Survive Until You Can Thrive

A few of my accomplishments

Survive until you can thrive.

I've often repeated this to myself when it felt like I couldn't take another step forward.

Sometimes it feels like thriving is an elusive goal. Something meant for other people - people who are more worthy. Ah, yes, there's that word again, worthy. The concept came up last week in my post, Journey to Financial Security, because it's all linked. All of life is linked.

Our thoughts, our emotions, our actions are all linked to one another.

There was a time in my life when I thought success was as much my right as anyone else's, but that faded with myriad life experiences until I questioned that I'd ever felt that way. I've never cared that much about outside validation, but I have struggled to stand tall in my successes.

For a while I carried a fear that acknowledging my accomplishments was too showy. I didn't want to make other people feel bad, so I started to downplay any success. I didn't want it to seem like I thought I was better than this person or that person simply because I'd accomplished this or that. So I pretended like my successes didn't matter, especially when a few people I thought would be proud dismissed or ignored my successes. I still do this from time to time.

For a while I actually feared success more than I feared failure, and that's saying something because I'd feared failure my entire life. I grew up with the attitude that failure wasn't an option. I spent my childhood and my early college days focused on creating the life I envisioned as successful, but it seemed like the successes I was experiencing lead to confusion and pain rather than the freedom I'd always dreamed of. 

During this time, I first experienced what I've since learned is referred to as "impostor syndrome" when one feels like their success isn't real or deserved. I suddenly felt like I was pretending to be strong, smart, and capable when I'd always felt that way naturally before.

Fearing success caused me try to shrink into the background and disappear. I sabotaged my own efforts. I held back on my work. I found ways to avoid putting my work out there. I sought the elusive perfection in everything I did. I put my goals on the back burner, didn't fight for my dreams, and hid from what I wanted. Every time I went into this place, I fought it. It didn't feel right or natural, but it felt safe. Safe in a way that also felt restrictive, like a self imposed prison.

Yet, I survived. I didn't give up even when I felt like hiding from the world. Some days surviving took all my effort, but then I'd find my way back to trying to thrive. Eventually, I began to feel like thriving was actually an option.

Sometimes, when life gets difficult, it's okay to just survive. It's okay to look at what's before you and decide that there will be time to thrive later, but the important thing for that moment is to survive. Surviving will provide the opportunity to thrive later.