Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Nudges From The Law of Attraction

All day yesterday I wrote, erased, rewrote, erased, and rewrote a blog post. I couldn't find the right words to say what I need to say.

After about the third draft, I opened an email from a friend that offered a sentiment that I needed to hear. As I read it and my response formulated in my head, I knew I couldn't give that response to my friend. It would be a lie, so I wrote the truth. As I stared at the truth in a single, short paragraph, I wondered if I could really share that truth with the world yet writing it directly to my friend in a private setting did help me solidify what I truly felt.

So I returned to working on the blog post. There is something in this I need to express. I wrote a poem about it last week and two yesterday. I focused on the blog post. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I erased and erased and erased. The words just wouldn't come together. Finally, at around one o'clock this morning, I gave up. Well, technically, I decided to take a break, sleep on it, and try again today.

I couldn't sleep, so I picked up Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer, a book on imagination and creativity and started reading where I last left off. Immediately, an answer screamed out at me. I didn't like the answer, but it still screamed at me. I couldn't write what I needed to write because I feared how others would perceive it. I read about how as we become adults our inner censors stifle creativity. We become concerned how our words will affect others. We become concerned about how we'll look. So we self-censor until creativity is stifled or nothing is produced, written in my case, at all.

The chapter also discussed how in our dreams, we are more like our child selves. Our true creativity shines making our dreams creative and fantastical. We get in touch with our uncensored thoughts, desires, and emotions in our dreams because the part of our brain that self-censors relaxes and allows us to process our thoughts and feelings in more creative ways. I nodded along to the book as I read. Anyone who has ever been struggling with a problem and dreamed a creative solution they never would've thought of consciously will understand this.

By the time I finished the chapter, I was too tired to write, but I thought about that chapter until I fell asleep. Fear was holding my words hostage.

Boy, did I ever dream last night! I had at least four vivid, colorful, exciting dreams. None of those dreams addressed my writing dilemma from yesterday, but they were definitely creative and fun dreams. And, yet, as I think about it, perhaps in a "think out of the box" kind of way maybe they did address my dilemma. They took me to a place where I felt free to express myself and had me expressing myself with someone who always inspires me. My guard came down, and I felt free to just be exactly who I wanted to be. And, in a roundabout way that goes to the heart of the fear stopping me from writing what I feel I need to write. I have a fear that once I express what I need to express, people I care deeply about are going to feel hurt and that's not my intention though I'm not sure how to avoid that happening.

I awoke this morning still unsure how to write the blog. I went through my morning routine. With my yoga done, I settled in to do my gratitude meditation. My thoughts kept going back to the blog post I feel compelled to write.I opened an email from Mama Gena addressing women's problem with making decisions... At the root of the problem - fear of making a mistake... And, that went directly to the heart of my dilemma yesterday as well. What if I'm wrong? What if I say what I have to say and then discover I've got it all wrong? But, even if that's true, then it's a misunderstanding that needs addressed. There are relationships on the line with this one. And, again, there is the fear. I hate disappointing people. I hate letting people down. And, again this goes to the very heart of the matter. Fear, fear, fear...

So, three things have lined up in the past twenty-eight hours to push me toward expressing my truth without fear. Just as in the weeks and months before the epiphany and the truth it lead to last week, many moments lined up to show me what I needed to recognize and address. I did nothing about it until I could no longer ignore it. Sometimes, this is what happens in life. When we don't get the message the first time, life keeps sending us the information. It's up to us to grab it and make it work.

And, even as I write this blog post about the law of attraction sending me what I need, I realize I'm using this post to avoid writing the blog post I feel compelled to write. So will I? Eventually. After all, if I don't address it, life will keep pushing it in my face... I just have to conquer that fear... Mama Gena's blog offers a hall pass for making mistakes. And, while that sounds wonderful in theory, if my blog post goes awry and damages friendships I value, that hall pass isn't going to mend those.  And, so I am back to my self-censor.  Fear, fear, fear...

3 comments:

  1. Dang it! I went to the next post in anxious anticipation... but I don't think that was THE post.

    This was a good one, though. Way to bait, girl!

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    Replies
    1. No, it's not. I'm still struggling with that one. It's a delicate balance to say it right. I just hope I pull it off.

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    2. Got faith in ya... but don't mind being called upon to proofread...

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