Threads of Strengths Woven Into Threads of Vulnerability
It seemed like my inner strength intimidated people and my vulnerability offered them ammunition against me, so I learned to hide both behind a tough exterior. I feared having my vulnerability used against me and my strength scaring people away.
Hiding both my strength and my vulnerability became yet another mask I wore to protect myself from the people in my life. I didn't quite understand how to be both strong and vulnerable with others without putting myself at risk. Other times I'd overshare with people as a test to see who would stay and who would leave. I get to choose who sees different aspects of my life. I didn't understand the idea that some people earn the right to see my full strength and vulnerability and other people don't. And that's okay. It's empowering to choose who gets to see varying aspects of my life story without compromising my authenticity.
As I came to better understand that vulnerability wasn't weakness but was a letting down of my guard and allowing people to see the authentic me, I started to see that it took true inner strength to be vulnerable. As I came to understand that strength wasn't the ability to be stoic and handle everything, I started to understand that strength came from the ability to be vulnerable. Both strength and vulnerability are about being authentic to one's self in ways that might not meet someone else's or society's expectations.
I have come to a place where I cherish my exploration of the strength to be vulnerable and the vulnerability to be strong. In some ways, as the two aspects of my inner being have woven together, they have given me a blanket of authenticity that comforts me when I feel like I'm up against expectations I can't or don't want to meet. When I embrace the way strength and vulnerability work together, I feel empowered to allow myself to be imperfect while still striving to be the best me I can be in any given moment.
I've also found that in embracing my own strength and vulnerability, it's easier for me to embrace other people's authenticity without expecting them to conform to my expectations.
Being authentic means owning my strength and my vulnerability without compromising myself. It means setting boundaries that respect both myself and those who are part of my life. It means deciding how much to share and when to share it. I try to be as authentic in my actions as I possibly can, but I still struggle with allowing others to see both my strength and my vulnerability because I've had both used against me.
That's not to say any of this is exactly easy, but it's far more rewarding than the alternative. There are times those threads pull too tight. Other times they fray and unravel. Sometimes they become threadbare to the point of leaving holes. And yet somehow all that strength and vulnerability weaving and unweaving is about as authentic as one can get. It reminds me how my favorite quilts are the ones my grandmothers made me even with their threadbare areas, holes, and unraveling threads because they were made in love and used in love.
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