe Keep me safe So that one of these days All this time alone Will lead to us being together We’ve gotten through worse We’ve survived arguments and hurtful words We’ve gone our separate ways for far worse reasons Yet now as we contemplate when we’ll next see each other A virtual hug A virtual kiss A virtual cup of tea Is all we can give As we navigate this reality So that someday, some time in the future Hopefully sooner rather than later We can cross the street to stand Hand to hand Smile to smile Hug Kiss Drink a cup of tea Laugh about that time The one time when the world Forced us to be isolated When we had to find ways to be Together al...

As I watch reaction to the Corona COVID-19 virus, I'm struck by the extremes. I see every reaction from panic to those who are mocking anyone who takes it seriously. I have one friend who is a health professional who is mocking people for taking the threat seriously. Sighs! I suppose I fall someplace in the middle. I don't feel panicked. I also won't be mocking anyone for taking the threat seriously, even if they take it a bit more seriously than I do. Perhaps they have a good reason. For me, I'm choosing to take precautions, perhaps a few more than usual, but I'm not drastically changing my life. Given my whole food plant-based diet that focuses on anti-inflammatory and anti-oxidant foods and my overall good health, if I get it at all I'm likely to be one of those people who get it so mildly that my risk of spreading it would be higher than my risk of getting seriously ill. So, yes, I'm being a bit more cognizant because my immediate circle of loved o...

Sometimes we set goals and think we have everything all figured out only to have life shift under our feet like sand on the beach. Then we have to figure out what to do. We can give up. We can switch directions and look for better footing. We can re-evaluate the path we're on. We can keep digging our feet into the sand refusing to accept reality. I've done all of these at one time or another. This year was a year of shifting goals, and for the first time ever I felt like I moved with the changes without completely sinking into the sand. I felt like I kept my goals rooted on a steady foundation even when I faltered. I started the year with several goals. As the year progressed, I began to see how some of those goals needed major adjustments while others needed minor adjustments and still others needed to be packed away for the time being. As I face the end of the year, I can see clearly that my goals for the year are still in flux. I'm not going to meet a couple of...

We all have dreams. Resolutions are easy to make. Goals are how dreams and resolutions are met. We set goals all the time even if we don't write them down, speak the aloud, or share them with others. Goals fill a scale from the minuscule to the gigantic. What makes a goal attainable is all the little goals we set along the way. It's those small steps we often don't think of as goals. It's the daily task on the way to the goal. When I shifted my mindset to think of my daily tasks as mini-goals, I found it much easier to achieve my goals. Though sometimes I've fallen into the trap of over-congratulating myself for meeting those smaller goals on the way to the bigger goal. Yet, those smaller goals along the way help me to see I'm making progress even when it feels like I'm not. This year I set a goal to finish 3 books I've had in the works for awhile. Confession, I'm not going to make it. The other day, I started to beat myself up about not meet...

Sometimes it's easy to only see our own point of view. It's the default mode. It takes an effort to look at someone and say with sincerity "I want to hear your side of the story." Usually, we're only willing to hear someone else's side of the story when we're backed into a corner. Interesting how that works. It helps us hang on to our own narrative and shields us from confronting our biases. Yet, when we take a deep breath and open ourselves to hearing another person's side of the story, we invite compassion and understanding into our relationships, into our lives, into our selves. So why is it so incredibly hard to do? We claim we're interested in each other. We claim we're interested in the truth. We claim we're interested in connecting. Yet, so often when the story doesn't fit the narrative in our hearts and minds, our defenses go up and we shut out the other story. I tell myself time and again I'm going to be open to...