Why Women Don't Report...
Sex... Sexual harassment... Sexual abuse... Sexual assault...
We wrap anything related to sex up in so much shame and guilt that it imprisons us in our own minds convincing us no one will ever believe us, that we should be ashamed for someone else's actions, that keeping quiet is the best way forward.
People ask "Why didn't she report it?"
I know my story will resonate with many women, and some men, too, because it's not a new story. It's been going on for ages. And occasionally a scandal brings it to light and we all look for ways to be make it better, to find common ground, to not need to say "Me Too." And, then the fervor dies down and we all go about our lives until the next time. Will this time finally be the one that's different? We can hope...
Still fairly fragile from being sexually assaulted in college, I started an office job at a cabling company(now out of business if my research is accurate) in Lexington, Kentucky. I started as a temp employee and was soon offered a permanent position based on my work performance including finding an error that saved the small company tens of thousands of dollars, and later I learned based on my appearance.
I found the job quite boring but it was an income and I worked with some nice people. The company hired quite a few women. I liked that it hired quite a few women. I thought that was a good sign until...
One of the upper level management guys, my direct manager's boss (I've forgotten his title), let's call him Drick, started to take a personal interest in my role at the company claiming he saw a great future for me based on the error I'd discovered as a temp. I was flattered but also uncomfortable. Drick tended to stand too close. Drick asked personal questions that seemed weird but often prefaced them by saying he was trying to see where my life goals and career goals would fit in with the company. Then one day he asked me about my sex life with my husband (I was a newlywed). I was taken aback by that, but I tried to laugh it off with a noncommittal joking response. Somewhere in here he began to touch me. It all seemed innocent enough at first, things I couldn't quite tell if accidental or intentional, his arm would brush mine as we went over some numbers. His hand would touch my shoulder or back as I left the room, at first so softly I wasn't sure what happened. A few of those seemingly incidental touches found a breast or my thigh but again I was unsure if they were intentional touches, at first. Eventually, Drick tried to rub my shoulders. He made several innuendo type statements. I was young and all I knew was this older man kept invading my personal space and asking me about things I felt were none of his business. I kept wondering if this was just what happened at the workplace. Yet, I didn't like it. I didn't want it. When I said something to him about it, he laughed and told me not to be so serious; however, he didn't stop. He, did, however continue to tell me I was a valuable asset to the company and that he saw huge potential in me and a great future if I listened to what he told me.
I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and kept wondering what I could do to make him stop. I started mentioning my husband ad nauseam, even to me, in every meeting. That did nothing to help the situation.
I needed my job. I needed the income.
I started hearing other women talk about receiving the same type of treatment I was receiving both from Drick and other members of upper management. Around this time, I learned I was being referred to as Drick's new "pet" and his old "pet" was now being treated badly. I didn't want to be his pet, and I didn't like the way he treated me. I made that known to the other employees, who brushed off my protestations.
Management decided to address the high turnover rate and requested the employees write, in detail, what we thought the problems were at the company and why people were leaving. I wrote a long document that centered around the idea of protecting people's personal space. I focused on personal space rather than sexual harassment because I feared I would lose my job if I called what I was experiencing sexual harassment. My manager read all the statements of the employees who reported directly to him before sending them on to upper management. I assume all the managers did this, but I'm not sure. After he read them, he called me in for a meeting. I have to give him credit. He handled the situation with my interests at heart. He also took steps to protect me and to make sure I was never alone with Drick again.
He insisted I report what Drick had done to me to Human Resources after he'd talked to Human Resources with a anonymous complaint about the problem in general. That's where things got tricky. As I sat down with the Human Resources Director, I immediately knew from her expression it wasn't going to go well. She asked me what had happened. I told her everything I could remember. She sat back and stared at me. Then she asked me if I liked my job. She wanted to know if I planned on contacting a lawyer. She started to hint that maybe I should change my account of things. She told me bluntly that it would be my word against his and he was more important to the company. At the end of the meeting, she told me that a note would be placed in my file that I'd reported but that no disciplinary action would be taken toward him or even a note in his file that a complaint had been made. She asked me if I really wanted to start this kind of trouble and implied it would only make things harder for me.
Over the next few weeks, I heard whispers that I'd been labelled a troublemaker. I started getting hints from my co-workers that it might be best for me if I quit. I started getting complaints about work that had previously been highly praised. My manager stepped in here and tried to support me, particularly regarding my performance.
I began searching for a new job. Being too honest for my own good at times, I told the truth about why I wanted to leave my job thinking that this had to be an anomaly. I had no idea how badly that would be received by potential employers.
Before I found a new job, my husband got a job in another state, so I left the company anyway. It's hard to put into words how hard those last few months were and how trapped I felt in a culture that seemed set up to support and protect a group of men who sexually harassed young women with abandon and without consequence.
Everyone at the company knew there was rampant sexual harassment in upper management beginning with the owner of the company, and most everyone ignored it or blamed the women being harassed. It made for a hostile working environment. Everyone knew speaking up would only make things worse, but I was naive enough to believe that when upper management said they wanted to create a better working environment in order to have better worker retention, they meant it. It later became apparent this exercise was only meant to out "troublemakers" who might bring attention to the harassment going on within the company because nothing was done to create a more hospitable working environment. When I outed myself I also outed the manager who supported me and who also ended up leaving the company.
This was not the first time I was harassed nor would it be the last, but it's what happened the time I reported.
And, this is why women don't report...
I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and kept wondering what I could do to make him stop. I started mentioning my husband ad nauseam, even to me, in every meeting. That did nothing to help the situation.
I needed my job. I needed the income.
I started hearing other women talk about receiving the same type of treatment I was receiving both from Drick and other members of upper management. Around this time, I learned I was being referred to as Drick's new "pet" and his old "pet" was now being treated badly. I didn't want to be his pet, and I didn't like the way he treated me. I made that known to the other employees, who brushed off my protestations.
Management decided to address the high turnover rate and requested the employees write, in detail, what we thought the problems were at the company and why people were leaving. I wrote a long document that centered around the idea of protecting people's personal space. I focused on personal space rather than sexual harassment because I feared I would lose my job if I called what I was experiencing sexual harassment. My manager read all the statements of the employees who reported directly to him before sending them on to upper management. I assume all the managers did this, but I'm not sure. After he read them, he called me in for a meeting. I have to give him credit. He handled the situation with my interests at heart. He also took steps to protect me and to make sure I was never alone with Drick again.
He insisted I report what Drick had done to me to Human Resources after he'd talked to Human Resources with a anonymous complaint about the problem in general. That's where things got tricky. As I sat down with the Human Resources Director, I immediately knew from her expression it wasn't going to go well. She asked me what had happened. I told her everything I could remember. She sat back and stared at me. Then she asked me if I liked my job. She wanted to know if I planned on contacting a lawyer. She started to hint that maybe I should change my account of things. She told me bluntly that it would be my word against his and he was more important to the company. At the end of the meeting, she told me that a note would be placed in my file that I'd reported but that no disciplinary action would be taken toward him or even a note in his file that a complaint had been made. She asked me if I really wanted to start this kind of trouble and implied it would only make things harder for me.
Over the next few weeks, I heard whispers that I'd been labelled a troublemaker. I started getting hints from my co-workers that it might be best for me if I quit. I started getting complaints about work that had previously been highly praised. My manager stepped in here and tried to support me, particularly regarding my performance.
I began searching for a new job. Being too honest for my own good at times, I told the truth about why I wanted to leave my job thinking that this had to be an anomaly. I had no idea how badly that would be received by potential employers.
Before I found a new job, my husband got a job in another state, so I left the company anyway. It's hard to put into words how hard those last few months were and how trapped I felt in a culture that seemed set up to support and protect a group of men who sexually harassed young women with abandon and without consequence.
Everyone at the company knew there was rampant sexual harassment in upper management beginning with the owner of the company, and most everyone ignored it or blamed the women being harassed. It made for a hostile working environment. Everyone knew speaking up would only make things worse, but I was naive enough to believe that when upper management said they wanted to create a better working environment in order to have better worker retention, they meant it. It later became apparent this exercise was only meant to out "troublemakers" who might bring attention to the harassment going on within the company because nothing was done to create a more hospitable working environment. When I outed myself I also outed the manager who supported me and who also ended up leaving the company.This was not the first time I was harassed nor would it be the last, but it's what happened the time I reported.
And, this is why women don't report...
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