Overcoming Trauma Takes Time

Sometimes when trauma strikes, it feels like it will never end. It feels like one is mired in the moment and can't quit reliving it. Last week I wrote about how sometimes it's enough to survive until one can thrive again. There's a reason for that. Overcoming trauma takes time. Overcoming trauma takes effort. Overcoming trauma takes self-compassion. Overcoming trauma takes connecting with others. Overcoming trauma takes seeking the help and support one needs.

Trauma, whatever type of trauma it might be, tends to put us into a place where hope is diminished and sadness feels overwhelming for a period of time, a period of time that varies from person to person. When we say, it's time to "move on" or to "let it go" or whatever other cliche we use, what we really do is tell the person before us we know longer want to hear about it, it's too much for us, and/or we have nothing to help. If that person is still processing, we send the message, intended or not, that we are silently judging them for not working through their trauma on our timetable.

And, sometimes we make mistakes as we work through trauma. We might drink too much. I did. We might isolate ourselves. I did. We might latch onto unhealthy or even harmful relationships. I did. We might throw ourselves into our studies or our work. I did. We might shop too much. I might have later on but not in the immediate aftermath. We might even seek help from unhelpful places that we expect to help. I did. 

There are many other ways we might work through trauma, some healthier than others. I'm not going to define what's healthy for you. For me, healthy included counseling, self-care, and writing and writing and writing and writing... among other things.

Am I over the trauma that happened to me decades ago? Not entirely but I have found a way to move forward. I sought and found ways to use my experience to shine a light on issues that matter to me. Do I still get triggered? Hell yes. Do I ever really forget? Hell no. 

But, I don't waste my time numbing out anymore. I don't run away from people before they get a chance to know me. I don't fixate on the trauma as if it is the only thing in my life. I don't use it to push away people who matter to me. I don't allow it to run roughshod over me.

Certain days of the year, are tough for me. I practice a little extra self care, by that I don't mean spa days or shopping or that kind of thing. I mean I give myself more of a break. I try to focus on eating healthier, making sure I exercise, meditating, and breathing. While these might sound like normal everyday things and they are, but it's important to note that I used to stop eating, stop exercising, stop meditating, and hold my breath when I was stressed or triggered.

This year I went to see P!nk's Beautiful Trauma concert (awesome performance) on one of the days that tends to be rough for me. I had to fight with myself to buy the tickets because I know that day tends to make me want to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. But. I decided that I wasn't going to let my trauma memory cheat me out of another experience. Instead, I planned out my whole day from my exercise through my work through dinner through the concert. And, while having that plan didn't completely stop the memories, I held it together quite well. I was honest with myself about how I was feeling, and then I got on with the task at hand. Though, there were times during the concert, where the words struck a note with me and I felt tears well up. 

But I survived the day again. Just like I have every year since the trauma. There's no beauty in my trauma, but there is beauty in my survival.

Yet the day after I woke up feeling a bit of what I expected to feel that day... Sighs! And, my day didn't go quite as well. Still I survived!

Overcoming trauma isn't a task list you can check off as completed and move on. It's an ongoing activity that requires diligence and self-compassion. It's an ongoing activity that will sometimes feel very isolating. It's an ongoing activity that other people won't understand fully because while they have probably have some trauma of their own, extrapolating one's trauma out to other people takes time, effort, and empathy.

But it gets better. The trauma begins to not feel so pervasive. It starts to feel less traumatic. It even begins to show you lessons within it if/when you heal enough to see them. But it all takes time. It all takes surviving. It all takes effort. It all takes self-compassion. It all takes patience.

It might not be easy to hear that there's no quick fix for whatever your trauma might be, but if you're struggling with trauma right now, especially if you feel like you should be "over it" by now, know it's a process and you're making progress every single day that you survive.