Friendship Doesn't Always Last Forever... and That's Okay

Last week I talked about lifelong friendships and I alluded to friendships that don't last. This week I want to focus on those friendships that don't last.

A friendship that doesn't last isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes we meet people that we really connect with in the moment and for a time to come, but then circumstances make maintaining that friendship difficult. Perhaps over time we drift apart or our interests change or life takes us in different directions. It doesn't mean we stop feeling fondness for these people, but it might mean that the friendship goes dormant or even ends. Regardless the friendship changes in ways that break the connection. Without the ease with which we connected before, we don't find the way to stay in touch.

Of course there are also those times when a friendship ends over a disagreement or a betrayal or some other hurtful event. Those friendships are harder to heal and some never do, as painful as that might be. Others might find resolution eventually, but they'll never be the same. It doesn't mean the friendship before the heartache was any less a friendship, and perhaps there will even come a time when we can remember the happy moments in those friendships without the taint of the painful event. Even then it won't necessarily mean we reach out and try to mend fences.

Sometimes we try to hold on to a friendship that deserves to end. We try to fix what was broken for years. I did this after a particularly hurtful event with a friend many years ago. I spent years trying to justify and forgive and let the past go until it became obvious the other party was unwilling to even acknowledge the event let alone the pain it caused. At this point I simply let that friendship drift to the outer perimeter of my life instead of making a scene about it. It was too painful to connect with the person I'd once loved like a sister, so I opted to put my energy elsewhere.

What is it Maya Angelou said? Something along the lines of "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Well, I didn't because I really wanted the friend to be the person I thought she was instead of who she proved to be.

Sometimes a friendship doesn't so much end as morph into an acquaintanceship, but even that can feel sad sometimes. I have a few friends from different places I've lived that I considered close friends and still feel fondness for even though we rarely talk, we know nothing of what's going on in one another's lives, and we probably won't ever see one another again. I've started to think about those friendships as friendships that were shining lights in my life and that will always be part of me. I know if we still lived near one another or ran into one another, we'd have a grand old time, so to speak, but we don't put forth the effort to bridge the distance, at least not a regular basis. It doesn't mean I feel any less affection for them, but it does mean our relationship isn't quite as close as the friendships that find a way to bridge the physical distance.

I've had other friends who disappeared from my life without me having a clear answer about why, and so I don't know if they still think of me with fondness or if I did something to offend them without realizing it or if they think of me at all. And, I used to fret over such situations, but I've starting letting them go in recent years. We had a moment and it's over. I'm appreciative of the time we shared, and I'm going to remember that time fondly, or at least as fondly as possible.

Friendship is a tricky thing like most relationships. It isn't something that necessarily survives long silences, but it can. It isn't something that never hurts because it involves human beings, who by their very nature are flawed and make mistakes. It isn't something that is always fun. It isn't even easily understood. I can't always explain my friendships to people outside them, but then again I don't have to.

Friendship requires a bit of effort, a bit of luck, a bit of work, a bit of affection, a bit of communication, and a bit of understanding to grow strong enough to weather the hard times and yet be flexible enough to celebrate the good times.

In recent years I've started to look at all my friendships, past and present, momentary and lifelong, in a different light. Even those that ended in heartache only hurt because they offered something incredible before the painful event or events. It doesn't mean I want to rekindle those friendships, but I can appreciate them for what they were for as long as they were. 

I've also stopped holding grudges against those who are less engaged than I'd like them to be. Life gets in the way. Sometimes I'm less engaged than I would like to be as well.

Friendship doesn't have to last always and forever to play an important and wonderful role in our lives...