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The flip side of fear of success is fear of failure. Both end up in paralysis, have some of the same triggers, and share some of the same roots. It can be hard to discern which is which. I've struggled with both, and at times still do. Fear of failure for me was a need to be perfect. I equated perfection with love. I could only be loved if I was perfect. I could only be perfect if I was successful at everything. Failure wasn't an option. An "A" was never good enough in school. Everything I did could be better.  Early in my life I developed a fear of failure that at times has stifled my creativity, my progress, and even lead to complete inaction. In some ways my fear of failure contributed to my later fear of success. I started life confident that I could and would do whatever I wanted, but as I began to encounter those little digs that meant I could never be perfect and the harder I tried to be perfect, the more my imperfections haunted me. When I was assaul...

A few of the self-help books I read to address my fear of success. I've always been a very determined, ambitious person. Yet, there came a time when I realized that every time I got close to reaching a goal, I'd somehow sabotage it or I'd minimize my accomplishments . I shied away from publicizing my work. I started to play small when I most needed to be seen. I couldn't quite understand what was happening. At first I thought I feared failure, but I'd feared failure most of my life (more on this next week). This felt different. This behaved differently. Yet, I ended up reaching the same stalemate. Over time I started to see how often I downplayed what I did well and focused on what I did poorly. It dawned on me that I had somehow begun to fear success. At first I dismissed this as silly. Who fears success? I didn't even think that was a thing, which is strange since I studied psychology. How the hell could someone whose whole life had been about achievin...

I have a small confession to make. I hate the abortion debate. I hate it with a passion. Abortion should not be a political issue. Abortion is a personal issue of health and well-being.  If we focused on health and well-being, we would focus on ways to prevent the need for abortions by finding ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies rather than condemning those who make the choice. For example, sex education, affordable access to birth control, and affordable access to healthcare are all ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies and therefore lower the abortion rates. I know several women who have had abortions.  There are always reasons. There are always circumstances. There are always  situations. Not a single woman I know who has had an abortion came to the decision easily or lightly. Some of those women still claim to be anti-choice. The women who still claim to be anti-choice explain that their abortions were okay because they had "good reasons unlike those other wome...

Sometimes when trauma strikes, it feels like it will never end. It feels like one is mired in the moment and can't quit reliving it. Last week I wrote about how sometimes it's enough to survive until one can thrive again. There's a reason for that. Overcoming trauma takes time. Overcoming trauma takes effort. Overcoming trauma takes self-compassion. Overcoming trauma takes connecting with others. Overcoming trauma takes seeking the help and support one needs. Trauma, whatever type of trauma it might be, tends to put us into a place where hope is diminished and sadness feels overwhelming for a period of time, a period of time that varies from person to person. When we say, it's time to "move on" or to "let it go" or whatever other cliche we use, what we really do is tell the person before us we know longer want to hear about it, it's too much for us, and/or we have nothing to help. If that person is still processing, we send the message, inte...

A few of my accomplishments Survive until you can thrive. I've often repeated this to myself when it felt like I couldn't take another step forward. Sometimes it feels like thriving is an elusive goal. Something meant for other people - people who are more worthy. Ah, yes, there's that word again, worthy. The concept came up last week in my post, Journey to Financial Security , because it's all linked. All of life is linked. Our thoughts, our emotions, our actions are all linked to one another. There was a time in my life when I thought success was as much my right as anyone else's, but that faded with myriad life experiences until I questioned that I'd ever felt that way. I've never cared that much about outside validation, but I have struggled to stand tall in my successes. For a while I carried a fear that acknowledging my accomplishments was too showy. I didn't want to make other people feel bad, so I started to downplay a...

Last week was No More Week, sponsored by the No More organization. No More's mission is to end domestic violence and sexual assault. I've participated in No More weeks and other awareness activities sponsored by No More several times over the past few years. This year the theme was Change Happens Here - #changehappenshere. I chose the following as my statement "No More valuing the assailant's future more than the victim's." I hated writing the word victim. I wanted to write survivor so badly. Because... Words matter. They really do. The words we choose convey a message. A subtle shift happens when we read one word over the other. I am both a victim and a survivor, but I hate to think of myself as a victim. I hate it. I fight it. I even hide from it. But, there are times when acknowledging that to be a survivor one has to have been a victim at some point is essential to growth and forward movement. This idea that being a victim is bad is a continuati...

But he says he didn't do it... Somehow his word whoever he happens to be is more credible than hers to some people no matter what the situation, no matter what the evidence, no matter how credible her account or how much his lacks credibility. For some reason, for some people that's enough.  It's as if they expect criminals to be honest... Really?  And for some reason they always doubt women... Really? What do you expect him to say, seriously? To admit it is confessing to a crime, even if the statute of limitations has run out. I've been raped on three different occasions by two different men. Yet, I'm fairly certain neither of those men would admit assaulting me because they see nothing wrong with their behavior. ( other posts on sexual assault .) I confronted the two men, let's call them M and W, who raped me. Each readily admitted he proceeded even after I said no and made it clear I didn't want to have sex. M even bragged about "not t...

Shame... Shame on you... Shame on me... You have no shame... Shame... Sighs! I am not ashamed of who I am or my life experiences. I am not ashamed... And, yet, there have been far too many moments of my life lived in shame, lived in the shame of someone else's perception of my existence and my experiences. We all have. We wear shame like a prism of everything we've done wrong shrinking us into our smallest selves and projecting reasons to not be loved into the world. I recently read I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brené Brown (read my review ). When I started it, I had no intention of doing the exercises; however, I quickly changed my mind. As I read I realized that to have the full experience, to truly understand the book, I needed to do the exercises. Still, to be honest, I didn't expect to get much out of it...  After all, I'd already done this work... I...

It's October, also known as Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Breast Cancer Awareness Month . I find it a bit interesting that we, as a society, have combined these two awareness campaigns in the same month. If I looked hard enough, I'm sure I could find a way to connect them. However, let's focus on Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the No More Campaign. I first wrote about No More back in 2015, when I wrote No More... Excuses... No More . We live in a world that seems to be waking up... maybe. But how many times can we say No More? We also live in a world that far too often excuses the behavior of those in power, whether in a large corporation, a small company, or even the home until forced to believe the truth when the evidence once dismissed piles up so high it threatens to topple over and crush all in its wake. Can we keep on this way? Society blames the victim. Society shames the victim. Society silences the victim. And, let's be clea...

Sex... Sexual harassment... Sexual abuse... Sexual assault... We wrap anything related to sex up in so much shame and guilt that it imprisons us in our own minds convincing us no one will ever believe us, that we should be ashamed for someone else's actions, that keeping quiet is the best way forward. People ask "Why didn't she report it?" I know my story will resonate with many women, and some men, too, because it's not a new story. It's been going on for ages. And occasionally a scandal brings it to light and we all look for ways to be make it better, to find common ground, to not need to say "Me Too." And, then the fervor dies down and we all go about our lives until the next time. Will this time finally be the one that's different? We can hope... Still fairly fragile from being sexually assaulted in college , I started an office job at a cabling company(now out of business if my research is accurate) in Lexington, Kentucky....

Last week Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced that she intends to dismantle the Dear Colleague Letter Guidelines that have given survivors of sexual assault more respect in the reporting and investigatory process of sexual assault by utilizing the protections in Title IX to a safe learning environment. Shortly before her announcement I posted  Sexual Assault Happens... Then What? , my post to raise awareness about the importance of taking campus sexual assault seriously and urge people to stand up for survivors. Upon learning of Secretary DeVos' decision to dismantle those guidelines, I wrote a letter to the current President of EKU, Michael T. Benson. As an alumna of EKU and a survivor of campus sexual assault I feel a duty to urge my alma mater to be a leader in the adherence of Title IX using the Dear Colleague Letter Guidelines to take campus sexual assault seriously and providing the support survivors need to move forward. Here is the open letter ...

I started this post over a year ago after I watched The Hunting Ground , a documentary about sexual assault on campuses and the way universities handle sexual assault on campus. I've come back to it multiple times but have hesitated to publish it yet I couldn't bring myself to delete it. So... With today's announcement regarding the plan to eliminate Title IX protection for survivors, I must speak up. I can no longer be silent. The Hunting Ground affected me deeply. I stopped it several times when I needed to think and feel and cry and rewind to listen again. (Currently available on  Netflix and streaming or DVD purchase on Amazon.) As I watched, many thoughts went through my mind. I am still dumbfounded by the way universities dismiss and/or minimize sexual assault complaints. I suppose admitting the number of campus sexual assaults on their individual campuses might deter some potential students, but... Sexual assault happens. It happens in every community. It happ...