Not Taking No For An Answer
Somehow his word whoever he happens to be is more credible than hers to some people no matter what the situation, no matter what the evidence, no matter how credible her account or how much his lacks credibility. For some reason, for some people that's enough.
It's as if they expect criminals to be honest... Really?
And for some reason they always doubt women... Really?
What do you expect him to say, seriously? To admit it is confessing to a crime, even if the statute of limitations has run out.
I've been raped on three different occasions by two different men. Yet, I'm fairly certain neither of those men would admit assaulting me because they see nothing wrong with their behavior. (other posts on sexual assault.)
I confronted the two men, let's call them M and W, who raped me. Each readily admitted he proceeded even after I said no and made it clear I didn't want to have sex.
M even bragged about "not taking no for an answer" to my face, my (at the time) love-you-like-a-sister friend, and her (at the time) boyfriend who was also his friend. Yet, when I pointed out to him that not taking no for an answer is rape, he acted offended. Not taking no for an answer was a muscle-flexing, bragging point for him. He didn't think that was rape. Telling me I couldn't tell him no because girls that attended EKU, like me, were easy, chasing me, pinning me down on the wooden deck, ripping my tampon out, and forcing himself inside me after I said no and tried to run away was me playing hard to get and him not taking no for an answer rather than rape in his mind. I don't understand this mind twist to this day. And even writing it nauseates and infuriates me.
The second and third times I was raped was by W. That situation is more complicated in some ways. He was a trusted friend.
The night I cried on W's shoulder about M raping me, I fell asleep at W's apartment. I woke up with him inside me. I wasn't awake to say yes or no, so I tried to convince myself that he didn't mean it. That it was an accident. That it was a misunderstanding. That it was... anything other than what it was. After all, I needed to believe my friend wouldn't do that to me. I kind of managed to convince myself for a little while, but understandably that moment created a rift in trust that never healed.
Several months later W and I had a long discussion in which I told him I'd decided I needed to take a break from dating and romantic relationships and anything that could lead to sexual encounters because of the emotional and mental state I was in, particularly how I felt unable to respond, to say no, to react in any way when a guy made a sexual advance and how terrified I felt that I was freezing like that ever since M raped me. W listened and seemed to understand, even to agree with and support my decision. Less than an hour later, he started touching me. I tried to wiggle away, to move away, but I felt frozen to the spot and started to feel the mind numbing, body freezing anxiety rising. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't react. I thought if I could force myself to relax, I could at least find my voice. I had just told him how terrified I felt by the way I'd been freezing in situations just like the one he was putting me in. By the time I found my voice, he was looming over top of me. I whispered something along the lines of "Is there anything I can do to stop you?" He responded. "No." and pushed himself inside me. I felt tears on my cheeks but can't remember if I made any sound.
A few weeks later he called me. This was before caller ID and cell phones when you had to answer the phone attached to the wall to know who was calling. I confronted him on the telephone and told him bluntly that he knew I didn't want to have sex, and he confirmed that he knew that but he still didn't see anything wrong with ignoring the fact that I'd made clear I didn't want to have sex with anyone including him. When I asked him why he did that, he responded something along the lines of "You needed to be forced to see you could enjoy sex again." Tears streamed down my face as I told him that no one could be "forced" to enjoy sex, that force took the pleasure right out of it, that force was rape. He laughed, dismissed the word rape, and told me I'd get over it - that I had before. I hung up and never spoke to him again though he tried to get back in contact with me for several months after that.
I keep thinking back to these moments when I thought these confrontations would make a difference, but I doubt they changed the way either of these men thought. All it did was reveal something that is still all too common. Too many boys and men think they are entitled to the female body. They think they have the right to "not take no for an answer", to see sex as a conquest, and to force themselves on women. They don't see women's nos as having any value. They don't respect women's right to bodily autonomy. They don't see any reason to take no for an answer. They see women who say no as "playing hard to get." Apparently, there are women who agree with them. This astounds me.
So, maybe this is why so many men are suddenly afraid of "false" accusations. They've suddenly realized that behavior they laughed about with their buddies might not have been just "convincing her" or "wearing her down" or "not taking no for an answer" or her "playing hard to get", it might have actually been rape, or at least assault. I've got news for those guys, those accusations won't be false, so if you've done that, be scared, be very scared. If you haven't done that or some variation of that, take a deep breath and get on with life, you're most likely safe.
Opening up about being assaulted is hard and demoralizing and disheartening. It also shows you who in your life is really there for you and who isn't. It exposes friendships that aren't as true as one wants to believe. It puts one in the position of being attacked all over again and again and again when one already feels vulnerable. It puts one in the position of having friends, family, and complete strangers doubt them, rip apart their lives, and even take the side of the assaulter/rapist.
I'm done with the excuses for rapists and the people who make them. I'm done with people who always dismiss the survivor's experience. I'm done with people who always believe the rapist and never believe the survivor.
Far too many people far too often told me to wrap my experience up and hide it away because it made people uncomfortable. Well, if people are uncomfortable, I no longer care. I've spent the vast majority of my life living with these experiences as part of me, a part I can't ever put down and walk away from. The experiences will be with me until I'm in my grave. They changed who I am at my core.
Yet, I'm fairly certain that for M, it was just another day, just another night, and I was just another girl playing hard to get, just another conquest... And for W, it was... I was... honestly, I don't know...
What I do know is that he was wrong... I never got over it.
If you have been sexually assaulted, or know someone who has, and need support, please contact The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or online at RAIIN, free, confidential, and available 24/7. You are not alone. For information about raising awareness about sexual assault on college campuses, please visit It's On Us.
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