When Failure Isn't an Option, But...
The flip side of fear of success is fear of failure. Both end up in paralysis, have some of the same triggers, and share some of the same roots. It can be hard to discern which is which. I've struggled with both, and at times still do.
Fear of failure for me was a need to be perfect. I equated perfection with love. I could only be loved if I was perfect. I could only be perfect if I was successful at everything. Failure wasn't an option. An "A" was never good enough in school. Everything I did could be better.
Early in my life I developed a fear of failure that at times has stifled my creativity, my progress, and even lead to complete inaction.
In some ways my fear of failure contributed to my later fear of success. I started life confident that I could and would do whatever I wanted, but as I began to encounter those little digs that meant I could never be perfect and the harder I tried to be perfect, the more my imperfections haunted me.
When I was assaulted in college, I felt like I'd failed everyone from my parents to myself to the stranger on the street. I took that failure to heart. I began to think I had no right to exist because I'd failed in a way that could never be fixed. I saw someone else's actions as my personal failure. I became suicidal. I made a plan. But, I couldn't stand the idea of failing the semester, so I kept going to class, I kept studying, I kept moving, even as I numbed out every night just to fall asleep and rarely slept through the night because of the nightmares I had and always, sadly, I comforted myself with my plan.
In a way, my fear of failure forced me to hang on long enough for a friend or two to intervene and slowly life got better. I couldn't stand the idea of not finishing what I needed to finish. And there was always something I'd started that needed finished. Eventually, the plan I comforted myself with began to dissipate into background noise.
But, my fear of failure, also caused me to hang on to myriad relationships well past the point they should have ended. My fear of failure pushed me to not try life changes I wanted to try. My fear of failure gave me an excuse to play small because if I didn't try, I couldn't fail. My fear of failure pushed me to keep perfecting projects well past the point they were complete.
When I started to realize I feared both success and failure, I felt completely trapped in a quicksand pit because any way I turned my fear pulled me under and refused to let go. Slowly I began to stop fighting and to really listen. I started to see where those voices originated and what pushed me. I even started to examine how I could use these fears to my advantage. I took tiny steps toward embracing my imperfections. Imagine my surprise when people expressed that some of the things I considered imperfections were the things people liked best about me because of their authenticity.
Now, when either my fear of failure or my fear of success rear their ugly heads, I take a deep breath. I think about my imperfections and my perfections. I think about every time I survived when I failed and when I succeeded. I still have to talk to the negative voices in my head that tell me I'll never be good enough and the only way to be loved is to never fail, but I'm better at it. I've learned to embrace the thing I probably got chastised for more than anything growing up - talking back...
Early in my life I developed a fear of failure that at times has stifled my creativity, my progress, and even lead to complete inaction.
In some ways my fear of failure contributed to my later fear of success. I started life confident that I could and would do whatever I wanted, but as I began to encounter those little digs that meant I could never be perfect and the harder I tried to be perfect, the more my imperfections haunted me.
When I was assaulted in college, I felt like I'd failed everyone from my parents to myself to the stranger on the street. I took that failure to heart. I began to think I had no right to exist because I'd failed in a way that could never be fixed. I saw someone else's actions as my personal failure. I became suicidal. I made a plan. But, I couldn't stand the idea of failing the semester, so I kept going to class, I kept studying, I kept moving, even as I numbed out every night just to fall asleep and rarely slept through the night because of the nightmares I had and always, sadly, I comforted myself with my plan.
In a way, my fear of failure forced me to hang on long enough for a friend or two to intervene and slowly life got better. I couldn't stand the idea of not finishing what I needed to finish. And there was always something I'd started that needed finished. Eventually, the plan I comforted myself with began to dissipate into background noise.
But, my fear of failure, also caused me to hang on to myriad relationships well past the point they should have ended. My fear of failure pushed me to not try life changes I wanted to try. My fear of failure gave me an excuse to play small because if I didn't try, I couldn't fail. My fear of failure pushed me to keep perfecting projects well past the point they were complete.
When I started to realize I feared both success and failure, I felt completely trapped in a quicksand pit because any way I turned my fear pulled me under and refused to let go. Slowly I began to stop fighting and to really listen. I started to see where those voices originated and what pushed me. I even started to examine how I could use these fears to my advantage. I took tiny steps toward embracing my imperfections. Imagine my surprise when people expressed that some of the things I considered imperfections were the things people liked best about me because of their authenticity.
Now, when either my fear of failure or my fear of success rear their ugly heads, I take a deep breath. I think about my imperfections and my perfections. I think about every time I survived when I failed and when I succeeded. I still have to talk to the negative voices in my head that tell me I'll never be good enough and the only way to be loved is to never fail, but I'm better at it. I've learned to embrace the thing I probably got chastised for more than anything growing up - talking back...
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