|Monkey Face at Smith Rock in Terrebonne, Oregon|
I've tapped into the things that remind me of love. I've avoided the things that increase my despair. I've contacted friends who always help me find my center. I've listened to empowering music. I've listened to inspiring speeches and poetry. I've read books, articles, and poetry that give me hope. I watched Madonna's 2013 Secret Project Revolution calling for a Revolution of Love a few times in attempts to tap into my foundation of living from love.
I needed to remember that love, not hate, is how we find answers. I needed to remember that love, not hate, is where true progress lies. I needed to remember that when I live from a place of love, I put love into the world. I needed to remember that love can make a difference.
And yet I still felt a sense of loss under my skin begging for my attention. I cried. I grieved relationships that have long been dead without the pronouncement. I needed to find confidence in living from a place of love again. I needed to reconnect with my love for self, for others, for strangers, for people I have every reason to hate.
I practiced loving-kindness meditation. I practiced gratitude. I practiced solitude. I practiced yoga. I sought answers. I sought out compassionate listeners. I sought out encouraging friends. I tried to listen to those who disagree with me. I tried to send love out into the world. It took more effort and energy than I possessed.
I retreated into myself.
But I didn't give up.
Recently, I heard Madonna's You'll See, and it struck me in a way it never had before. On the surface, it's a love song, but is it a love song? It has always struck me as a song of perseverance, a song of loss, a song of standing for the truth, a song of survival in the face of a relationship gone wrong. But tonight that message felt wider. It reminded me that sometimes we find ourselves standing all on our own in a moment that will define us for the rest of our lives. Do we stand for the truth and acknowledge that even in defeat, truth is better than deceit or do we sink down and sling hate for hate, violence for violence, lie for lie?
I don't know how we can make the world a better place if we allow rage alone, however justified, to guide us, but I do know from the depths of my heart I have to find the strength to embrace living from a place of love even as I fight for what matters to me. It's the only way I can survive. It's the only way I can stay alive. It's the only way I can thrive.
When I decided to live from a foundation of love several years ago my life changed for the better. It didn't happen overnight, but over time I stopped feeling so defensive, angry, and scared all the time. I stopped being so suspicious of people, even those who appeared to have only the best of intentions. I found it easier to engage people without setting up artificial walls. I struggled to set boundaries while living from a foundation of love and I still do, but I continue to try. Living from a place of love means loving myself first and then letting that love expand outward.
I will not allow my confidence in living from love to be destroyed... I can't because if I did, I simply couldn't survive... let alone thrive...
And when I fail, I'll get back up, dust myself off, stumble until I find my footing, and move forward... You'll see...