Making Choices... Wasting Time...

Last night I went to bed thinking about how I choose topics for my blog and why sometimes I end up feeling like I have no topics left to write about. I know intellectually this isn't true, which is why I say it feels that way.

There was a time when I had so many topic ideas, I would get so overwhelmed I would fall into analysis paralysis. The results were the same as when I feel like I have no topics left to write. Nothing got written.

I reached a point where I felt like this blog had lost its focus. To be more pointed, I had lost my way on this blog. There were things I wanted to say, but I grew increasingly concerned I'd covered this or that or whatever and that I'd said everything I had to say on whatever topic came to mind.

In the past, I was often inspired to write about what was happening in my own journey through life as well as by my observations of what was happening in the lives of those around me. But, I started to hold back. I didn't want to share as much. At the same time I felt more secure and happier in my own skin than I had for a long time.

I realized I was writing less and less on this blog, and I wanted to write more and more, but I just couldn't decide what to write about.

Toward the end of 2018, I started to feel stressed because I was struggling so hard to find topics to write about. I didn't know what to do. I would often sit for hours staring at the blank screen trying to find something to say even though I had a hundred, a thousand, a million thoughts swirling around in my mind. I just couldn't find the words to share something unique or helpful or inspiring.

Finally, I decided I needed develop a different approach. I started toying with the idea of creating a list of topics for 2019, so I'd have something to prompt me each week. I got the idea from doing Poem-a-Day challenges where the prompts pushed me to explore topics and types of poetry that otherwise would never have occurred to me. Maybe coming up with a list of topics will give me that same push for my blog... Maybe...

But, I also realized something as I thought about why I have such a hard time choosing topics for my blog. This is endemic to my life. Choices, at least certain choices, tend to push me into that place of indecisiveness.

Just this week as I searched for a few replacement pieces for my wardrobe after spending a year not shopping, I sat staring at something as simple as a pair of corduroy pants or a new coat and fearing buying the wrong thing, the wrong size, the wrong..., it dawned on me that it's not just my blog where I get locked up in my mind as I try to make a choice.

I like to think of myself of decisive, and I suppose sometimes I am, but there are those times when I am overwhelmed by the choices before me. I want to do everything and that pushes me to try to do too much at one time. I only have one life to live, and there is so much I want to do and to try and to share with the world that sometimes I can't decide what choice to make.

How much time have I wasted trying to make a choice between two options, one only marginally better than the other? How much time have I wasted trying to make a choice between two options that would have worked equally as well? How much time have I wasted trying to make a choice...

As l look back over my life I'm certain there was a time in my life when I was quite decisive. I remember times when decisions felt easy. I remember times when I didn't stress over consequences. I remember times when I made decisions with confidence that any decision could be reversed or fixed if things went wrong. I remember times when I felt bold about a decision even when I hadn't done proper research. But, something changed somewhere along the line... Or did it? Did I? Even now I can't seem to decide if I really handled those choices the way I remember or if I'm seeing them through rose-colored glasses...

I want my choices to matter. I want my choices to inspire others. I want my choices to encourage others. I want my choices to provoke thought. I want my choices to touch people emotionally. I want my choices to bring great understanding. I want my choices to unite. I want people's lives to be just a little better for having known me. I want my choices to leave the world just a little better than I found it.
T. L. Cooper is an author and poet whose work aims to empower and inspire through an exploration of the human condition. Her poems, short stories, articles, and essays have appeared online, in books, and in magazines. Her published books include a collection of short stories, Soaring Betrayal, her Silhouette Poetry Series, and a novel, All She Ever Wanted. She grew up on a farm in Tollesboro, Kentucky. She currently lives in Albany, Oregon with her husband and three cats.

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