Making Friends: Breast Health Awareness

Last year I blogged about my feelings that we should have Breast Health Awareness Month rather than Breast Cancer Awareness month in the post, Friends, Enemies, Breasts. This year, I'm going simpler. I've decided to share a poem, Friends, Enemies, Breasts, I wrote in December 2010. The poem is included in my book of poetry, Reflections in Silhouette: Poems.

Friends, Enemies, Breasts

As a young girl

I eagerly anticipated your arrival

I watched for you daily

You would show the world my maturity

You took your time arriving

I exercised to encourage you

I flexed to make you noticeable

I wore a training bra on my flat chest to coach your growth

I imagined how you’d look

As a teenager

You embarrassed me

You just wouldn’t stick out enough

You refused to enlarge

You brought on teasing nicknames

Baby Boobs

And I hated you for it

I willed you to grow

I begged you to grow

You stubbornly refused

I found ways to disguise you

I wore shirts and sweaters a size too large

I wore short skirts to draw attention away from you

I wore my coat all day

Other days

I pretended you were just want I wanted

I rebelled outwardly against my feelings about you

I disguised my disappointment in you

Deep inside though I knew my bravado was a lie

I imagined you how I wanted you to be

Just like…

Well, hers and hers and hers and…

But you were mine

And you had a mind of your own

As a young woman

I looked at you in the mirror

Resigned myself to your smallness

I hated you for not looking like I’d envisioned – dreamed

I drew attention away from you

To my legs

Always got them looking at my legs

And maybe they wouldn’t notice your lack of size

I cursed your smallness

I failed to appreciate your symmetry

I failed to celebrate your firmness

I failed to recognize your perkiness

I made fun of you before others could

Then one day

Someone special uncovered you

Shushed my jeers at you with a kiss

Embraced you

Gave you a new nickname which also made me cringe

Ozzie and Harriett

-          For reasons known only to him

He caressed you

He appreciated you

He showed me your good qualities

He slipped a piece of ice into his mouth

And kissed you

You responded with a thrill and exaggerated perkiness

That spread through my body

And suddenly your size didn’t seem so important

I stood straighter

I let you be who you were

But, alas, the moment ended

Time passed

Every time I cursed you

I remembered that not everyone found your size lacking

I embraced you

Showed you more proudly

A new man appreciated you

In his own way – different but just as loving

He caressed you

He held you

He declared you perfect

He captured you in his mouth with joy

You responded with glee

I didn’t question his desire for you

I reveled in the pleasure you brought him

I welcomed his approval

I grew to love you

I accepted your special attributes

I felt the pleasure of you

Suddenly

Without warning

You grew

You became womanly

At first I didn’t believe

I waited for you to shrink

You created the curves

I always imagined

You stayed

But

Along with the size increase

Came days of soreness, of tenderness

Those days I cursed you again

The slightest touch felt like torture

Even clothing irritated you

But when I looked in the mirror

The new curves made me smile

And the pleasure you brought outweighed the pain

The doctor examined you

I’d yet to do so

Hadn’t bothered to learn how

I was young

My only worries about you

Were your size and your potential for pleasure

The doctor declared you “perfect”

I liked the description

Even though it referred to you medically not aesthetically

Then one day

A hard spot appeared

It felt odd

It grew a bit uncomfortable

It didn’t go away

The doctor grew concerned

I was only thirty-one

Too young for you to be sick

They placed you in a vise

Squeezed you

Told me to hold my breath

Unnecessary

I couldn’t breathe anyway

What if…

I couldn’t finish the thought

They took pictures of your tissue

Your density required a different type of picture

Finally

They declared you healthy

I finally let out my breath

I appreciated you

I loved you

I read how to take care of you

I changed my diet to keep you healthy

I examined you on a regular basis

Looked for changes

I grew to know you intimately

I looked at you in the mirror

But this time I didn’t wish you larger

I only wished you healthy

I only wished you to remain “perfect”

I finally appreciated the beauty you possessed

I finally reveled in your firmness

I finally celebrated your perkiness

I finally realized you were never the problem

I enjoyed how you filled out my clothes

Was surprised when your size increased again

I took pleasure when you were

Caressed, touched, kissed, loved

You turned forty

Along with me

Time to get your picture taken again

Routine this time

No big deal

Joked with the technician

About the vise, the squeezing, the process

Laughed about the numbers on the machine’s plate

Learned more about the process and the reading technique

Laughed about how each woman’s experience is so different

Even joked about the fear a callback for a repeat test causes

Left in high spirits sure my breasts were “perfect”

Two weeks later the phone rang

The words I remember

Density, left breast, changed, diagnostic

I know they were in a sentence, possibly two

Instinctively I touched you, searching

Instinctively I touch you now, searching

For a change I know I won’t - can’t - feel

It wasn’t detectable in my last professional exam

It wasn’t detectable in my last personal exam

I stand in front of the mirror

Staring at you

Willing you to be healthy

Loving you for all you bring me

Scared you’ll betray me

Terrified you’ll seek vengeance

For all those times I didn’t appreciate you

For all those times I actually hated you

For all those times I willed you to be something you weren’t

I cup my hand under you

I lift you to your former perky position

I don’t mind that you’re less perky

I love your size

I even that slight sag you’ve developed

I love that you’re real

I love that I’ve never falsified you

I love that you’re unique

I love that you’re all me

I love that you’ve been there without fail

No matter how I’ve treated you

I want you stay

I will protect you

I will love you

I will cherish you

I will appreciate you

Today, tomorrow, always

Please just don’t betray me

Please just don’t abandon me

Please just be healthy

Please just remain “perfect” in your imperfection