How Many Times Must We Say NO MORE?

It's October, also known as Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I find it a bit interesting that we, as a society, have combined these two awareness campaigns in the same month. If I looked hard enough, I'm sure I could find a way to connect them.

However, let's focus on Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the No More Campaign.

I first wrote about No More back in 2015, when I wrote No More... Excuses... No More.

We live in a world that seems to be waking up... maybe. But how many times can we say No More?

We also live in a world that far too often excuses the behavior of those in power, whether in a large corporation, a small company, or even the home until forced to believe the truth when the evidence once dismissed piles up so high it threatens to topple over and crush all in its wake. Can we keep on this way?

Society blames the victim. Society shames the victim. Society silences the victim. And, let's be clear about who society is... Society is made up of people just like you and me. You and I are part of the society perpetuating this culture that perpetuates rape and domestic violence through the continued excuses for abusers and shame for the victim. It is up to us, or you could say It's On Us, to speak up, to speak out, to stand up for one another, to stand beside one another.

Society must stop protecting the guilty. It is time to stop acting as if men have no agency to control themselves and their behavior. Which brings us to this important point. Now pay attention. Sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and domestic violence are about power not about sex. These acts are about control, manipulation, belittlement, and ego.

Over the past few weeks the horrifying stories of Harvey Weinstein's harassment and abuse of actresses dominated the news, but this was just one more powerful aggressor in a long line of powerful aggressors who've been exposed over the past several years. Alyssa Milano recently pushed the #MeToo campaign to the forefront exposing just how rampant sexual aggression is across all walks of life, but Tarana Burke actually started the Me Too movement  several years ago to support young women from myriad backgrounds who had survived sexual assault or exploitation . We must keep this movement alive because there are far too many women out there with #MeToo stories. Far too many women from every walk of life have suffered violence at the hands of the men in their lives.

Society must stop referring to survivors as damaged goods. First of all people aren't property. Women aren't property. We have our own lives. We can make our own decisions. We have brains and hearts and wills of our own. When society moves into the territory of treating other people as if they are property, society dehumanizes them. That is unacceptable.

There are people and organizations all over the United States and around the world who work tirelessly day after day, year after year, decade after decade to address and end sexual assault and domestic violence and to provide support for survivors, but there are also detractors. There are those who dismiss the efforts because they can, because some many people don't report, because they want to believe the world fits a very specific worldview where these things only happen to someone else.

But that's just not true. In my own experience, starting when I was around twelve years old, teenage boys considerably older than me and men have invaded my private space, grabbed various parts of my body without permission, kissed me without consent, raped me, slapped and hit me, and sexually harassed me.

I know I'm not alone. I've read the stories. I've listened to my friends. I've heard co-workers speak. I've paid attention to the world around me and the women who inhabit it. I believe them.

I've heard the "boys will be boys" and "what did you do" and "you shouldn't have worn that, been there, etc. etc.... far too many things to list" and the "what did you expect being friends with him." Oh, yes, I heard all of this and much more far too many times. I've dealt with institutions more interested in protecting their reputation than supporting survivors. These are all statements and attitudes that need to be tossed in the No More bin as things to never say or do to survivors again.

But this brings us back to the question at hand. How many times must we say no more? Sometimes it feels like a neverending battle as we see increasing numbers of people coming forward with stories of invasion of their persons, and that is what it is. It's an invasion that leaves behind scars, sometimes visible sometimes not, but always lasting.

Stopping domestic violence and sexual assault begins with equality, true equality. It begins by teaching girls and boys that they are equal and they should treat each other with the respect. It comes with not saying "boys will be boys" when they cross boundaries with inappropriate touch. It comes with not perpetuating the myths that young men who take what they want are studs and young women who have sex are sluts. It comes with teaching that not only does no mean no, but that an affirmative yes is the only true consent. It comes with putting an end to teaching girls and boys to be ashamed of their sexuality and their desires. It comes with recognizing that both girls and boys are autonomous human beings capable of deciding for their individual selves what is best for them.

It sounds simple yet society continues to fall into the trap of blaming and shaming the victims and excusing the aggressors.

And being shocked when the aggression continues...

And then crying "No More..." until the news dies down or the person they know goes quiet allowing them to pretend it's not that big of a deal after all... Until the next time...

No more blame and shame for survivors and no more excuses for aggressors... 

I wonder every time I see a new story... How many times must we say NO MORE before society makes the shift to support survivors and punish aggressors instead of supporting aggressors and punishing survivors? How many times will it take to be enough? When will society finally say No More and really mean it?

NO MORE... NO MORE... NO MORE... NO MORE... NO MORE... NO MORE... NO MORE...