Victim or Survivor - Change Happens Here

Last week was No More Week, sponsored by the No More organization. No More's mission is to end domestic violence and sexual assault. I've participated in No More weeks and other awareness activities sponsored by No More several times over the past few years.

This year the theme was Change Happens Here - #changehappenshere. I chose the following as my statement "No More valuing the assailant's future more than the victim's."

I hated writing the word victim. I wanted to write survivor so badly. Because... Words matter. They really do. The words we choose convey a message. A subtle shift happens when we read one word over the other.

I am both a victim and a survivor, but I hate to think of myself as a victim. I hate it. I fight it. I even hide from it. But, there are times when acknowledging that to be a survivor one has to have been a victim at some point is essential to growth and forward movement.

This idea that being a victim is bad is a continuation of the shame that is placed on victims/survivors. There's a sense that victims are weak and survivors are strong. I buy into it myself, especially when thinking about myself. What we forget is that sometimes the strongest thing we can do is embrace our weaknesses. 

However, being a victim is not indicative of one's weakness. One is a victim because of someone else's actions toward them. This says nothing about the strength or weakness of the person who has been hurt.

Being the victim of an assailant doesn't make one weak. The guilt belongs on the assailant. The indignity belongs to the assailant. The accountability belongs on the assailant.

A victim, a survivor, should never be made to feel blame or shame or accountable for the acts of the assailant. Being a victim, being a survivor, doesn't make a person bad. Being a victim, being a survivor, doesn't mean a person did some thing bad. Being a victim, being a survivor, doesn't mean a person isn't worthy.

But, we live in a world where judges, governmental officials, and law enforcement are far too quick to be concerned about what will happen to assailants while ignoring the detrimental effects on victims. We live in a world where far too often the attitude is the action taken by the assailant shouldn't ruin the assailant's life even though it ruined the victim's. We live in a world that excuses assailants while blaming victims. We live in a world where we reward assailants and shame victims.

So, what do we do? We say "No more" and then we say "No more" the next time and the next and the next. No more.

We, or at least I, like to think this world is changing. There are a number of movements and organizations that are raising awareness. We have more women coming forward with their stories. Yet, we still encounter these old ways of thinking time and again with sentences where the judge states he doesn't want to ruin the assailant's life while completely ignoring the effects on the victim's. We have people in positions of power who are believed because they are part of the "tribe" while someone from the other "tribe" is maligned for the exact same behavior. We live in a world where those who have the courage to report being victims are threatened while assailants are celebrated.

So we have to keep saying "No more". No more. No more. 

We need to raise awareness in the hopes that someday society will adopt attitudes and behaviors that will stop blaming and shaming victims while supporting and excusing assailants. 

Change happens here because to change the world, we each have to examine where we contribute to the problem, where we contribute to the solution, and where our experience intersects with other people.

Just because I am a victim, don't mistake me for a weakling. I survived being a victim. While I have my vulnerabilities, I am strong enough to see those vulnerabilities have taught me strength.  

I am not ashamed anymore that I am both a victim and a survivor. I will not be shamed because I am a victim and a survivor. I am a survivor because I am a victim.