Looking Back to Look Forward

I recently went to a high school class reunion. I'll admit I felt hesitant about going. I'm not one of these people that remembers high school with all that much fondness. As I listened to my classmates exchange stories and memories, I felt a mix of emotions. We shared a formative part of our lives, and honestly I often felt like I didn't really fit in all that well. I felt surprised as I listened to other people express similar moments of those kinds of feelings. Among the laughs and the acknowledgements of how we've grown and the moments of looking forward, compassion came from unexpected places and attempts to connect came from others. Regrets were even expressed. Recognition of who we were then and even characteristics that haven't changed shone through.

Hugs were abundant and promises to get together more frequently permeated the event.

I was particularly struck by a discussion that arose once again about a particular classmate who has expressed to others in our class a reluctance to attend our reunions because of feelings of exclusion from our high school days. Most people seemed to genuinely wish the person didn't feel that way, some expressed surprise and even regret about any possible role they might have played, and then there were those who shrugged if off as part of growing up.

I attended a very small school. My graduating class only had 33 students in it, so we all knew each other and each other's families and each other's business to some degree. 

We went our separate ways after graduation, most of us without much of a look back as far as I can tell. I was in contact with one classmate consistently through the years though there were some gaps and our contact became increasingly more superficial over the years as we got busy with our own lives. A few others I had intermittent contact with over the years, but I didn't see or talk to most of my classmates until we reconnected on Facebook.

As we toured our old high school and junior high school together, we discussed the memories we made there as well as how sad it was to see the buildings in such disrepair. We also shared things we hadn't known about each other during our time there.

We spoke briefly of the classmate who died our Junior year right before prom and how weird it felt to go to prom right after his visitation and then to his funeral the next day.

I sensed a bit of holding back at various points. I think there was a sense of realizing how different our lives are now and the different directions we took in life.

After I left, I couldn't stop thinking about the person who didn't want to come because of how excluded she felt when we were in high school. I wondered if I contributed to her feelings. I always thought I treated everyone fairly, but maybe I didn't. Maybe I wasn't always as kind as I could've been.

I started thinking about my own sense of not fitting in and how that made me vacillate between seeking attention and withdrawing. 

Life isn't always as cut and dry as we like to believe. Sometimes the line between teasing and bullying is far too blurry. Sometimes the line between not connecting with someone and ostracizing them is far too thin. Sometimes we need to stop and think about how our actions affect others, even if it's from a past about which we have a completely different perspective than someone else. Sometimes we need to stop and think about how our perspective then might not match our perspective now.

Sometimes we need to stop and think about how our past actions and experiences continue to inform our present.

None of us are the same people we were, but we are all influenced by those experiences we shared.

When is it too late to make amends?